Testing, Testing: Tiggy’s Mock Exam
Examination season is upon us! Except for me; I always pay someone else to take my exams. Being the helpful sort I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out. Hopefully you will find the exact same questions when you turn over your test paper!
You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.
Good luck!
MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?
2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?
3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?
4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.
5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.
HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?
2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.
3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?
4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?
5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.
PHILOSOPHY
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.
2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.
3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.
4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.
5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.
BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.
2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.
3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.
4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.
5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.
Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Tiggy way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf – only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.
