Tag: humor

Tiggy’s Old Timer Crush Club

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My boys! Oh, how lucky is Tiggy.

It’s nice to be complimented by men, isn’t it? Unless you’re a straight man. Although don’t knock what you haven’t tried.

And I do get compliments. A twinkling smile and a charming “You look nice today!” or “I’d really like to bang you!” brightens up my day no end. Unfortunately, most of the men doing the complimenting are usually quite mature…

Oh, What A Lovely War

The beer goggles are on!I was sitting at a bar hoping to catch the eye of the hot barman when an elderly gentleman sat next to me and ordered a Guinness. He seemed innocent enough. You know those old guys who can drink endless pints of Guinness and talk for hours about nothing? Well, he talked for hours about nothing. His false teeth were wearing down at an alarming rate. I smiled sympathetically, hoping he’d clear off so I could share some quality time with the barman.

But then the old devil dropped his killer chat-up line like a doodlebug on a bus queue. “My dear, you are the image of my first love… she died in the Blitz”. Oh nice. Did I look like her before or after the Blitz?

Then I felt a bony hand on my knee. Ever had one of those evenings?

Old Charlie hanging with his birds.Dead Pigeon Fancier

The boozy company party was no better. I had invested my evening chatting up lovely Rick from Marketing only for him to slope away (well, flee) with some pathetic excuse about having to vomit in the washroom. His place was instantly filled by Charlie the janitor, who swooped on me like a gnarly old crow with a pacemaker.

Initially Charlie behaved like a perfect gentleman, bringing me Bacardi Breezers on demand and entertaining me with stories about the Korean War, garbage disposal systems and the number of dead pigeons he’d pulled from the water tank.

Then I saw that decrepit, garbage-stained hand reaching towards my knee. I decided to join Rick in the washroom.

That was him! I'd know those wrinkles anywhere!Rockin’ the Joint

My latest wrinkly Romeo was a guitarist in a rock band that played at my local bar the other night (maybe I should stop going to bars). Under the impression he had the same rock star pulling power as Mick Jagger he slid up to me, flashed a smile and demanded the barman give me a beer. I’d prefer the barman gave me something else, but never mind.

This old rocker had obviously ingested many substances in his lifetime and he reeked of weed. There’s always room for another stoned, drunk man in my crush club! Rather than bore me senseless with tales of the road he just swigged his beer, put his skinny arm around me and asked if I wanted to go home with him. I wasn’t aware that seniors’ homes allowed visitors after midnight.

The barman was laughing too hard to help to this damsel in distress. Oh dear, I was having another one of those evenings.

I guess it’s nice to know there are men with breath in their body (just) that still find me attractive. That most of my suitors are either old, drunk, stoned or frequently all three is less flattering.

Let’s just hope they’re still interested when I hit 70…

They behave like perfect gentlemen until the lights go down over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Cryptic Reminders List

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I need a Blackberry.

Do you ever write down reminders to yourself but can’t understand what they mean later on? I’ve looked through my trusty jotter and attempted to decipher the cryptic crap I’ve scribbled down. I’m sure they were very meaningful and important at the time…

(These are all genuine. I wish they weren’t).

“Dora – ages 5+, two AA batteries”

Was this a reminder to buy a small child a birthday gift? Is some poor forgotten niece crying into her party dress because evil Aunt Tiggy forgot her birthday again? At least I reminded myself to buy batteries. And I hope it wasn’t a reminder to buy the poor child this –

Dora is exploring some weird things these days.

I’m not sure what kind of exploring Dora gets up to these days, but I’m thinking that it isn’t quite suitable for ages 5+.

Crusty old seaman. Sponsored by HP?“HP Sea Shanties!”

Hewlett Packard is well known for computers, printers and gadgets that bleep and costs a fortune in toner. But I had no idea they’d branched into coastal folk songs. They must be toe-tappingly good because I’ve put an exclamation mark at the end.

Does HP now employ a sou’wester-clad musical troupe to sing hearty songs about plug ‘n’ play pirates? Or how the crystal-sharp light from a HP monitor guided a storm-tossed fishing boat to shore? I checked their website but I couldn’t find Nautical Ditty Downloads anywhere.

“Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why.”

Worryingly, I wrote this at work. Even allowing for my appalling handwriting I can’t make this one out at all. I have to phone around stair repair companies, but I’m not sure why? Is my phone being moved to the stairs, as I’m being turfed from my desk to somewhere more appropriate to my position?

I’ve obviously been spending too much time inhaling photocopier fumes. Maybe I should give HP a call about a replacement machine. But I want it in marine blue.

But does he taste good mashed?“Mike Smith potato”

For those who don’t know, Mr. Smith is a local musician and actor who plays lovable Bubbles in the Canadian comedy Trailer Park Boys. He is not, nor has ever been, a starchy, tuberous root vegetable. I’ve never seen a potato or any other vegetable that looks remotely like Mike Smith (mind you, I did once see an onion that looked like Bono).

