Tag: shopping

Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Process That Deer!

Oh deer!

Hunters – do you have piles of dead deer blocking up your lodge entrance? Devoid of ideas on what to do with your bloodied bounty? All stuffed out with the Do-It-Yourself Taxidermy kit? Thank goodness someone has created this fabulous DVD packed with ideas to – yes – process that deer!

Featuring step-by-step instructions from leading deer processing experts Monty O’Drizzle and his assistant Bob Nutter, you too can get that decaying deer cut and shut before sundown!

* Slash, slice and dice with confidence as you transform your bucket of buck into a bountiful feast of burgers, pies and sausages. You’ll be such a culinary hit even your tree-sucking vegetarian friends will be gorging on bloody steaks in no time!

* Monty and Bob demonstrate 101 uses for a deceased doe and create accessories for your truck and trailer, stunning costume jewellery, a children’s bouncy castle and a replica of the late Charlton Heston!

– Don’t forget to order the slash-happy duo’s other entrail-taining DVDs including

* Beaver BBQ Blow Out
* Black Bear to Biofuel In Three Easy Steps
* You Hit The Cat, Now What?

So grab your rifle and get blasting!


Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Adult Baby Diapers

I’m A Big Kid Now!

I'm a big kid now.

I thought adult diapers were designed for people with a medical condition until I discovered these cutie-pie XXL sized botty potty bags!

Big babies everywhere can sleep comfortably in their cribs wearing these high quality diapers. But they’re not just for the nursery!

* Never miss a minute of the hockey game or theatrical spectacular while wearing the ultimate in porta-potties!

* Ladies, no need to spend hours lining up at the nightclub washrooms when you can go… without going anywhere!

* A diaper for the winter sports market is overflowing with potential. Spend all day on-piste without getting piste-off struggling with bulky snowsuits in the washroom! Banish that frosty feeling with instant warm relief whenever nature calls! I see Winter Olympics merchandising opportunities here.


Taking ShamWow to the Next Level

Wii shamwowWhat’s orange, German and intent on world domination? No, not a Nazi with a suntan, but the mighty ShamWow! The legendary TV ad starring Vince Offer and his super-absorbent miracle cloth has resulted in millions reaching for the phone, desperately hoping they call in the next 20 minutes to receive another ShamWow FREE to use in the bathroom, or on pets, or even on Olympic divers…

Anyway, I’ve been giving ShamWow a lot of thought. Maybe too much thought. Not content with my fabulous Wii game concept, I’ve come up with more amazing ShamWow products that will have you saying “WOW!”

BabySham: New mothers! Wasting too much time changing baby when you could be reading mommy blogs? Simply swaddle your newborn in the BabySham super-absorbent diaper, which holds up to 20 litres of infant pee! If your baby is too heavy to pick up, it’s time to change the diaper! Great for the old and infirm too.

Wow On The Rocks: This take-anywhere liquor solution is perfect for busy alcoholics on the go! Pour two bottles of tequila, half a bottle of vodka and a splash of orange into your ShamWow and stow away in your briefcase or school bag. Simply wring the desired amount into a glass for an instant ShamWow Martini!

shamwow new orleansShamWow Levee: New Orleans! Fed up of your city being washed away every year? Introducing the new ShamWow Levee! This bright orange flood defence soaks up those troublesome floods in no time, without having you having to sit on your roof while your government ignores you!
Y’all be sayin’ “Wowwww!”

SnitchWow: Mafiosi! Looking for a lightweight, portable alternative to concrete boots? Simply wrap unwanted bloody corpses, mangled police informants or crazed Miami hookers in the SnitchWow blanket, drop into the river and let its super absorbency sink the dirty squealer like a stone!
Call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in a Goodfella Goo Mop – great for mopping up those irksome bloodstains!

TenaWow: Ladies of a certain age! Do you suffer from embarrassing leaks or accidents… are you still with me, camera guy…?

