Tag: office

Cubicle Wars

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Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


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The Dreaded Office Greetings Card

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Greetings cards - say what you mean.You’re sat at your office desk, minding your business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.

Stuck for something to write? Here’s a few ideas.

Get well soon! Honest!

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You're Leaving? Oh, boo frikkin' hoo.

Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

A baby! Ewww.

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.

Congratulations! What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.

Every salesman's wet dream.

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John

Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)


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Look Busy, The Boss Is Watching

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Are you stressed out, under pressure and short of time at work? Or are there days when your ‘In’ tray stays empty and the hours drag on until home time?

You’re not being lazy – there is nothing to do. Not even dull stuff. How can you look busy and avoid being labelled a slacker by your boss? I’ve come up with a few tips to help you waste time while looking productive.

A full desk is a busy desk

Paper Mountains – The must-have desk accessory for those toil-free days. Scatter files, letters and other meaningless junk across your desk. Make your own paper mountains by rescuing items from the recycle bin or photocopying old reports. Shuffle, staple and hole-punch these paper props whenever the boss walks by.

Internet – The timewaster’s best friend. If co-workers can see your monitor, hide your browser behind an Excel spreadsheet so you can toggle between the two to avoid suspicion. Look slightly pained as you surf – you are not poking your friend on Facebook, you are working out a very complicated equation.

Phone Calls – Mask personal calls as business conversations. Tell your friends to ask questions you can only answer with a yes or no. Using your best business voice, respond “Yes…yes. No.” in a professional manner, throwing in random comments about sales figures. You can chat away to your buddies and look productive at the same time.

Write A Novel – Always keep a notebook on your desk. Look busy by writing stories, shopping lists and badly composed haikus. What the hell do you think I’m doing now?

Locate your nearest exitHave a Stroll – Don’t wander about aimlessly, but take a random document from your paper mountain and march around the office pretending to look for someone. Make sure they’re out – you don’t want to run into them and have to explain why you’re bringing them a stationary invoice from 1987. If your workplace is expansive you can walk around for hours. If not, have a walk around the company next door.

Caffeine – Waste valuable time at the coffee machine as you ponder the brew selections and stuff sugar packets into your pockets. Work in several trips to the water cooler and you’re well on your way to 5pm. Think of the extra time you’ll waste rushing to the washroom after all that fluid.

Meetings – Use these communal time wasting sessions to your advantage. Arrive early and scribble furiously in your notebook during the meeting (obviously you will be writing your novel, not taking notes). Ask the speaker lots of questions at the end to avoid returning to your desk – you’re doing them a favour by wasting their time too.

Desk Games – Who has the stupidest name in the phone book? How many paperclips can you stack? If you take your mouse apart, will it work when you put it back together?Stop being a quitter

Start Smoking – How come nicotine addicts can slope off and indulge their habit whenever they like? If drinkers and stoners were afforded the same privilege, time wasting would be much easier (and hazier). If you don’t want to start smoking, just go outside anyway and tell your fellow smokers you’re on the patch but can’t shake the smoke break ritual.

Get Another Job – If you spend every day making paperclip towers, wandering the corridors looking for invisible people and hiding in the washroom, it’s time to quit. Your employers are wasting your valuable time.

Life is too short to be doing a non-job, unless you really enjoy spending your day doing nothing useful. In which case you should have followed your parents’ advice and become a lawyer.


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