Meat Beat – Gone Fishin’
Hey there meat maniacs, it’s time for another Meat Beat!
Bob: Welcome to another edition of Meat Beat! Today, we’re not in the woods at all. Or even at the zoo. Can you guess where we’re hunting today? But I warn you, Monty’s feeling a little rough, aren’t you sir?
Monty: Holy ham no, I’m fine there, boy. Jus’ gettin’ used to the ole sea legs. And sea guts.
Bob: That’s right folks, today’s Meat Beat is coming to you from a small fishing boat in the Atlantic ocean! Having conquered the land, Monty has decided to become King of the Cod, Master of Mackerel, Sultan of Snap…
Monty: Yeah that’s enough, quit yer yappin’. Now I’ll be tha first to admit I don’t know gizzardy-spit about fishin’. If I ain’t zippin’ a bullet thru some critter’s guts it ain’t worth ma time. But Bobby here thought it might do me some good to get some fresh sea air. Dunno why, nothing wrong with that musty forest smell. Like a man should smell Bobby. Not like an ol’ halibut, like ma wife when she’s….
Bob: Anyway Monty, that’s probably enough background to our trip. So, the first thing we have to do if we want a tasty fish supper is to bait our rods! For that, I bought a big bucket of what anglers call ‘chum’. It’s around here somewhere. Have you seen the bucket, Monty?
Monty: Ya mean the lunch bucket?
Bob: No Monty, our lunch is in the cooler. I’m talking about the white bucket.
Monty: You mean tha white lunch bucket?
Bob: There isn’t a white lunch bucket, Monty.
Monty: Yeah they is, the white bucket with the lunch! What I ate.
Bob: Oh my God Monty, that was bits of old squid and fish guts! I packed ham sandwiches for lunch.
Monty: Ham sammiches? Jeez Bob, ya ain’t gonna steel ya belly for the sea with piddy-biddy lady foods! Them squids was real nice. Kinda maggoty, but it’s OK they full of protein and all good stuff.
Bob: Good grief… OK, well I guess we’ll use the sandwiches instead. I hope the fish don’t expect me to cut the crusts off though Monty, eh? Haha, imagine if fish didn’t like crusts!
Monty: Bob, ya talkin’ bullbob again. I’ve heard the tha sea can make ya mad. Like that pirate ship that went all gay.
Bob: I don’t think that happened Monty. Anyway, I’ve attached the sandwiches to the line, and – woah – there it goes! We have now officially cast our Meat Beat rods into the briny! Now we wait.
*** time passes***
Bob: Well folks, it’s been four hours now, and not a single bite. We saw a dolphin though!
Monty: Yeah, but ya wouldn’t let me shoot it, would ya Bob!
Bob: Monty, how did you get that gun onboard? You were told by the nice boat rental man you can’t shoot fish. And we’re not going to get stormed by a gay pirate boat.
Monty: Dammit, that dolphin coulda cooked up real nice with bit a tabasco and pepper. Dolphins should be for eatins, not doin’ that namby-pamby Sea World stuff jumpin’ through hoops and makin’ splashies for the kiddies. Putta dollop a ketchup on a nice juicy dolphin steak and them kiddies will be chewin’ away at it like they having they best day out ever.
*** more time passes ***
Bob: Oh dear, it looks like we won’t be getting our fish feast as planned. Or even a dolphin burger! I’m kind of regretting we didn’t go for that option now. We’ve got no food and the weather is getting a little rough out here.
Monty: Holy hell Bob, I ain’t feelin’ so good. This boat is dancin’ around like a rabbit in a bonfire, and I ain’t had so much as a lick of blood all day. How you get this damn thing to drive home?
Bob: Well Monty, the boat rental man did explain it, but it’s getting dark and I can’t quite read the controls…
Monty: Well figger it out quick Bobby, I’m about a put them squids right back into the bucket they came from, and they won’t look so good second time about.
Bob: Oh for God’s sake Monty, just throw up over the side of the boat, and… Oh Monty, NO. No not in the cabin… OH NO Monty, that’s my cellphone… MONTY NO IT’S IN MY HAIR OH GOD
Sorry about this folks, hopefully Monty and Bob will get back to terra firma soon and do what they do best – shoot the shit out of our furry forest friends! See ya next time and don’t forget what Monty says – I TOLD YA MEAT IS USEFUL!
3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!
