Pornographic movies – they don’t make them like they used to. Nowadays the internet is awash with amateurish peep shows made by wannabe porn stars. It seems everyone and their dog (or goat) has filmed a shoddy prick-flick with no thought to the subtleties of plotline or atmosphere. Not like the classic porn of my youth.
Before internet porn, kids had to satisfy their sexual curiosity by peeking at crispy Playboy magazines or raiding their parents’ stash of ancient pornographic VHS tapes. My pre-teen buddies and I would giggle our way through greasy German epics like Frau Doctor and the oddly-translated Tiger Bitch. The movies were a celebration of wobbly camera work, wobbly breasts and a soundtrack that sounded like a stoned James Last Orchestra playing in a washing machine.
The plotlines were fabulous. We couldn’t wait to see how Frau Doctor’s first day on the job went. And the action! Boy on girl, girl on girl, boy and girl on… not quite sure, the camera was out of focus again. Tiger Bitch could unwrap a man in a minute using only her tongue. And she did rude things to other ladies too! We hadn’t thought of that before.
Our impressionable minds began to fill with confusion. How were we going to remember all those positions? Were all men that hairy? Should a penis really go there? And despite the badly dubbed moans of pleasure the ladies didn’t seem to be having much fun. Frau Doctor looked like she needed a dose of painkillers rather than another hairy patient with a swollen crotch problem.
Sadly, the lessons we learned from these classic movies went to waste. By the time the boys in our class discovered that their thing wasn’t just for pissing, we had all got bored of sex and Tiger Bitch. We dedicated our energy to raiding our parents’ drinks cabinets instead.
Who knows, maybe the good Doctor and her Feline-Canine pal are still entertaining the masses via webcam from their Rhineland seniors’ home.
VHS porn Queens, we salute you!