Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Diet Water
We all know how hard it is to diet – trying to lose those hanging rolls of repulsive flab can seem like an impossible feat! Fortunately those svelte Japanese boffins have invented an incredible new weight loss weapon – Diet Water! It’s fat-tastic!
According to our calculations, regular water contains zero calories, so this magical mineral water must contain minus 50 calories, or something like that! Drink Diet Water and you are actually LOSING weight! Or something like that!*
* Enjoy all those forbidden foods including burgers, pepperoni and lard sandwiches – Diet Water will wash those fatty calories right out your system and replace them with negative calories, somehow! Save up your negative calories as credits towards your next uncontrolled McBinge session!
* Need to squeeze yourself into that wedding dress or manly beach thong? Simply consume nothing but Diet Water for just ONE WEEK and you could flush away up to 2lbs of disgusting body fat!*
* According to our calculations, assuming a margin of error of approx 98%.
Oh, I’ve heard about this, you know… Thin people drinking water and vanishing from the face of the Earth. This stuff is dangerous.
Of course, the danger doesn’t apply to plus size people like me. I can use the -50 calories per bottle. Magic, I tell ya. I can see it now. Glug glug glug, and I go off sprinting for gold, throwing javelins and what not.
Best of all, it’s the ultimate license to gorge. Double cheese pizza? No problem. Just hand me that bottle of diet water first. Chocolate fudge? Piece of cake. Milk shakes and sundaes? Every Sunday through Saturday. Ice cream with honey-dipped cashew topping? Deep fried crispy chi…
Damn it, I’m dreaming again, aren’t I? It was a sweet dream, while it lasted.
Minus 50 calories, that’s incredible! Are you sure? 😉
Thank goodness. That regular water was making me fat.
nanodance’s last blog post..SAME GREAT STORY, BRAND NEW PACKAGING!
It’s about time they came up with a drink for those for whom skinny just isn’t enough!
Put me down for a case!
Stephanie’s last blog post..An Example of What I’m Talking About
I can die happy, because now I’ve seen everything.
C.B.Jones’s last blog post..Open letter to that camel who spat on my now ex-girlfriend at the fair that one time.
Oh, yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Life is definitely worth living again. I can hardly wait to see the fat just melt off my body. I bet I’ll look just like the before and after pictures you posted… but without quite so much body hair.
Larew’s last blog post..What? Me Worry?
No wonder thoe Japanese are so slim!
Tiggy, next time you post pictures of naked fat guys (is this a fetish??) please can you put some kind of warning first? Pleaseee!!
Gotta get me some of that stuff. Can they send me an email about it? I believe everything I get in emails. After all, who would take the time to write me if they’re going to lie?
Joel Klebanoff’s last blog post..Remember Your Coffee
Hammy: I wonder, if you bathed in this stuff, it would melt cellulite?
Evil Evo: Am I ever wrong? Really?
Nanodance: I wonder, if you mixed Diet Water with whiskey, the drink would actually be calorie-free? That could go down at storm at Weight Watchers meetings.
Stephanie: And at only $89.50 a bottle, it’s a bargain! Sort of.
C.B.: Glad to be of service!
Larew: I think those pictures say it all.
Jeff: No.
Joel: I don’t think anyone would ever be mean enough to send fake e-mails.
Hey, I didn’t give you permission to use those before-and-after pictures of my midsection. I’m going to sue your fucking ass off and use the profits to buy more diet water. Diet water saved my life!
MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings’s last blog post..My Dinner With Andre the Giant: Part 3 of a 3-Part Series
Diet water! Really? This goes along with yogurt to help you poop regular and water with fruit in it so you don’t have to actually eat the fruit. People are so fricken stupid
ettarose’s last blog post..Driving Miss Daisy to See the SEO
Oh, man. All these years I’ve been wasting my time on fattening regular water. No wonder the Japanese are a superior race.
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Got a New Camera so you don’t have to
Diet Water? It’s things like this that make me lose all hope for humanity.
John J Savo’s last blog post..Remedial English for Athletes 101
Lard sandwiches. Good idea!
Mike’s last blog post..Oh look, it’s back.
Yes, I would like to order 437 cases of Diet Water.
And a pepperoni pizza.
Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post..Insecure? Me? I Laugh (a little too loudly) at Your Accusations.
Just the headline on this one had me laughing outloud.