Can we mop it? Yes we can!


Bad Santa – Tiggy’s Terrible Christmas Gifts

Boys Town Gang? Ohh noes!If there’s something I hate more than the taste of chalk, it’s buying Christmas presents. I’m great at buying gifts for myself – I know exactly what I want and I’m never disappointed with the colour or quality.

But I’m clueless when it comes to friends and family. No matter how hard I try, I always end up buying the wrong thing and have to witness that familiar grimace as they open their unwanted gift.

This year I’ve decided to go one better and deliberately buy the worst gifts I can find. That way, no-one will be any more disappointed than usual, and I can have some fun.

Mmm, cabbagey.Power Juicer
It looks great on the TV, doesn’t it? You fill it with fruit and vegetables and it squirts out a healthy refreshing drink! The drink may be fluorescent green and smell like cabbage, but hey, think of the health benefits!

A juicer is a truly terrible gift. It says “You look like shit! You stuff your face with fast food all day – your body must be crying out for nutrition! You obviously have no idea how to cook, so here’s a machine you just shove fruit into. Think you can manage that?
You’ll have to gulp a glass of freshly-squeezed broccoli every time I visit, just so I think you love your gift.” Ha! Add a Spa day voucher if you feel really cruel.

That one on the right - doesn't he remind you of serial killer John Wayne Gacey?Glass Clown
If there’s one thing worse than a real clown, it’s a delicately crafted, multicolour Italian glass clown. Yes, from the country that brought you Ferrari and Michelangelo, Italy has now added gaudy deformed ornaments to their prestigious list. Why? Did a glassblower wake up one morning and think “Hey! I mak-a ma fortune by blowing a clown! Bellissimo!” A sad day for Europe.

This gift says “I’ve thought of the most unattractive, scary figure I could think of. I’ve had it made from psychedelic glass that clashes with everything you own. I’ve had it flown all the way from Italy. Because I’ve put so much effort into this gift, you will have to display this monstrosity in the most prominent place in your house. I am then going to buy you one every Christmas for the next 20 years.”

Embarrassing CD
I’ve been the recipient of many cringeworthy discs in my time – some of my relatives must really hate me. Any serious music fan is going to be seriously offended by offerings such as this:

Man Love Disco - Boys Town Gang pump it up. Eww.

Just be sure you don’t purchase something that is so bad, it’s good. It just has to be really bad.

Your musical gift of love shouts out “This CD shows how little attention I pay to your musical tastes. This CD is going to stand out in your serious music collection like a glowing pus-filled boil. Put it on now! Put on your dancing shoes and boogie on down, party boy! Rahahahh.”

Just what you always wanted.Pet Gifts
It’s fun to irritate a new mother by buying baby-related gifts on her birthday. So why not buy pet gifts for your animal loving relatives? A box of snacky bones or a scratching post is totally useless to them, but their furry friends will love you forever! It’s like stretching one gift to two recipients. Brilliant.

This gift says “I know your pet is the only thing in your miserable life that loves you, so I’ve decided to reward him, the poor creature. You’ll now have to spend Christmas feeding your gift to the dog.”

Balloon fail.Balloon Ride
Nothing says “I couldn’t be bothered to think about your gift” more than a free ride in something. And a balloon ride is the worst trip of all. On the face of it, a graceful and romantic balloon ride sounds like fun, but as far as I’m concerned it’s dangerous, scary, pointless and, did I mention dangerous? At least with skydiving you get a parachute.

This gift is great for unpleasant elderly relatives. It shouts “A trip of a lifetime – I hope so, because you won’t be around for another one! Once you realize you’re standing in a picnic hamper 10,000 feet above ground held up by a bag of air, those long-overdue heart palpitations might finally kick in! By the way, can you leave me that antique vase in your will?”

Follow these tips and your Christmas shopping trips will be a breeze! For more inspiration, head over to Shopping Bizarre for more ridiculous gift ideas!