Tiggy, Movie Star – The Performance
Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too. Read all about her preparation in Part 1.
Part 2 – Performance
There must have been something wrong with that mineral water I had flown in from the French Alps. A few days before shooting, disaster happened.
NASA scientists were just about to hold a press conference announcing they’d discovered an amazing red giant star, but then realized they’d been pointing their telescope at the HUGE FUCKING RED LUMP on my face. Noooo!
Three tubes of ointment and several panic attacks later, the crimson globe subsided. Phew.
A phone call from the casting office brought the next disaster. My call-up time (that’s showbiz speak for “Be on set looking good, or else”) was 5:30… in the morning. I had no idea such a time existed.
That night I woke up at midnight, 2am and 3am. I was too terrified to sleep. By the time I got up, I looked like I’d spent the night being beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. If this movie required a zombie character, my luck was in.
I groggily attempted to apply my makeup (and we know how ineffective that is) but to no avail. I decided that until I woke up, I would stand as far away as I could from the camera. Like in another building or something.
So there I was on set at the crack of dawn, grumpy and blotchy. The cast and crew fiddled with cables and checked their scripts. The shiny camera lens glinted menacingly at me from the gloom. I don’t like having my picture taken at the best of times, so what the hell was I doing here?
Before I had a chance to flee, a production assistant grabbed me and waved me towards the set. It was time for my performance! Oh bugger.
My big scene took place in a smart office building. I was told to look busy and do something very businesslike and important. This was going to take every last drop of my acting skills. I wished I’d taken more notice of my drama teacher at school. Shouldn’t I have lurked around offices shadowing important executives in preparation for my role? What was my motivation? When was lunch? I felt my makeup begin to dribble down my perspiring face. Oh bugger. But I couldn’t let the director down!
“Cameras… Take 1… Rolling… BACKGROUND!”
That was my cue. I wobbled awkwardly towards the camera, trying not to trip over the lead actor as he swept across my path. I fumbled and clattered and sweated my way through the scene.
“CUT!” shouted the director. Hurrah! I’d done it! I had acted in a movie! Can I go home now?
“Take 2…. Rolling…”
Again? That take was perfect! Oh well, maybe one more time…
“Cut! Reset! Take 3…”
Time passed.
“Take 19… Rolling… BACKGROUND!“
By now I was really getting into the swing of things. I don’t know if it was due to severe dehydration or overconfidence, but as I got to know my character during those long hours of filming, I began to understand her.
She wasn’t just some office nobody. I decided she was worth more than that, so I promoted her to Assistant Manager. I think I would call her Princess. I’m not sure why, but the set lights were making me feel rather dizzy.
Princess was a high-powered executive who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. She had just signed a multi-million-dollar deal with MegaCorp Holdings and was on her way to bust some balls in the Boardroom.
But not before she’d flirted with that hunky security guard across the corridor. And now she was going to file this paperwork in a really foxy manner. Oh yeahh….
“CUT! Erm, could the girl with the red hair please go to makeup? You seem to have carbon copy ink all over your face.”
Oh bugger.
Anyway, I’m not allowed to reveal the movie plot, so I won’t tell you all about the next scenes where I battled a terrifying invasion of mutant starlings, filmed a steamy washroom scene with the hunky security guard and was then beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. The action never stopped. This movie is going to be a sure-fire hit!
So when the movie hits your local theatre, look out for a pasty ginger girl falling over a filing cabinet. That’s Tiggy!
Thanks to Mike Clattenburg and the boys for letting me stumble around their movie set for the weekend. (I’m sure you can edit those bits out later).
There’s a star-studded lineup of Drama Queens over at Humor-Blogs.com
· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.
· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.
