Tag: snow

10 Things You Didn’t Know About… Greenland

Greenland - It's allwhite by me!

Chelle B. of Offended Blogger and Humorbloggers fame has started a campaign to Save Greenland. She is attempting to haul Greenland into the 21st century (or at least the 20th) by drawing international attention to the country’s lack of internet access, hot women, nail bars and Dairy Queen restaurants. Or something like that.

In my attempt to help the cause, I’ve spent literally minutes searching the internet for fascinating facts about this frigid land. I couldn’t find any, so I’ve made some up instead.

Vees way fur die free hookers! Unt all ve frozen prawns ur kan eat!1. Greenland was discovered by Viking explorer Erik the Red. Being ginger-haired, Erik didn’t have many friends, so he encouraged folks to immigrate to his new land by giving it an appealing name. The new inhabitants of Freewhoreland were to be disappointed.

2. Many wars have been fought over Greenland as countries have attempted to palm it off onto their enemies. Norway tricked the Nazis into annexing it during WWII. Hitler was so enraged he ordered the Luftwaffe to bomb Greenland out of existence.

Unfortunately the Luftwaffe couldn’t be bothered and dropped their payload on England instead, leading to an escalation of the war and many more years of misery. Thanks for nothing, Greenland!

3. The Queen of Greenland is Denmark’s Margrethe II, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.

4. The Greenlandic alphabet consists of only the letters Q, L and T. By law, every word must contain a Q. Interestingly, the letter B is banned due to its similarity to a pert pair of breasts.

Frozen shrimp! Yummy, sucky, Greenlandy!5. Greenland’s national dish is frozen prawns. No cooking time required, simply pop an icy prawn in your mouth and suck until its little head pops off. Mmm, shrimpy.

6. Greenland’s capital Qptqqtl is both the world’s smallest and largest city! Every summer the ice sheet it sits on breaks up, and parts of the city drift hundreds of miles into the Atlantic. It is believed one part of Qptqqtl is now a suburb of Boston.

7. Greenland’s main exports are ice cubes, huskies and parts of Qptqqtl.

Rut-Rohh.8. The Greenland national anthem, Qppt! Qlt! (roughly translated as Fuck Me, It’s Cold) goes like this:

Oh, the endless piles of snow
It’s the iceberg we call home.
We have everything we need
Except free whores, sun and weed.

We’d love to move to other lands
With their palm trees, sun and sand
We’d rather suck a husky’s cock
Than be men of Greenland stock.

It must bring a tear to every Greenlander’s eye.

9. Christmas day can be traumatic for Greenland’s gadget lovers. Because there are no trees on Greenland, locals have to put their presents under a large pile of snow. Great if you’ve asked Santa for a box of frozen prawns, not so good if you requested a Playstation.

10. With the onset of global warming, Greenland may disappear completely within 20 years. Oh well.

I’d love to donate to the campaign to “Bring tomorrow to yesterday’s Greenland today”, but to be honest I can’t be arsed. Good luck Chelle!

Support the cuase! Save Greenland! From something or other.

Show your support for Greenland by clicking the happy face at Humor-Blogs.com!


Useful Things To Do With Snow

Pretend Drugs Fun

Snow. It’s fun for the first week, isn’t it? Four months of non-stop blizzards later, I’m tiring of the frosty white stuff.

The lady on the Weather Channel advised me to leave my nice warm house and try to embrace it. I went skiing but was politely asked to leave the slopes after mowing down a kindergarten snowboarding class. I made a snowman, but he scared me. There must be something else to do with snow.

Freezer – When the power goes out (and it will) rescue your beer and fish sticks by burying them in the snow. However, you will need to maintain a 24-hour guard to ensure raccoons, rats and neighbours keep away from your precious horde. That ice pick will come in handy after all.

Post No Bills – Pack your postbox full of snow. Postal workers will be unable to deliver those post-Christmas credit card statements and outrageous heating bills.

Time Capsule – Keep the kids amused by placing newspaper clippings, photos and post-Christmas credit card statements in a time capsule. Place under a pile of snow. The spring thaw (May) will reveal the capsule! Go down memory lane and revisit the good old days (January).

Popsicles – Pour orange juice on the snow and suck away.

Snow Art – Pile up snow and call it Art. Your front garden is now an art gallery so there may be Government tax credits to be had. Give your snow piles pretentious names like “Sky Dream Mastication #16” and collect $$$ from your local Arts department.

eBay – Might as well try selling it. If people can auction single cornflakes and donuts shaped like Pope John Paul II, who knows what else the idiots will bid for. Shovel snow into a jar and call it “Elasticated Sky Box #9” to add value. Your customer may complain the installation has melted when they receive it, but that’s like, Art , right?

YouTube Drug Fun – Pretend your garden is full of cocaine. Pretend to snort it and fall over a lot. Get your friends to film it and put it on YouTube. Isn’t YouTube a hoot?

Psychedelic Snow Drug Fun – Sprinkle food dyes around your neighbour’s snowy garden and act normal. When they ask you if you can see multi-colour snow, declare they must be on psychedelic drugs and call the cops. Get your friends to film it and put it on YouTube. What fun!

Now I’ve come up with all these great ideas for enjoying snow, the sun has come out and the damn stuff has melted into grimy grey blobs. Thanks for nothing, lady on the Weather Channel.