Tag: shamwow

20 More People I Don’t Want to Meet

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That, plus 85.

Never mind the last bunch of losers, nutcases and dicks, here’s some more people I’m avoiding right now.

1. A cop wearing only one shoe

2. People who order skinny lattes but aren’t sure what skinny lattes are

3. People who believe Sunday is the first day of the week

4. People who insist a tomato is a fruit

5. A lap dancer that smells of cheese

6. Eighty-seven Goths

7. A door-to-door tampon salesman

8. A Christmas Parade Santa with a weak bladder

9. A vicar clenching a potato between his buttocks

10. An underage ambulance driver

11. A one-armed pizza chef

12. A dwarf dressed as a pixie

13. Anyone who bought a ShamWow because they liked the TV ad

14. A superhero with Tourette’s

15. A door-to-door door salesman

16. A bishop with a squirrel under his hat

17. A lawyer who lives in a trailer

18. A heavily perspiring Hooters Girl

19. A pixie dressed as a leprechaun

20. A Wal-Mart greeter with an erection

Have you met anyone you don’t want to meet recently?


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Pig Roast

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Tiggy on the Spit

Well, the thanks I get for putting myself out! All I was trying to do was help the global economy. Being the kind sort I am, I hired a gang of unemployed Mexican pig farmers to help me tend to my pot, erm, potted plants in my underground greenhouse. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong! Their immigration papers looked genuine to me. And I just sort of assumed those drug laws had been repealed by now.

Of course those swarthy Mexican buggers fled as soon as they heard the police sirens, leaving behind a basement full of empty Taco Bell wrappers and a little fella called H1N1. Muchos fuckos gracious, bastardos!

And then I drag myself off my deathbed to discover that the veritable Humor Bloggers have taken advantage of my absence to haul my virulent piggy ass on the proverbial spit and roast me! Bastardos.

Kirsten, here, from the poorly named Soccer Mom Files.

When I got news from Ettarose that I was to roast the famous Tiggy today, I was very excited. Not because she stole my boyfriend that time, or even because she once signed me up for the Billy Bob Thornton Fan Club. (Yes, I’m still the one and only member.) It’s just the simple fact that you just gotta love Tiggy! Who else will give you tips on where to hide your pot, or how to field dress a deer? I also never knew until I read Tiggy’s blog that there is an actual CD especially for gay dogs. “My Big Bone” would not have been on my iPod otherwise.

I don’t care that she lies about quasi intimate encounters with Hugh Laurie or that she has a thing for the ShamWow guy. You shouldn’t care that she likes to be mean to the new dorky intern at work or has a strange penchant for adult baby diapers. We’re not all perfect, so please be nice to the Tiggster.

BTW, have you noticed that she never posts pictures of herself? There is a very good reason for that. You wouldn’t advertise to the world is you looked like this, would you? She’s not even a real redhead.

Thanks, Kirsten! I think. And I would like to state for the record that a) I did not steal Jeremy Clarkson from her, he was merely helping me get over my split from imaginary Richard Hammond, and b) I do not have a thing for ShamWow Vince. Unless there is a payment of $1,000 involved.

That’s it, I’m cooked. I’m off to sit on a crowded bus and cough loudly. I find it very therapeutic.


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Taking ShamWow to the Next Level

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Wii shamwowWhat’s orange, German and intent on world domination? No, not a Nazi with a suntan, but the mighty ShamWow! The legendary TV ad starring Vince Offer and his super-absorbent miracle cloth has resulted in millions reaching for the phone, desperately hoping they call in the next 20 minutes to receive another ShamWow FREE to use in the bathroom, or on pets, or even on Olympic divers…

Anyway, I’ve been giving ShamWow a lot of thought. Maybe too much thought. Not content with my fabulous Wii game concept, I’ve come up with more amazing ShamWow products that will have you saying “WOW!”

