Screw you, apples!

I’m starting a campaign to ban apples. They may look delicious as they line up neatly in the grocery store, like a troupe of polished red soldiers on display. But they are EVIL! Apples have enjoyed world domination for too long, denying the rightful king of fruits – the banana – its crown.

Easily the best fruit ever, the banana is sunny yellow, full of goodness and loved by cute monkeys and Oriental sex performers everywhere. Watch out Granny Smith, I’m on to you!

Yes, dear...Apples have been causing trouble since the beginning of time. Recall the trouble Eve got into when she nibbled on one of those little green bastards. One bite of a Golden Delicious and feminism is set back 10,000 years.

If only Eve had been tempted by a big luscious banana, that useless specimen Adam would have been told to Fig Off in no time.

Not content with messing it up for the ladies, the apple tried to halt the onset of human enlightenment by attempting to kill great scientist Sir Isaac Newton. According to what I read in a history book (I think), Sir Issac was innocently sitting under a tree inventing time travel, a cure for piles and a way to stop colours running in the washing machine (which he also had just invented).

A mercenary Cox’s Pippin sent to snuff out the boffin failed in its assassination attempt, causing only concussion. Newton was nursed back to health by Florence Nightingale, but the only thing he could recall was the Law of Gravity. This was of no use to anyone because gravity had already been invented.

Three chavs and a bottle of white cider. Innit!The apple has found other ways to control us. Did you know the apple is the biggest threat to our youth? It has cleverly let poor little cannabis take the fall for that, the dastardly fruit it is.

Think about it. As a rite of passage, every 12-year-old must get drunk at the local park by chugging back a litre of cheap booze. To the young palette, beer tastes like battery acid. Pocket money won’t stretch to whiskey. What is cheap, sweet and will get you pissed and vomiting by the swings in no time? CIDER. Once hooked on this fruity poison, it’s downhill all the way to a life of alcoholic misery and self loathing.

Apple – It’s the Gateway Fruit. I think George Bush and Gordon Brown need to be told their war on drugs needs diverting to the orchards. Burn them! And the orchards.

An evil force depends on the apple for its survival – the wasp. This hideous killing machine sustains its powers by gorging on apples then proceeds to make our lives a misery by attacking our homes, barbeques and poolside sex parties. With the onset of global warming, the wasp is getting bigger – did you know scientists predict (maybe) that by 2030, wasps will be the size of herons? Can you imagine that flying into your open car window?

A lovely bunch.The only way to avoid the insect invasion is by destroying all apple trees and replacing them with banana plantations, which will attract cute wildlife like monkeys and Oriental sex performers.

It’s time to take action and oust the apple. I’m off to the supermarket now to chain myself to the fruit counter and demand this dangerous product be removed from the shelves – for the sake of the children.

Vive La Banana!!


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19 Responses to “Bad Apples – Tiggy’s Campaign to Ban This Evil Fruit”

I agree. Apples have always had the taste and smell of piss about them, alarmingly chewy piss.

And in the case of cider, anything that’s the chav’s beverage of choice needs sealing in concrete, along with the chav drinking it at the time.

Always a fan of the banana–eating about 3 daily. Peeling an apple requires man-made, third party assistance. Bananas do not. I don’t won’t anything between me and my banana!

Great post! How do you come up with this stuff!?!

I’d like to support your campaign by handing out leaflets to kids warning them the dangers of apples, at the same time educating them on the benefits of *coughcough* hemp!!

chewy piss? That’s a little too visceral for me…ACK!

Boo Apples!
Go Bananas!

FTA- Fuck the Apples

I had something really cogent and witty to add, but then the banana girl in the last pic threw me back into my lizard brain.

Excellent job.

I’m no banana fan, but after reading about wasps the size of herons, I’m going to do whatever it takes to eradicate the apple from this planet. (Can I still drink cider?)

The only problem with bananas is that they’re only at their peak ripeness for about 6 minutes. Before that, they’re green and bitter and after that they’re too soft and squishy. They are awesome for those 6 minutes though.

Actually there is a line of thought that the apple in the Garden of Eden was really a banana.

Banana’s have a long and interesting history (who knew?)

I just finished reading, and recommend.

Banana: The Fate of the Fruit That Changed the World by Dan Koeppel.

This is hilarious, but I love apples. So BRING IT ON!

I will don my banana bra in support of the campaign to rid the world of the dastardly apple!

btw, I think my new favorite phrase is “fig off”.

You, my friend, are a fruit genius! I have been duped by the apple for the last time!!

Apples are for sticking up a baboon’s arsehole. We gorillas only name ourselves after fruit worthy of the jungle.

Intersting blog. I’m a little torn, though. I love apples and bananas. Can’t they havea joint ruling? lol

I am pro-banana as well. It’s portable… well, okay, so is an apple. But you can’t peel an apple by a simple flick of the wrist, can you? Plus, banana daiquiris are far yummier than cider.

You don’t drink cider on the beach on vacation while handsome cabana boys bring you fresh towels, do you? No, you don’t…

Now where was I? I forgot, after the cabana boys…

Thanks for the input, everyone! I knew I was right about this. ‘Fuck The Apples’ is a great slogan.

I think we should all head to the liquor store, grab as many apple-based alcoholic beverages as we can and drink, I mean, dispose of them all before all those poor innocent kiddies get their hands on it.

I’ll see you at 9pm at the park. Wear something yellow.

I suddenly feel like swimming …….

Personally, I prefer the strawberry. It has natural selection abilities, due to its death dealing traits to those who are allergic.

Of course sexy asian banana performers are pretty cool…OK, it’s a toss up between bananas and strawberries.

very good! make me chuckle.

your argument is very persuasive, although i would like to point out that the banana is not as sqeeky clean as you make out! not only has the skin been the downfall (literally) of many a loveable cartoon character but banana skins contain benzadrine which the luftwaffe used to take in WWII to keep awake and flying, so there!

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