Tag: green

Hit Parade: Songs for Sewage!

Music fans! Need to brighten up your miserable existence with a jolly jig or a dollop of jizzy jazz? Thank the Lord for Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Get jiggy with it!

Why? Why?

9. Music to Help Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Does your local river glow in the dark? Kiddies got the squits after playing in the stream? Grab your chemical suit and this eco-riffic folk album and prepare to go GREEN!

Features performances from vegan militants Angry Tofu, the very green Nelly Tinkle’s’ Bean Explosion and fish fanciers Axl Moby and the Dicks. Sing along as you sift out rotting fish and noxious algae!*

Organic free-range masterpieces include:

* Curd Is the Word
* Knit Me a Hemp Farm
* Crab on my Cock
* Die, Meat Suckers!
* Beans and Broccoli (Ballard of Pepto Bismol)
* Winkle on my Winkle

*Record player may not function outdoors; purchase long cable or diesel generator for optimum performance.

Next time on Hit Parade… a record that really is shit!


Tiggy’s Energy Crisis Top Tips

Oil prices - they can't go any higher!Global oil prices have rocketed, food is now a luxury and we’re all going to freeze to death this winter. Fortunately, I’ve been giving this some thought and come up with some energy saving tips to help you through these dark days of global crisis and misery. You’ll help save the environment, but more importantly you’ll have extra money to spend on essentials like cake and video games.

– Save on outrageous heating bills by installing a herd of cows in your basement. The warmth created by their bulky bodies and frequent urination will fill the house with radiant heat and also provide you with a source of free cream and leather goods.

I knew that hot tub would be useful for something.– Install a hot tub. This may not sound very green, but you can utilize its soothing bubbles to wash dishes, dirty clothes and bathe the whole family – all at the same time! You can probably buy eco-friendly hot tubs with solar panels and wind turbines or something.

– In the event of vicious global conflicts over precious resources, simply turn your trusty hot tub upside down and cover with camouflage netting to create your own ‘wartime spirit’ Anderson bomb shelter. Don’t forget your stockpile of Spam!

– Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!

Facebook - here's one I made earlier.

– Can’t afford food? Simply seek out free fodder by following the masters of the free lunch – rats. Join them for a feast of leftover pizza, filet-o-fish burgers and cigarette butts at their favourite dumpster. The local duck pond is also a good source for bread and home-baked goodies.

Old people. Dontcha love em?

– Hypermile. Elderly drivers have been using this gas saving technique for years. Simply drive everywhere at 20mph and slipstream by driving 5 inches behind the car in front. Turn off your engine at every intersection and red traffic light.

With the money saved by hypermiling, you too can afford to buy a huge motor home and drive it very slowly around Florida

– Conserve water by flushing the toilet less – leave the bathroom only after completing all necessary functions for the day (including bladder, solid waste and any other desired expulsions). It may take a while, but just remember you’re also helping to save dolphins or whatever. Better still, wait until you are at work to perform your morning ablutions – it may not save water but it won’t be on your utility bill.

You could save even more money by not going to work at all. You can now spend your days in the hot tub eating discarded fish burgers and recreating internet porn. Although the drop in income means you cannot pay your electricity bill, look on the bright side – you couldn’t afford it when you had a job so you’ve lost nothing. Happy days!

Clicking on the Humor-Blogs.com link helps save a whale. Maybe.


Smog Is In The Air

Suck it up, Smog fans!

Now the snow has cleared and the frostbite infections have healed, it’s time to welcome the season known as smog. That pretty yellow haze and tickly feeling in the lungs heralds the arrival of my favourite time of year. And it seems we just can’t get enough of smog!

Smog’s popularity is growing. Cities everywhere vie for the prize of ‘Smog Capital of the World’ with more countries joining in the fun every year. Toronto put in a good effort last year, but was out-hazed by those up and coming pea-souper-stars Beijing and Mexico City. Better luck this year, TO!

Some people say smog is a bad thing that contributes to countless deaths and diseases, posing a greater threat to our health than smoking, drinking and coffee creamer. But a world without smog would be unthinkable! Just consider the benefits…

Without smog, Christmas is ruined! Without smog, there would be no Christmas! Imagine the tears in small children’s eyes as they open their empty stockings. “Sorry kids, but the Chinese factories that make Santa’s toys have closed down due to anti-pollution laws. You’ll have to play with this pile of organic hemp instead”.

Surely it’s better to let factories pump noxious chemicals into the atmosphere than deprive little Johnny of his plastic TransformoMangaZoid robot? Those Chinese factory workers will just have to learn to hold their breath more often.

– Smog can help prevent heart attacks! Sick of those emaciated health gurus lecturing you about how unhealthy you are and how you should get off your lardy arse and go jogging? It’s alright for those multi-billionaire fitness freaks; they can jog around their luxury yachts in Monaco.

But for those of us in Smog City, running around wheezing in the fuggy haze is very dangerous! You could suffer heart failure, or get hit by a car lost in the fog. Are these exercise Nazis trying to finish us off? Far healthier to remain inside and take a nice relaxing nap.

Hurrah for biofuel!-We need smog to Go Green! Now boffins have invented biofuel, more land is needed to grow this precious crop. Getting rid of all that useless wheat and corn (who eats that stuff anyway?) only provides a fraction of land needed.

Fortunately, many countries have realized that by burning down all those land-hogging forests they can grow even more biofuel and help save the planet!

Unfortunately, burning involves blanketing entire regions in dense toxic fog for weeks on end. But it’s for the environment, right? And that can only be a good thing.

Thank goodness for smog! Without it world economies would collapse and we’d all have to walk to the shops – where they’d be nothing to buy anyway! Until we can keep modern society running on fresh air I guess we’ll have to do without it.