What was this bizarre reminder for? Do I owe him a potato? Does he owe me a potato? Is he starring in a hilarious root-vegetable-based comedy show? What the hell would a root-vegetable-based-comedy show be like?

I couldn’t possibly imagine, even after inhaling photocopier fumes.

“National *Something* Day Today”

Hurrah! It's National Something Day!I had no idea Canada celebrates National Something Day. Was it a statutory holiday? I’m guessing National Something Day is the day when Canadians honour any noun of their choice.

How about National Penis Day? National Free Cocktail Day? National Tiggy Day? Maybe all three?

I didn’t record the date so I’ll end up missing it again next year. Bugger.

I think I’m going to invest in a voice recorder and record my reminders instead. Mind you I’ll probably end up with a stream of messages blabbering “Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why…”

 


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Beards Are Sexy And I Want One

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Arrggghhh! Oooohhh!Its official – men with beards are hot. Wouldn’t you love to fiddle with Dave Grohl’s grungy stubble, or swoon over George Clooney’s latest cock pirate look? I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if they shaved, that’s for sure.

I’ve been a beard fan since I was four and fell in love with Animal from the Muppet Show (I also wanted to marry C3-PO, but that story is going no further than my therapist).

As a four-year-old girl I dreamed of having my own beard one day. My fantasy was shattered after I excitedly informed my dad I wanted a beard like Animal’s when I grew up. Dad had to break the news to his sobbing daughter that ladies couldn’t grow beards. And maybe it was also time to reveal that C3-PO wasn’t a real robot. Childhood can be so painful.

It’s not fair. If women could grow beards just think of the fun we could have with them.

An attractive addition to your beard.– Hairdressers can double their profits as matching hair ‘n’ beard highlights become fashionable. Women can squander more money on overpriced beard-care products to enhance their facial fur.

Accessories like ribbons, glitter and flashing LED lights could be woven into the beard to create a stunning look for the weekly Girls’ Night Out.

– Woke up with a beard that would make Fidel Castro weep? Now you can add Bad Beard Day to your list of excuses to stay in bed. Tell your boss you are sick due to “women’s problems” and no further questions will be asked. If your boss is a man you can take the rest of the week off, they have no clue about these things.

– Coordinate your “lady parts” and beard with a theme! Wow them at the clothing-optional beach with matching Brazilian stripes, or a sexy heart-shaped trim to impress your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day!

Those flashing LED lights could also be incorporated for a seasonal Christmas tree theme, creating a stunning festive display “above and below”.

Just think how many cans of beans you could hide in there.– Beards have lots of practical uses. Never lose your keys or small children again by simply tying them to your beard.

Growing a long ZZ-Top beard will come in handy on holiday as a fluffy beach towel, or use it to hide grocery items you are not intending to pay for.

A beard of my own is but a dream, unless I start taking steroids or save my hair clippings to create my own face fuzz. Lady beards could be the new black! Look out for it at the next Paris Fashion Show.

The cock pirate look is all the rage over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Drugs In Sport – Now There’s An Idea!

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Runner's best friend after Nike!

What price glory, eh? Several atheletes at the Beijing Olympics were stripped of their medals after positive drugs tests. And for what? A metal disc and a trip around their hometown on an open-top bus. Drugs in sport are wrong! But supposing they were alright? Some sports could positively benefit from a shot of something…

Caffeinated Golf – The utterly dull ‘sport’ of golf could be livened up instantly by priming the dreary competitors with double espressos and energy drinks before play. Imagine the speed a game would be finished in as the hyper hitters tremble their way to the 18th hole!

No need for golf carts as competitors race around the green like retarded rabbits.

Heeey man, friends forever, yeah?

High Cage Fighting – Like most people, I enjoy watching near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor. However cage fighting can get rather violent and bloody. Where’s the love, guys?

I propose a much gentler version of the sport, where both musclemen smoke a giant spliff before combat. We will instead be treated to the sight of near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor, giggling and shouting “Dude! I love you!” “No I love you more!” A sure-fire hit with ladies and the gay community.

Drunk Javelin – Make sure the competitors are tanked up to the tank tops, give them a huge pointed spear and point them in the general direction of the target. Watch those javelins fly!

This could be the ultimate in audience participation sport, as the crowd will have to keep a keen eye on the direction of those mighty arrows.

The Canadian Freestyle Olympic team in training.500m Nicotine Back Stroke – To brighten up tedious swimming races, all competitors have to swim with a lit cigarette dangling from their mouths.

The swimmers must keep puffing away until the finish – an unlit soggy butt will mean elimination! Just think of the sponsorship possibilities for Marlboro.

Running – All runners should be allowed to take as many steroids as their bodies can handle. Races will be run in the shortest time possible – the 1500m will be over in a matter of seconds!

In that way, the Olympics will be over a lot sooner and won’t junk up the TV schedules all summer.

I’m thinking maybe LSD Formula 1 and potato vodka skydiving are non-starters, and any sport involving bullets should perhaps retain their drug-free policy. Are there any sports you would want livened up by a lychee martini or two? Tell Tiggy!

Their manly muscles are steroid-free over at Humor-Blogs.com


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