Tag: porn

Infected! Vicious Computer Viruses

A long night of frustration, swearing and crying awaits.

I should have spent my weekend sitting in a hot tub getting drunk with naked men. Instead I spent it in front of my computer trying to remove a dastardly computer virus. I knew that Winner Notification e-mail from the Greenland Lottery Board was too good to be true.

What will those horrible hackers and malware madmen unleash next? I predict the following viruses will be crawling around your motherboard soon. Follow my handy antivirus tips to avoid total computer meltdown!

LOLworminfects your photo gallery and inserts improper comments on your treasured family photos.

Ur cumpooter, I haz fukkt it.

The damage from this virus is hard to erase unless you are a Photoshop genius. To avoid embarrassment, simply cut yourself off from family and friends.

DimSumDiallerCalls up your local Chinese take-out and orders $127 worth of egg rolls and pork dumplings.

A virus that orders take-out on your behalf could be beneficial, particularly if you are so addicted to the internet you have trouble leaving your computer. Hungry hackers are currently working on Taco Bell Trojan to create more culinary variety.

Pork SpamInserts random meat-related words into your e-mails as you type.

There is no way to delete this pesky virus, so you’re going to have to roll with it. Or is that sausage roll with it? You will somehow have to integrate meaty musings into your infected messages:

Spam spam spam spam spamity spam.

Your co-workers may think you’re on drugs. Just tell them you’re on drugs, it’s a lot easier.

eBay Yard SaleAutomatically lists the entire contents of your house on the popular auction site.

You won’t know this virus has hit until people start knocking on your door demanding your television, lawnmower and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD collection.
Look on the bright side, it’s a great way of getting rid of your useless junk. Do you really need that refrigerator?

PowerPornInserts random pornographic slides into your important corporate presentation.

Embarrassing picture suddenly appeared in your PowerPoint presentation? Don’t worry. No-one’s paying the slightest bit of attention to your dreary meeting. Those bondage domination pictures will be barely noticed, unless the guy in that rubber suit is your boss.

Spank me! Hurt me! Sir.

Cum On Feel The NoizeOverrides the ‘Mute’ setting on your computer while watching internet porn at work.

Silent sex show suddenly blaring at full volume? Mask erotic moans blasting from your computer by screaming even louder than those dirty porn stars. Wail loudly that a rabid raccoon is biting your leg. This will clear the office in seconds and save you from further blushes.

Plane Crazy – Transfers Air Traffic Control duties from the local airport to your laptop.

If you see this screen, don’t panic.

Like Flight Simulator, only with unfortunate consequences if you fail.

Think of it as the ultimate video game – simply stop the little planes from crashing into each other! Take a deep breath. Extinguish your joint and put down your beer. The fate of thousands of passengers and crew are in your hands.
Bet you regret not updating your antivirus now.

Oh DeerYour computer emits a low-frequency hum mimicking nubile does on heat.

Herds of aroused stags will appear in your garden, fighting, pooping and attempting to ruck their way through your front door. If you have a shotgun and a large barbeque, you’re in luck. If not, be prepared for a long night of deer sex.

If you stumbled across this post by Googling ‘deer sex’ I assume you either live in New Brunswick, or my nightmare virus predictions have already come true.
Log off, shut down and lube up.


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Tiggy’s Energy Crisis Top Tips

Oil prices - they can't go any higher!Global oil prices have rocketed, food is now a luxury and we’re all going to freeze to death this winter. Fortunately, I’ve been giving this some thought and come up with some energy saving tips to help you through these dark days of global crisis and misery. You’ll help save the environment, but more importantly you’ll have extra money to spend on essentials like cake and video games.

– Save on outrageous heating bills by installing a herd of cows in your basement. The warmth created by their bulky bodies and frequent urination will fill the house with radiant heat and also provide you with a source of free cream and leather goods.

I knew that hot tub would be useful for something.– Install a hot tub. This may not sound very green, but you can utilize its soothing bubbles to wash dishes, dirty clothes and bathe the whole family – all at the same time! You can probably buy eco-friendly hot tubs with solar panels and wind turbines or something.

– In the event of vicious global conflicts over precious resources, simply turn your trusty hot tub upside down and cover with camouflage netting to create your own ‘wartime spirit’ Anderson bomb shelter. Don’t forget your stockpile of Spam!

– Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!

Facebook - here's one I made earlier.

