Eddie McMayonnaise… on Dead People
The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist Eddie McMayonnaise shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.
.As top columnist for the Lunenburg County Bugler I’m not usually one to snark about my fellow journalists. But on the other hand, it’s very easy and there is payment involved.
Have you noticed when the TV or newspaper reports the death of someone, it always says “He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, with his family and friends around his bedside.” Every time! What I’d like to know is:
– How come his family knew what time he was going to die, so they could all gather around his bedside?
– Or, had they been standing there for days, impatiently waiting for the old bugger to pop his clogs so they could read the will?
– Or, was there some kind of machine unplugging ceremony involved?
“Are we all here? Right, who wants to flip the switch?”
– Or, do newspapers… lie?
“He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, alone in the washroom with his head jammed down a urinal…” It just doesn’t have the same brevity, does it?
And how come when someone famous dies, we all have to pretend we liked them? “Oooh, I was such a big Michael Jackson fan!” cried my colleague the other day, as she wiped away a tear. “I loved that song he did with Paul McCartney, you know, Ebony and Ivory?”
For the record, I only listen to dead musicians. That way I won’t be disappointed when they don’t go on tour.
Oooh, it makes me angry! I’m off to HMV to lick all the Thriller CDs. Toodel-oo!