Guest Poster – Eddie McMayonnaise On the Telephone!
The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.
I hate phone calls! Sometimes I pick up the phone and the first thing I hear is some guy chirping “Hi! How are you?” Not “Hello, Randy here!” or “Can I speak to Eddie McMayonnaise please?” like normal people do. He doesn’t even introduce himself. A stranger has called me to enquire about my well-being. Is he a stalker? I hope it isn’t that stinky guy that sat next to me on the bus yesterday. I was hoping my stalker would be female. Or at least use deodorant. Pah!
So I’ve got this nameless weirdo on the phone asking me how I am. I guess I’m supposed to be polite and say “Fine! And you?” and then we can finally get on with the conversation. Supposing I’m not fine? Or feeling sarcastic? Maybe I should say “I’m feeling really horny right now…” and see where that gets me. If the caller is the tax office or my new editor, even better.
The phone always rings just as I’m sitting down to eat dinner, of course. The other night, I received one of those ghastly telemarketing calls. Some idiot who called himself “Jeff” but sounded more like “Sanjeev” started droning on about reward cards and overdrafts from some dodgy-sounding bank…
“We offer a fixed term low interest loan and sir we just need your date of birth and car registration number to set up an account right now sir and we also offer a high interest fixed savings account for your cat and we just need your social insurance number and a list of your freezer contents and sir we can set up this account now…”
Jeff/Sanjeev wouldn’t take no for an answer so I put the phone down on him. He called back five minutes later and continued his pitch as if nothing had happened! I put the phone down again. He called back again to enquire why I had put the phone down on him! What?
So I moved house. Ha!
Ohhhh I’m so angry! I’m off to tear down to a child’s treehouse. CYA!
Hi, sir. How are you? I am sorry to hear that you had to move house, and I hope that things will be fine with you soon.
You may not have realized it, but your impromptu house shifting rather put a road bump to my sales pitch, you know. But do not worry, sir. If you will give me the phone number to your new home, we can resume where we had dropped off (viz a polite inquiry on how you came to disconnect the call in the middle of our earlier conversation).
So please leave your number. In case you are unable to do so, sir, we just need your date of birth, zodiac sign, and the color and make of your car, and we shall find you.
If you have also altered your dining habits, please let us know about your new schedule.
P.S. We also offer attractive schemes on children’s tree-houses.
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Dearest Mr. McMayonnaise,
After reading about your dislike for all things polite and phone related, I have been able to solve a lifelong mystery: I am your long lost son.
sincerely,
Benji McMayonnaise.
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Tell them you’re a professional phone-sex operator and that they’re welcome to give you their spiel…at $15/first minute and $10/minute thereafter.
Make them give you their credit card number first.
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– Some kind of meat packed into a tupperware container.
– Some sort of frozen healthy dinner thing
– Ice that I paid $1.50 for and then didn’t use but was too stubborn to let melt so I threw the bag into the freezer
– A chocolate milkshake from four months ago that I forgot
There…the contents of my freezer…can I get that dodgy loan now?
Funny stuff…
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They always ring at exactly the wrong time don’t they? ….. I usually say I’m half way through a heart attack and could they please phone back later …… they never do …..
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Hammy: Aggghhh! How did you find me? You people always track me down in the end. I’m calling my realtor right now, buddy!
Benji: Was your mother a guide on the ‘Maid of the Mist’ boat tour at Niagara Falls? I don’t want to get into details about what we did under those plastic capes, but… If she wasn’t, then the answer, sadly, is no.
Stephanie: Nice idea, although I don’t think Mrs. McMayo will be too pleased about that. Dirty talk makes her very irritable.
VE: I’m sure Hammy there is taking all your details as we speak. And if you tell him your favourite Adam Sandler movie, you will be entered into a free draw for a holiday in Florida…
Daddy: How inconsiderate! How are you supposed to call 911 when they are yacking on the phone about credit cards? Bah!
Caller ID is worth every cent you pay for it.
I personally like the trick of hanging up on yourself while you’re in mid-sentence. Makes them think it was their fault. Then you just don’t answer again.
The best, though, is offering to sell them something… like the gift wrap your kid’s selling for school. You can go on for hours about how their purchase will allow your child to win the blow-up bean bag chair that they’ve been salivating over for ages!
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OMG I can’t stand those MOFO’S..I usually just take the phone off the hook and let them listen to the kids scream..
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