– Can’t afford food? Simply seek out free fodder by following the masters of the free lunch – rats. Join them for a feast of leftover pizza, filet-o-fish burgers and cigarette butts at their favourite dumpster. The local duck pond is also a good source for bread and home-baked goodies.

Old people. Dontcha love em?

– Hypermile. Elderly drivers have been using this gas saving technique for years. Simply drive everywhere at 20mph and slipstream by driving 5 inches behind the car in front. Turn off your engine at every intersection and red traffic light.

With the money saved by hypermiling, you too can afford to buy a huge motor home and drive it very slowly around Florida

– Conserve water by flushing the toilet less – leave the bathroom only after completing all necessary functions for the day (including bladder, solid waste and any other desired expulsions). It may take a while, but just remember you’re also helping to save dolphins or whatever. Better still, wait until you are at work to perform your morning ablutions – it may not save water but it won’t be on your utility bill.

You could save even more money by not going to work at all. You can now spend your days in the hot tub eating discarded fish burgers and recreating internet porn. Although the drop in income means you cannot pay your electricity bill, look on the bright side – you couldn’t afford it when you had a job so you’ve lost nothing. Happy days!

Clicking on the Humor-Blogs.com link helps save a whale. Maybe.


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Addicted to the Internet? Cure it… with Another Addiction!

Internet addicts: Does this scene look familiar?The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.

But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.

Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.

Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.

Another of God's lost flock.Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.

Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.

Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.

Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?

Awww! Ahhhhh! Ooooooh!Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.

I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.

Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.

If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.

I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.

 

They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com


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This Is A Bust! Fake Porn Inspectors and Other Stupid Scams

Breaking news from CBC:

Halt! It's the Special Sausage Squad!“LONGMONT, Colo.
Authorities in Colorado say a man claiming to be a police detective asked an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren’t underage.

Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont, Colo.. police “age verification unit.”
Longmont police Cmdr. Tim Lewis says there is no such unit.”

This story got me thinking, First of all, has this smut-starved scammer never heard of the internet? Secondly, how many fake inspectors are out there, fooling gullible shopkeepers and making a mockery of the law? I wonder what other career opportunities are available for fake inspectors.

These scams could just work… but probably won’t. Don’t try these at the store.

Government Cocktail Standards Inspector – During a Friday evening spot check, bar staff would be put through their paces to ensure correct measures are being used and mojitos contain federally-approved quantities of mint. It’s in the drinking public’s interest! Now give me a White Russian or I’m shutting the place down.

Free din-dins for Fido!Dog’s Dinner Inspector – If you can’t afford your faithful hound’s pet food, simply dress him up in snazzy police dog garb and head down to LolPets R Us with a warrant to search for poisonous fake dog food! Send Fido on a mission to selflessly test as many bags of Chick’n Chow and meaty bones he can snuffle out. Good boy! If you only have a hamster or goldfish, this scam could be tricky.

Special Sausage Squad – Avert a public health disaster on sunny weekend afternoons by seizing “defective” meat products from your local store. Heroically swipe tainted steaks and BBQ sausages before they are consumed by innocent partygoers! Rush them back to the Police HQ Forensic Lab (conveniently located on your garden patio) for immediate basting, I mean testing.

Let's shop!Nuclear Contamination Inspector – Left shopping for your kids’ Christmas presents to the last minute? Disperse those gift-grabbing shoppers and make sure you get that Transformo-Zomboid or Teeny Slut doll! Simply issue a warrant to search the toy store for weapons grade uranium. Of course that’s where Saddam was hiding his weapons of mass destruction – he was sneaky that way!

Infectious Disease Inspector – Eww! Don’t want to touch that gym equipment after those sweaty musclemen have been perspiring all over it? Simply present your fake inspector’s card and declare that a patient from the Gross Tropical Diseases Clinic has collapsed on the treadmill – looks like contagious Nantucket Jungle Fever! The whole gym will have to be scrubbed down with disinfectant. And the young ladies in the yoga class will have to remove their clothing for incineration. Immediately.

Store clerks – be on your guard for fake inspectors and pretend police! The next time an inspector in a white radiation protection suit or armed SWAT team burst through the door, simply ask them to leave! They’re probably only after free cakes or something. And those guys with the pretend cop cars and guns demanding you “put down the beer and pull over to the kerb…” yeah, right…

The Age Verification Unit is recruiting over at Humor-Blogs.com


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