I should have spent my weekend sitting in a hot tub getting drunk with naked men. Instead I spent it in front of my computer trying to remove a dastardly computer virus. I knew that Winner Notification e-mail from the Greenland Lottery Board was too good to be true.
What will those horrible hackers and malware madmen unleash next? I predict the following viruses will be crawling around your motherboard soon. Follow my handy antivirus tips to avoid total computer meltdown!
LOLworm – infects your photo gallery and inserts improper comments on your treasured family photos.
The damage from this virus is hard to erase unless you are a Photoshop genius. To avoid embarrassment, simply cut yourself off from family and friends.
DimSumDialler – Calls up your local Chinese take-out and orders $127 worth of egg rolls and pork dumplings.
A virus that orders take-out on your behalf could be beneficial, particularly if you are so addicted to the internet you have trouble leaving your computer. Hungry hackers are currently working on Taco Bell Trojan to create more culinary variety.
Pork Spam – Inserts random meat-related words into your e-mails as you type.
There is no way to delete this pesky virus, so you’re going to have to roll with it. Or is that sausage roll with it? You will somehow have to integrate meaty musings into your infected messages:
Your co-workers may think you’re on drugs. Just tell them you’re on drugs, it’s a lot easier.
eBay Yard Sale – Automatically lists the entire contents of your house on the popular auction site.
You won’t know this virus has hit until people start knocking on your door demanding your television, lawnmower and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD collection.
Look on the bright side, it’s a great way of getting rid of your useless junk. Do you really need that refrigerator?
PowerPorn – Inserts random pornographic slides into your important corporate presentation.
Embarrassing picture suddenly appeared in your PowerPoint presentation? Don’t worry. No-one’s paying the slightest bit of attention to your dreary meeting. Those bondage domination pictures will be barely noticed, unless the guy in that rubber suit is your boss.
Cum On Feel The Noize – Overrides the ‘Mute’ setting on your computer while watching internet porn at work.
Silent sex show suddenly blaring at full volume? Mask erotic moans blasting from your computer by screaming even louder than those dirty porn stars. Wail loudly that a rabid raccoon is biting your leg. This will clear the office in seconds and save you from further blushes.
Plane Crazy – Transfers Air Traffic Control duties from the local airport to your laptop.
If you see this screen, don’t panic.
Think of it as the ultimate video game – simply stop the little planes from crashing into each other! Take a deep breath. Extinguish your joint and put down your beer. The fate of thousands of passengers and crew are in your hands.
Bet you regret not updating your antivirus now.
Oh Deer – Your computer emits a low-frequency hum mimicking nubile does on heat.
Herds of aroused stags will appear in your garden, fighting, pooping and attempting to ruck their way through your front door. If you have a shotgun and a large barbeque, you’re in luck. If not, be prepared for a long night of deer sex.
If you stumbled across this post by Googling ‘deer sex’ I assume you either live in New Brunswick, or my nightmare virus predictions have already come true.
Log off, shut down and lube up.