Tag: hollywood

Tiggy, Movie Star (No, really! Tiggy’s in a movie!)

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Just don't spit on it.

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too.

Part 1 – Preparation

It’s not the first time I’ve been in front of the cameras. I’ve accidentally wandered onto many movie sets and live news reports, usually resulting in scuffles and clapperboards being thrown in my direction. But this time is different – I’m going to act in a movie!

I’m so excited. I’m very honoured to be working with such fine people. I’m sure the cast and crew will be pleased to work with me too! Hopefully they’ve forgotten all about me being thrown out of their last movie premiere party.

Tiggy, stop looking at the bloody camera!This time, persistence has paid off. I got a call from the casting office to say for fuck’s sake Tiggy, stop spamming us with e-mails, we’ve got your bloody name on the list. We’ll let you know when to turn up on set.

This is going to be awesome!

I must point out, dear readers, that my role is as yet unknown. By that I mean I’m a background cast member. By that I mean I don’t have any lines. OK, I’m an extra. But they’re important too! They perform a vital role as crowds and miscellaneous pedestrians. And like all good actors, I need to prepare.

The biggest challenge facing us extras, I mean, background actors, is to understand our purpose. We are the random faces in the crowd and the mysterious unknown characters behind the stars. We give the movie depth and substance.

Trifles. Movies. More in common than you think.If a movie is like a trifle, the main cast is like the custard and cream. And the background cast is the undercurrent of jelly gently supporting them (not just currant jelly – any sort of jelly really).

The custard and cream are the best bits, but you can’t have trifle without jelly. And I guess that makes the crew the sponge fingers? Um.
Anyway, I’m going to abandon this trifle analogy and just reiterate that extras are very important.

As well as mentally prepare, I have to be in peak physical condition. My rigorous detox program, low-fat diet and calisthenics workouts lasted all of two days, so for now I’m just cutting back on cheese. I will consume my weekly ration of cocktails at the weekend cast parties. Weekend cast parties! And they can’t throw me out this time!

Don't look into the camera can't let the director down don't look into the camera...I also have an excuse to spend $$$ on fancy hair cuts, make-up and manicures. I am beginning to understand the pressure a movie star must feel to look good all the time. Suppose the director shoots a scene with my feet in it? My toenails have to be perfect and nicely painted, just in case.

And I can’t drink anything other than French mineral water – I have to think about my complexion you know! And I’m hoping I get a nice trailer, I need space to prepare.

Oh, I feel actor’s burnout coming on. I’m off to borrow some prescription drugs and visit my masseuse…

Will Tiggy make it to the set without going off the rails? What role has the director got in store for her? Is she sure she hasn’t been duped into making some greasy porno? Will she get a nice trailer? Find out in Part Two! 

Their casting couch is beckoning over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Hollywood Movie

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You like me, you really... oh, maybe not.

I didn’t know what Hollywood scriptwriters looked like until I saw them on the picket lines during the recent writers’ strike. They looked normal enough – they didn’t drive up in their Ferraris flashing botox smiles like Tinsel Town big shots. They wore normal clothes, had normal faces and probably had messy houses and an overdraft like everyone else.

Hollywood needs them. Can you imagine if they were filming CSI: Las Vegas and the director says to the cast “Hmmm, maybe someone can pretend to be dead, here’s some fake blood. Fucked if I know, just make it up as you go along…” Gil Grissom wouldn’t look like such a know-it-all forensic fancy pants then.

Awesome Movie
Maybe I had what it took to be a movie screenwriter. Stupidly, I wondered out loud to my friends how easy it must be. All you need is to think up some characters, put them in a situation and then resolve that situation, somehow, in about 95 minutes. Go on, my friends said. At least come up with an idea.

My movie script needed careful planning. I had to come up with fascinating characters and an intriguing plotline with plenty of twists. Half an hour of solid work through my lunch break later, I had the foundations of my awesome movie – a dark road trip comedy with a clever subplot. I’d hardly finished my cup-a-soup as I typed out my synopsis. I am in the wrong job, I thought. Just wait until my friends read this. I wonder which producer will call me first?

Hot Dog-Eating Monkeys
My friends’ reviews were lukewarm. “Um, Tiggy, hasn’t this been done before?” “I don’t get that bit about the monkey and the hot dog eating contest…” “I’ve noticed one major flaw in your plotline…”

What a bunch of loser armchair critics. How dare they trash my idea! I played the whole movie back in my mind – it was fantastic! I’d pay to see it several times at a theatre. I sulked like a diva for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a screenwriter. The pressure to come up with original, logical and entertaining material is too much for me. The trauma of a rejected idea is unbearable. These Hollywood writers must have a thick skin, even without the botox.


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