Travel guides – fact or fiction? I once tried to check into a Greek hotel recommended by my travel guide as a “low-cost yet atmospheric guesthouse”. The fact that it was demolished in 1986 apparently didn’t detract from its charm. A writer for Lonely Planet has now admitted that he didn’t actually visit the country he wrote about. Travel writing from home can’t be that difficult. For instance I’ve never been to Norway, but I’m sure I can get the gist of the place if I have a look on Google Earth…
Tiggy’s Lowly Plannit Guide to Norway
All About Norway
The name Norway derives from the Old Norse word Noreeg, which means Norway. Around 4000 Norwegians live there, all of whom are redheads (apart from an African gentleman called Derek). Norway’s topography is several hundred years old and consists of snow, rocks, grass and sky. Indigenous wildlife includes hamsters, penguins, unicorns and Norway’s national symbol, the Gummiwormig, or fruity tree grub.
Interesting Facts About Norway
Norway is a land of lakes and the ground is permanently under 1ft of water. Rubber boots should be worn at all times. Dress like a local and buy a pair of dentalvlossing, traditional waterproof socks made from woven grass and hamsters.
Norway’s capital city is Oslo, which despite being waterlogged has more outdoor cafes than any city in the world. In fact, all cafes and shops are outside due to an 1857 law banning the indoors. Unfortunately alcohol is also banned in Norway, so ask the waiter for a glass of Longsnot, a traditional brew of honey, grass and hamsters.
Things To Do In Oslo
Take a stroll down Oslo’s main street, Mainstreetoslo St, and pop into (or rather out to) one of the numerous local bakeries. Try a snaeshite, a traditional cake made from snow, grass and unicorn tears. Delicious.
Stay at the popular budget hotel Greasibrotelflop Haus, just off the main street. Costing only 100 Norwegian pesos a night, price includes breakfast and a complimentary massage by lovely redheaded hostess Bjorkga Sukkoksson…
…You know, this travel writing is a piece of snaeshite. I’m sure no-one goes to Norway anyway, so I’m going to submit this to Lonely Planet and wait for the cheque to arrive. Next stop, Vladivostok…
