Tag: scandinavia

10 Things You Didn’t Know About… Greenland

Greenland - It's allwhite by me!

Chelle B. of Offended Blogger and Humorbloggers fame has started a campaign to Save Greenland. She is attempting to haul Greenland into the 21st century (or at least the 20th) by drawing international attention to the country’s lack of internet access, hot women, nail bars and Dairy Queen restaurants. Or something like that.

In my attempt to help the cause, I’ve spent literally minutes searching the internet for fascinating facts about this frigid land. I couldn’t find any, so I’ve made some up instead.

Vees way fur die free hookers! Unt all ve frozen prawns ur kan eat!1. Greenland was discovered by Viking explorer Erik the Red. Being ginger-haired, Erik didn’t have many friends, so he encouraged folks to immigrate to his new land by giving it an appealing name. The new inhabitants of Freewhoreland were to be disappointed.

2. Many wars have been fought over Greenland as countries have attempted to palm it off onto their enemies. Norway tricked the Nazis into annexing it during WWII. Hitler was so enraged he ordered the Luftwaffe to bomb Greenland out of existence.

Unfortunately the Luftwaffe couldn’t be bothered and dropped their payload on England instead, leading to an escalation of the war and many more years of misery. Thanks for nothing, Greenland!

3. The Queen of Greenland is Denmark’s Margrethe II, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.

4. The Greenlandic alphabet consists of only the letters Q, L and T. By law, every word must contain a Q. Interestingly, the letter B is banned due to its similarity to a pert pair of breasts.

Frozen shrimp! Yummy, sucky, Greenlandy!5. Greenland’s national dish is frozen prawns. No cooking time required, simply pop an icy prawn in your mouth and suck until its little head pops off. Mmm, shrimpy.

6. Greenland’s capital Qptqqtl is both the world’s smallest and largest city! Every summer the ice sheet it sits on breaks up, and parts of the city drift hundreds of miles into the Atlantic. It is believed one part of Qptqqtl is now a suburb of Boston.

7. Greenland’s main exports are ice cubes, huskies and parts of Qptqqtl.

Rut-Rohh.8. The Greenland national anthem, Qppt! Qlt! (roughly translated as Fuck Me, It’s Cold) goes like this:

Oh, the endless piles of snow
It’s the iceberg we call home.
We have everything we need
Except free whores, sun and weed.

We’d love to move to other lands
With their palm trees, sun and sand
We’d rather suck a husky’s cock
Than be men of Greenland stock.

It must bring a tear to every Greenlander’s eye.

9. Christmas day can be traumatic for Greenland’s gadget lovers. Because there are no trees on Greenland, locals have to put their presents under a large pile of snow. Great if you’ve asked Santa for a box of frozen prawns, not so good if you requested a Playstation.

10. With the onset of global warming, Greenland may disappear completely within 20 years. Oh well.

I’d love to donate to the campaign to “Bring tomorrow to yesterday’s Greenland today”, but to be honest I can’t be arsed. Good luck Chelle!

Support the cuase! Save Greenland! From something or other.

Show your support for Greenland by clicking the happy face at Humor-Blogs.com!


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Travel Writing At Home

Go Away

Travel guides – fact or fiction? I once tried to check into a Greek hotel recommended by my travel guide as a “low-cost yet atmospheric guesthouse”. The fact that it was demolished in 1986 apparently didn’t detract from its charm. A writer for Lonely Planet has now admitted that he didn’t actually visit the country he wrote about. Travel writing from home can’t be that difficult. For instance I’ve never been to Norway, but I’m sure I can get the gist of the place if I have a look on Google Earth…

 

Welcome to Norway - A Crime Watch Community

Tiggy’s Lowly Plannit Guide to Norway

All About Norway
The name Norway derives from the Old Norse word Noreeg, which means Norway. Around 4000 Norwegians live there, all of whom are redheads (apart from an African gentleman called Derek). Norway’s topography is several hundred years old and consists of snow, rocks, grass and sky. Indigenous wildlife includes hamsters, penguins, unicorns and Norway’s national symbol, the Gummiwormig, or fruity tree grub.

Interesting Facts About Norway
Norway is a land of lakes and the ground is permanently under 1ft of water. Rubber boots should be worn at all times. Dress like a local and buy a pair of dentalvlossing, traditional waterproof socks made from woven grass and hamsters.

Norway’s capital city is Oslo, which despite being waterlogged has more outdoor cafes than any city in the world. In fact, all cafes and shops are outside due to an 1857 law banning the indoors. Unfortunately alcohol is also banned in Norway, so ask the waiter for a glass of Longsnot, a traditional brew of honey, grass and hamsters.

Mmmm, fresh snaeshite cake!

Things To Do In Oslo
Take a stroll down Oslo’s main street, Mainstreetoslo St, and pop into (or rather out to) one of the numerous local bakeries. Try a snaeshite, a traditional cake made from snow, grass and unicorn tears. Delicious.

Stay at the popular budget hotel Greasibrotelflop Haus, just off the main street. Costing only 100 Norwegian pesos a night, price includes breakfast and a complimentary massage by lovely redheaded hostess Bjorkga Sukkoksson…

 

…You know, this travel writing is a piece of snaeshite. I’m sure no-one goes to Norway anyway, so I’m going to submit this to Lonely Planet and wait for the cheque to arrive. Next stop, Vladivostok…


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