Porn Queens
Pornographic movies – they don’t make them like they used to. Nowadays the internet is awash with amateurish peep shows made by wannabe porn stars. It seems everyone and their dog (or goat) has filmed a shoddy prick-flick with no thought to the subtleties of plotline or atmosphere. Not like the classic porn of my youth.
Before internet porn, kids had to satisfy their sexual curiosity by peeking at crispy Playboy magazines or raiding their parents’ stash of ancient pornographic VHS tapes. My pre-teen buddies and I would giggle our way through greasy German epics like Frau Doctor and the oddly-translated Tiger Bitch. The movies were a celebration of wobbly camera work, wobbly breasts and a soundtrack that sounded like a stoned James Last Orchestra playing in a washing machine.
Tongues
The plotlines were fabulous. We couldn’t wait to see how Frau Doctor’s first day on the job went. And the action! Boy on girl, girl on girl, boy and girl on… not quite sure, the camera was out of focus again. Tiger Bitch could unwrap a man in a minute using only her tongue. And she did rude things to other ladies too! We hadn’t thought of that before.
Our impressionable minds began to fill with confusion. How were we going to remember all those positions? Were all men that hairy? Should a penis really go there? And despite the badly dubbed moans of pleasure the ladies didn’t seem to be having much fun. Frau Doctor looked like she needed a dose of painkillers rather than another hairy patient with a swollen crotch problem.
Silly Boys
Sadly, the lessons we learned from these classic movies went to waste. By the time the boys in our class discovered that their thing wasn’t just for pissing, we had all got bored of sex and Tiger Bitch. We dedicated our energy to raiding our parents’ drinks cabinets instead.
Who knows, maybe the good Doctor and her Feline-Canine pal are still entertaining the masses via webcam from their Rhineland seniors’ home.
VHS porn Queens, we salute you!
I always thought it was hilarious when you heard the girl say something but her mouth was clearly too full to talk.
where would we be without VHS porn queens ….
You are correct. The porn is not what it used to be. Let’s bring back the days where you’d lose an erection because you were laughing too hard.
I’ve bookmarked your blog. It’s a good read. Drop by my pop culture comedy blog if you need to kill some time. Have a good one.
I remember fondly those days of sneaking looks at Playboy..:)))
Thrice dubbed VHS porn videos still beat (and that is not a pun) many interweb downloads by a longshot (nope, still not a pun.)
So, I’ll keep my copies and my pair of boxers that have “Good Times Ahead” on them written in braille.
Hey Tiggy youve reminded me that my buddy still has old my old porno tapes he borrowed years ago! I guess theyre all broke now, they were the “creme de le creme” as Cyrus says!!
Hey JD I like your site!
yeah, tiggy. youngsters today just don’t know how easy they have it. as children of the internet age, porn has become an inalienable right to them. if they only knew the struggles of their pudd-pounding predecessors. fuzzy cable channels (remember furiously tapping the “a/b” button on your remote for that glorious 1-3 second nipple shot), JC Penny bra ads or -Excalibur!- that one tattered, dog-eared Penthouse passed amongst your friends…we had to make do with what we had, damn it. now, porn COMES TO THEM without request via email. if they only knew. in fact, tiggy, thank you. you just inspired a blog posting of my own.
onward!
Sigh. I remember my first porno. They really were hairy back then, weren’t they?
Jeff – I mean, what the hell was the girl trying to say (other than “will you bloody hurray up, I’m getting my nails done at 3”?)
JD – We would have to look at naked men on Greek urns instead.
Sully – Hahah, thanks for that mental image! I’ll be sure to steal stuff from your site. 😉
Robert – It were so poor where we lived we didn’t find fancy stuff like Playboy – only Razzle or Amatuer Housewife Monthly (shudder)
Jeff – Braille underpants? Pictures, please!
MC – Your buddy has probably sold them for $$$ on eBay by now. Now fuck off, I got work to do. 😉
Blaine – We had to work for our cheap thrills in those days. Mind you, if we could have sat at home all day looking at net porn, we’d never had gone to school.
JD – The thought of Ron Jeremey still makes me feel slightly queasy – it’s a wonder we went near boys again!
Very Good
Excellent blog.