Category: Internet Corner

Illegal Downloading is Naughty. Can You Live Without It?

Illegal downloads - its' the end of days, I tell you.

The music and movie industry is upset! Everyone is downloading from the internet, ripping CDs and movies to their iPods and making poor media executives very cross. We are hurting their feelings by recklessly buying their products then – the cheek of it – copying them to other devices without giving them any more money! It’s like buying a coffee and demanding another one free as a “backup” or to share with friends later. Trust me, this argument doesn’t go down well at Starbucks.

Fortunately governments everywhere are putting a stop to this nonsense. Soon all internet downloading will be banned, copying a song onto an iPod will mean 10 years in jail and as for buying a DVD and watching it on your laptop… all I can say is I’m glad we don’t have the death penalty in Canada.

Can you imagine a life without downloads, iPods or DVDs? What to do?

All together now - Smack ma bitch up...– Now your iPod is defunct, simply hire a busker to follow you around and play the songs you love. They only make $4 a day, so give them $5 and a list of tunes they have to learn by midnight. It’s a win-win situation!

– Dreams are often better than those rubbish DVD movies – and they’re free! Simply go to bed at 6pm and get ready for a night of entertainment. Eat some cheese if you crave a scary nightmarish thriller, or take some drugs for a mind-blowing pot-luck feature. You may dream up a movie so brilliant you can sell it to the movie companies and recoup some of the money you’ve wasted on their 3rd rate dross over the years!

Who needs Hollywood anyway? Nuhh.– Remember the movie Be Kind, Rewind where that podgy bloke from the Foo Fighters made his own movies? Be your own Hollywood superstar and film yourself starring in your favourite blockbusters! If you are a bit ugly you could try hilarious slapstick comedy. If you are more attractive or have large physical assets, movies of an adult nature could be an option.

– Listening to music or watching movies is a terrible time waster. Just think of the new hobbies you could try instead of sitting on your arse staring at the screen. Learn a new language, breed hamsters or even play the tuba! There are great resources online you can download and… oh, hang on.

Your new home!– If the RIAA is going to have to prise your iPod from your cold dead hands before your delete your illicit collection, consider becoming an outlaw! Run away from the authorities and form a commune in the wilderness with your fellow desperate downloaders. Away from the iron grip of the law you can indulge in other dangerous criminal behaviour like smoking indoors, making hash brownies and distributing photocopies of whatever the hell you like – there’s no copyright laws in your Republic. Awesome!

Follow these tips and you’ll never have to spend money buying overpriced music and movies again! Not that some of you were in the first place…

Their busker plays all the best ABBA hits over at


A Social Leper on Facebook

Facebook is no LOL matter

Are you, like the rest of the Universe, on Facebook? It’s a great idea. You can find friends, friends you were avoiding can find you, and work colleagues can chat all day without leaving their desks. Join new groups, meet exciting, beautiful people (if you believe their profile picture) and spend valuable time swapping hilarious Fun Wall posts!

Everybody Loves Tiggy
I was new in town and friendless. No need to hang around Starbucks looking lonely, I could use Facebook to meet interesting locals. I sent friend requests to a few people I’d bumped into once or twice. I sent requests to people I didn’t know but were in my new buddies’ network, so they must be fun to hang out with. From Tiggy-no-mates to 28 new friends in one day! Thanks Facebook, my fun social life awaits!

As usual, my optimism was short-lived. I checked Facebook every day for posts and party invites. It was very quiet. My new friend count had stalled at 31. The most popular, fun-loving guy in my friends’ network had not responded to my friend request. A week passed, then two. Nothing. I began monitoring his movements – he was accepting other requests but not mine. I felt rejected. I was upset because someone I didn’t know wanted to keep it that way.

Paranoid Hermit
I began spying on my so-called friends as they posted on each other’s message boards. Geoff and Ricky went on a pub crawl last Saturday. Bob had a great time at Sarah and Dave’s party. No-one posted on my board. My “Hi there, must meet up soon!” posts were drawing blanks. I was becoming paranoid. They were all partying behind my back, laughing about me and telling everyone in town to ignore my friend requests…

Facebook had failed me, simply confirming my social outcast status and turning me into an online stalker. I had two choices – head to the wilderness and become a hermit, or forget online networking and venture back into the real world. I didn’t need an internet connection to meet people.

And if I made some real friends I could always invite them to join my Facebook…