BabySham: New mothers! Wasting too much time changing baby when you could be reading mommy blogs? Simply swaddle your newborn in the BabySham super-absorbent diaper, which holds up to 20 litres of infant pee! If your baby is too heavy to pick up, it’s time to change the diaper! Great for the old and infirm too.

Wow On The Rocks: This take-anywhere liquor solution is perfect for busy alcoholics on the go! Pour two bottles of tequila, half a bottle of vodka and a splash of orange into your ShamWow and stow away in your briefcase or school bag. Simply wring the desired amount into a glass for an instant ShamWow Martini!

shamwow new orleansShamWow Levee: New Orleans! Fed up of your city being washed away every year? Introducing the new ShamWow Levee! This bright orange flood defence soaks up those troublesome floods in no time, without having you having to sit on your roof while your government ignores you!
Y’all be sayin’ “Wowwww!”

SnitchWow: Mafiosi! Looking for a lightweight, portable alternative to concrete boots? Simply wrap unwanted bloody corpses, mangled police informants or crazed Miami hookers in the SnitchWow blanket, drop into the river and let its super absorbency sink the dirty squealer like a stone!
Call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in a Goodfella Goo Mop – great for mopping up those irksome bloodstains!

TenaWow: Ladies of a certain age! Do you suffer from embarrassing leaks or accidents… are you still with me, camera guy…?

Can we mop it? Yes we can!


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Wow Wii! Tiggy’s Interactive Gaming Ideas

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Wii Wow Wonder...erm, woman.Santa is a bastard! He didn’t bring me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Come on Santa, how many begging letters to the North Pole do I need to send before I get one? It cost me a fortune in stamps, and now the lady at the Post Office thinks I’m weird.

How else can I work off all that holiday booze, other than by jiggling in front of the TV waving around a plastic wand?

Pining for a Wii got me thinking about all the fab games I won’t be playing this year. I’ve also come up with a few game ideas of my own. How much would all you Wii fans want to play the following games? A lot much, I reckon!

Snow Shovel Star 2009 – Relive all the fun of a sub-zero whiteout! Select your spade and get ready for hours of back-breaking shoveling fun! Plough your way through levels including Appalachian Avalanche, Dig Out the Car before the Wife Gives Birth, and Springtime in Winnipeg! Great snow shoveling practice for Dad!

Kozy Knitting Korner – You’ll knot want to put down your Wireless Knitting Needles with this awesome craft game! Knit virtual sweaters, socks and fluffy gifts for all the family. It’s not a complete waste of time at all! Coming soon – World of LoomCraft and Potter’s Wheel for Wii!

Espresso A Go-Go – Realize your barista dreams with your own virtual percolator! Use your wand to select your beans, grind them to perfection, then fill your coffee machine and watch it brew! Obviously you can’t drink the coffee as it’s pretend.

Your very own Virtual ShamWow!ShamWow Mansion – The most absorbent game you’ll ever play! Using the WiiWow Virtual Miracle Cloth, race around ShamWow Mansion clearing up cola, pet stains and vomit before That Guy With The Headset catches you and kills you with his Weapon of Mass Absorption!
If you’re not saying “Wow!” by the end of this game, you must be fucked in the head or something!

Busker Bum – It’s like Guitar Hero for the homeless! Busk and beg for money on the mean streets of Wiiville. Can you make enough money to buy your next wrap of heroin or bottle of meths? Will your audience be throwing you bucks – or buttons? Don’t forget to watch out for violent cops, drunken tramps and overpriced hookers!

Go On, Poke It With A Stick – Ewww, what’s that? Probe and prod for hours with your Virtual Poking Stick! Jab your way through squishy adventures including Roadkill Alley, Poo Bar and This Looks Like a Job For CSI. Icky!

I’m off to copyright these game ideas right now. If I ever get my hands a flamin’ Wii before I die of old age, I promise to dedicate all my productive time to mopping up at ShamWow Mansion. Game on!


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