Tag: tips

If I Had $100

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Only $78.65 to go...

If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a green dress
And if I had a million dollars, I’d buy you some art
If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you a monkey
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love…

So sang popular music group The Barenaked Ladies. Well, it’s alright for them, isn’t it? With their luxury jets, platinum records and gold-plated bongs, it’s easy for rock stars to imagine such fabulous wealth. But in the current financial climate we are all going to have to lower our sights somewhat.

What if I had a hundred dollars? Could I still live a jet-set lifestyle?

Travel
Taking an exotic vacation is an everyday task for the rich and famous. I was planning to slip onto a flight to Bermuda disguised as an oversized golf bag. Then I realized it would cost me $60 for a taxi to the airport. And $60 to get back home. That’s $120, dammit!

Magnetic Hill! More fun than, erm...Forget air travel then. What about the bus? Not very glamorous, but if I pretended it was a rock ‘n’ roll tour bus I might just cope. I could pretend the old people were roadies and the lanky students were drug dealers.

Unfortunately, for $100 return I can only get as far as… Moncton, New Brunswick. Bermuda it ain’t. But they do have a magical magnetic hill! I can spend my luxury vacation on a foggy mountain watching cars roll backwards up a slope. Oh good.

Shelter
Forget a penthouse apartment. Forget a basement bed-sit. Forget a tent – they’re $200! But for $100 you can buy a lot of bin bags and a roll of duct tape. Simply stick them together to create a fabulous tent! You can even add an extension by taping grocery bags together. All the stars will be living in them soon! I’m going to take it on my Moncton camping trip.
I wonder… are bin bags bear-proof? At $3 a roll, I bloody hope so!

Food
Jet-setters never set foot in the kitchen – cooking is for poor people! So how can you eat out every day for months, on just $100? Easy. The cheapest food is found in the school canteen. I’m sure we all have fond childhood memories of school dinners and that plate of succulent meat thing, mashed stuff and grease sauce. Yum!

Invest $50 in a pile of textbooks, a bundle of papers and an unfashionable sweater. Roam the corridors of your local school pretending to be the supply Physics teacher. When the lunchtime bell rings, join the queue for your hearty subsidized feast!

If your disguise is too convincing, you may find yourself in front of a class full of bored teenagers. Simply tell them to open their textbooks at page 132 and read to themselves for an hour, while you hide in the janitor’s shed until home time. That’s what my teachers did!

Bargain bling! And a free key with every purchase.Stuff
$100 isn’t going to buy much stuff. I went to the dollar store to splash out on $1 trinkets and shiny things, but to my horror I discovered everything cost $2! Bastards.

Fortunately, I’ve found the perfect store to load up on bargain gems. Murder Mo’s House Of Bling & Key Cutting While-U-Wait offers glittering collection of stunning jewelry that looks a million bucks, but only costs a few New Brunswick Dollars! Now I can ‘jewel up’ and hang with the beautiful people in the hippest clubs in Moncton, without looking like a cheap idiot! Phew.

So in conclusion, is it possible to live like a jet-setting rock star on $100? Well, unless you live in a bin bag tent in Moncton and spend your days hiding in school sheds wearing plastic diamonds… No.


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Cubicle Wars

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Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


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Tiggy’s Energy Crisis Top Tips

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Oil prices - they can't go any higher!Global oil prices have rocketed, food is now a luxury and we’re all going to freeze to death this winter. Fortunately, I’ve been giving this some thought and come up with some energy saving tips to help you through these dark days of global crisis and misery. You’ll help save the environment, but more importantly you’ll have extra money to spend on essentials like cake and video games.

– Save on outrageous heating bills by installing a herd of cows in your basement. The warmth created by their bulky bodies and frequent urination will fill the house with radiant heat and also provide you with a source of free cream and leather goods.

I knew that hot tub would be useful for something.– Install a hot tub. This may not sound very green, but you can utilize its soothing bubbles to wash dishes, dirty clothes and bathe the whole family – all at the same time! You can probably buy eco-friendly hot tubs with solar panels and wind turbines or something.

– In the event of vicious global conflicts over precious resources, simply turn your trusty hot tub upside down and cover with camouflage netting to create your own ‘wartime spirit’ Anderson bomb shelter. Don’t forget your stockpile of Spam!

– Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!

Facebook - here's one I made earlier.

– Can’t afford food? Simply seek out free fodder by following the masters of the free lunch – rats. Join them for a feast of leftover pizza, filet-o-fish burgers and cigarette butts at their favourite dumpster. The local duck pond is also a good source for bread and home-baked goodies.

Old people. Dontcha love em?

– Hypermile. Elderly drivers have been using this gas saving technique for years. Simply drive everywhere at 20mph and slipstream by driving 5 inches behind the car in front. Turn off your engine at every intersection and red traffic light.

With the money saved by hypermiling, you too can afford to buy a huge motor home and drive it very slowly around Florida

– Conserve water by flushing the toilet less – leave the bathroom only after completing all necessary functions for the day (including bladder, solid waste and any other desired expulsions). It may take a while, but just remember you’re also helping to save dolphins or whatever. Better still, wait until you are at work to perform your morning ablutions – it may not save water but it won’t be on your utility bill.

You could save even more money by not going to work at all. You can now spend your days in the hot tub eating discarded fish burgers and recreating internet porn. Although the drop in income means you cannot pay your electricity bill, look on the bright side – you couldn’t afford it when you had a job so you’ve lost nothing. Happy days!

Clicking on the Humor-Blogs.com link helps save a whale. Maybe.


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Look Busy, The Boss Is Watching

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Are you stressed out, under pressure and short of time at work? Or are there days when your ‘In’ tray stays empty and the hours drag on until home time?

You’re not being lazy – there is nothing to do. Not even dull stuff. How can you look busy and avoid being labelled a slacker by your boss? I’ve come up with a few tips to help you waste time while looking productive.

A full desk is a busy desk

Paper Mountains – The must-have desk accessory for those toil-free days. Scatter files, letters and other meaningless junk across your desk. Make your own paper mountains by rescuing items from the recycle bin or photocopying old reports. Shuffle, staple and hole-punch these paper props whenever the boss walks by.

Internet – The timewaster’s best friend. If co-workers can see your monitor, hide your browser behind an Excel spreadsheet so you can toggle between the two to avoid suspicion. Look slightly pained as you surf – you are not poking your friend on Facebook, you are working out a very complicated equation.

Phone Calls – Mask personal calls as business conversations. Tell your friends to ask questions you can only answer with a yes or no. Using your best business voice, respond “Yes…yes. No.” in a professional manner, throwing in random comments about sales figures. You can chat away to your buddies and look productive at the same time.

Write A Novel – Always keep a notebook on your desk. Look busy by writing stories, shopping lists and badly composed haikus. What the hell do you think I’m doing now?

Locate your nearest exitHave a Stroll – Don’t wander about aimlessly, but take a random document from your paper mountain and march around the office pretending to look for someone. Make sure they’re out – you don’t want to run into them and have to explain why you’re bringing them a stationary invoice from 1987. If your workplace is expansive you can walk around for hours. If not, have a walk around the company next door.

Caffeine – Waste valuable time at the coffee machine as you ponder the brew selections and stuff sugar packets into your pockets. Work in several trips to the water cooler and you’re well on your way to 5pm. Think of the extra time you’ll waste rushing to the washroom after all that fluid.

Meetings – Use these communal time wasting sessions to your advantage. Arrive early and scribble furiously in your notebook during the meeting (obviously you will be writing your novel, not taking notes). Ask the speaker lots of questions at the end to avoid returning to your desk – you’re doing them a favour by wasting their time too.

Desk Games – Who has the stupidest name in the phone book? How many paperclips can you stack? If you take your mouse apart, will it work when you put it back together?Stop being a quitter

Start Smoking – How come nicotine addicts can slope off and indulge their habit whenever they like? If drinkers and stoners were afforded the same privilege, time wasting would be much easier (and hazier). If you don’t want to start smoking, just go outside anyway and tell your fellow smokers you’re on the patch but can’t shake the smoke break ritual.

Get Another Job – If you spend every day making paperclip towers, wandering the corridors looking for invisible people and hiding in the washroom, it’s time to quit. Your employers are wasting your valuable time.

Life is too short to be doing a non-job, unless you really enjoy spending your day doing nothing useful. In which case you should have followed your parents’ advice and become a lawyer.


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