Tag: old

Beach Bummers

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Bitchin' about the beach.

While relaxing on the beach during your vacation, do you notice:

– The people with the highest fat density wear the least amount of clothes?

– Hot-looking beach babes always sit next to you when you have water retention?

– Pasty redheads on sun loungers seem to think they can outsmart solar rays?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you didn’t flush?

– Savage hungry seagulls can hear an ice cream being unwrapped from five miles away?

– All children under seven appear to be on speed?

– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to a giant ant colony?

Go away! Go away!– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have bikini-line shaving rash?

– You find sand up your bum even if you’re sitting on a shingle beach?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you had some really bad oysters the night before?

– Fat old women with enormous flabby thighs just can’t stop bending down and picking up shells in front of you?

– Metal detector operators combing the shoreline always look poor?

– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have a hangover that would break Keith Richard?

– When you kick a kid’s sandcastle, their father is always 200lbs larger than you?

– The more wrinkly the man, the tighter the Speedos?

– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to an overfriendly drunk hobo called Captain Billy?

– Redhead sunbathers seem to think the best cure for agonizing sunburn is more sunbathing?

– Despite storing them in an airtight box, the main ingredient of your sandwiches is sand? Or ants?

– Women who sunbathe with their legs wide open are usually over 70?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you was Captain Billy?

Beaches are hell. Stay home!


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People I Don’t Want To Meet

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Deadly ninjas on a coach trip?

Here’s some people I don’t want to meet.

1. An enthusiastic undertaker

2. A swimming instructor with two penises

3. Twins who are married to each other

4. A taxi driver with bite marks on his cheeks

5. A sad weatherman

6. A party of Japanese tourists capable of killing

7. A telesales caller who just keeps repeating “Help me…”

8. A man wearing track pants that smell of cheese

9. An armed robber with a catchphrase

10. A blind TV chef

11. A bubbly anorexic

12. A vegan survival camp instructor

13. A sweaty flight attendant

14. An elderly man with a wire sticking out of his skull

15. Women who buy perfume because they liked the TV ad

16. A vegan Eskimo

17. A serial killer with a heart of gold

18. A mailman wearing make-up

19. An airline pilot with a lucky mascot

20. A grotesquely obese woman licking a pickle


Who don’t you want to meet?


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Hope I Die After I Get Old

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That's the spirit!I’m looking forward to being old. Life so far has not been as exciting as I hoped. I was too weird to have enjoyed a flirtatious carefree youth and I’m spending most my adult life sitting in traffic queues and being thrown out of cocktail bars. I’ve decided my twilight years are going to be the best of my (fast diminishing) life. I’ve only got 50 years to wait! Well, 45. All right, maybe closer to 40. Bugger.

I hope my family dumps me at the doorstep of the local seniors’ home the day I reach admission age. Senior homes may be like prisons with flowery curtains, but think of the benefits! Three square meals a day, lots of TV to watch and uniformed helpers to cater to your every need.

I imagine by the time I’m old they will have senior homes in space – Heaven’s waiting room in the heavens. Being weightless will help us old folk move around easily and I’m sure the boffins will have invented some sort of magic space lemonade to keep us fit and regular.

Me and my old-timer chums can float around the TV lounge all day watching remastered 3D holographic movies from the old days. We’ll hovver around sucking Werther’s Original Magic Mushrooms (drugs will of course be legal by then) and watch classics like SAW IIV and Debbie Does Denmark.

Hopefully boffins will have invented an interactive virtual reality pod too. We can indulge our fantasies and have some senior sexy time with holographic stars. Oohh virtual George Clooney, just wait until I get out of this prosthetic brace and we’ll have some fun!

Tiggy in 100 years. I hope.Pumped up on magic space lemonade and as many Werthers Originals we can get our wrinkly hands on, life will be one big senior home house party (at least until bedtime at 7pm).

Old Mr. Jay-Z Johnson in his pimped out wheelchair can provide entertainment with ditties from the good old days. “Oh, ma bitch! Ma Ho! Shake ur Ass, bitch!” he will croak as his blinging gold false teeth rattle inside his bony head.

Maybe devilish geriatrics Mr. Rose and Mr. Slash will wake from their afternoon naps and treat us to some old-fashioned guitar shredding and arthritic-foot-tapping rock tunes. As long as they keep the noise down.

We have nothing to fear from old age! It’s going to be a fogey-fest of liquid meals, happy pills and moaning about how today’s youth don’t know they’re born, the old days were much better. First one to the stair lift gets a go with Virtual George!


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