Tag: scams

Cheap Cialis

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The Hard Sell

What is it with comment spammers? Every day I find a gazillion messages in my blog comment box like “I love yur blog! Cheap Cialis!”, “I think that is very interesting point but whorecum CHEAP VIAGRA Britney naked,” or “Tiggy, if you contact me again I’m calling the cops, I mean it.” Goddam spammers.

Anyway, all this spam got me thinking. There must be a reason my blog is constantly targeted by these erectile dysfunction pill pushers. Do they know something about my readership I don’t? Am I missing a marketing opportunity myself? Fortunately, my mate Sparky knows someone who knows someone who works in a lab…

*Cue sappy music*

Gentlemen! Is your little buddy letting you down? Is your once-mighty porker softer than a sausage in a sweat box? Does your wife seem to be buying more cucumbers these days?

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* I used to be a laughing stock in the bedroom. With COCKANOL®, I’m no longer a pathetic Jizz Jester, but King of the Cocks!

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* It won’t go down. Please make it stop.

Side-effects include hiccups, uncomfortable pants, and restraining orders. For erections lasting over three weeks, rub affected area with COCKSTOP ® gel and contact Tiggy Labs immediately. I’ll be right over.


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The Lotus Position – A Fairly Story

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4-6 buddha

My mate Sparky was delighted to hear his crabby old Aunt had died and left him a parcel of land in the valley. His happiness was soon extinguished after visiting his new estate. The land was wild and rocky; an old wooden barn stood decaying in one corner. The land was worthless. Sparky urgently needed to make some cash to pay his court fines. Short of striking oil, how could he turn his wasteland into a goldmine?

4-6 buddha handSparky had an idea. After being ripped off at a dodgy hypnotism course at the local community centre, he realized there was money to be made from naive idiots trying to discover a higher level of consciousness. And in a way that didn’t involve weed.

What better way to part the gullible from their cash than a meditation centre? Instead of a costly trip to the Far East in search of enlightenment, overpaid yuppies could flock to Sparky’s barn, sorry, spiritual learning retreat and sit uncomfortably in the lotus position all weekend.

Sparky was confident he could learn the art of meditation by channeling the infinite wisdom of Google. Super Dave and I were instructed to spruce up the barn to make it look Far Eastern and, well, spiritual. Obviously with me being female, Sparky reckoned, I’d know about curtains and candles and that sort of thing. Thanks, Sparky.

4-6 shipping containersSuper Dave headed to the docks in his truck. The port was in lock-down after a shipment from China had sparked a formaldehyde alert. Containers filled with cheap soft furnishings from Shanghai were stacked by the dockside – no-one would open them until the fumes inside had dissipated. Unfazed by the risk of noxious chemicals, Super Dave set to work with a pair of bolt cutters.

Super Dave arrived back at the barn light-headed but elated. His truck was brimming with Oriental carpets, fairy lights and plastic Buddha statues. The barn was soon transformed into a twinkling haven of peace and cheap incense. I wondered if Sparky’s plan was actually going to work this time. However, common sense told me to get out while I could, so I wished the gurus good luck and sped home.

****

4-6 barn burnA month later I received a whispered message from Sparky on my answer machine. He said the meditation centre had been doing a roaring trade until a group of architecture students on a weekend retreat smoked too much herb, fell into the candlelit Buddha shrine and knocked it flying.

The old wooden barn had shot up in flames like a Chinese firework, sending young architects fleeing and the stench of formaldehyde-tainted carpets billowing into the air. Worse still, the smoke was infused with the aroma of eight kilos of burning weed.

As the smell wafted towards the local police station, Sparky and Super Dave had fled. They were now hiding in an empty container at the docks.

I haven’t heard from Sparky again. Either the formaldehyde finished him off, or he and poor Super Dave are halfway to Shanghai.


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This Is A Bust! Fake Porn Inspectors and Other Stupid Scams

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Breaking news from CBC:

Halt! It's the Special Sausage Squad!“LONGMONT, Colo.
Authorities in Colorado say a man claiming to be a police detective asked an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren’t underage.

Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont, Colo.. police “age verification unit.”
Longmont police Cmdr. Tim Lewis says there is no such unit.”

This story got me thinking, First of all, has this smut-starved scammer never heard of the internet? Secondly, how many fake inspectors are out there, fooling gullible shopkeepers and making a mockery of the law? I wonder what other career opportunities are available for fake inspectors.

These scams could just work… but probably won’t. Don’t try these at the store.

Government Cocktail Standards Inspector – During a Friday evening spot check, bar staff would be put through their paces to ensure correct measures are being used and mojitos contain federally-approved quantities of mint. It’s in the drinking public’s interest! Now give me a White Russian or I’m shutting the place down.

Free din-dins for Fido!Dog’s Dinner Inspector – If you can’t afford your faithful hound’s pet food, simply dress him up in snazzy police dog garb and head down to LolPets R Us with a warrant to search for poisonous fake dog food! Send Fido on a mission to selflessly test as many bags of Chick’n Chow and meaty bones he can snuffle out. Good boy! If you only have a hamster or goldfish, this scam could be tricky.

Special Sausage Squad – Avert a public health disaster on sunny weekend afternoons by seizing “defective” meat products from your local store. Heroically swipe tainted steaks and BBQ sausages before they are consumed by innocent partygoers! Rush them back to the Police HQ Forensic Lab (conveniently located on your garden patio) for immediate basting, I mean testing.

Let's shop!Nuclear Contamination Inspector – Left shopping for your kids’ Christmas presents to the last minute? Disperse those gift-grabbing shoppers and make sure you get that Transformo-Zomboid or Teeny Slut doll! Simply issue a warrant to search the toy store for weapons grade uranium. Of course that’s where Saddam was hiding his weapons of mass destruction – he was sneaky that way!

Infectious Disease Inspector – Eww! Don’t want to touch that gym equipment after those sweaty musclemen have been perspiring all over it? Simply present your fake inspector’s card and declare that a patient from the Gross Tropical Diseases Clinic has collapsed on the treadmill – looks like contagious Nantucket Jungle Fever! The whole gym will have to be scrubbed down with disinfectant. And the young ladies in the yoga class will have to remove their clothing for incineration. Immediately.

Store clerks – be on your guard for fake inspectors and pretend police! The next time an inspector in a white radiation protection suit or armed SWAT team burst through the door, simply ask them to leave! They’re probably only after free cakes or something. And those guys with the pretend cop cars and guns demanding you “put down the beer and pull over to the kerb…” yeah, right…

The Age Verification Unit is recruiting over at Humor-Blogs.com


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