Tag: food

Meat Beat’s Sizzling Barbecue Guide

There's some hot meat cookin' tonight!

Hey there meat maniacs, it’s time for another Meat Beat!

Bob: Hi, Tiggy fans! Bob Nutter here, assistant to the High Priest of Ham himself, Monty O’Drizzle. Sadly, Monty can’t join us this month; he had a bit of an accident involving a steak sandwich and a tub of glue. Probably best not to ask questions at this point. Instead, Monty’s brother, Mike O’Drizzle, is here to share his extensive meat knowledge!

Mike: Hello there, boys! And hi to the little ladies too, I guess. You’re lookin’ mighty fine today, Bob! That shirt sets off them muscles of yours mighty nice.

Bob: Erm, thanks. Mike, now summer is here, it’s time to think about buying a new barbecue. I’m hoping to have a party this weekend, get some hunting buddies together on my deck, and fire up some hunks of fresh meat.

Mike: Bob, there’s nothin’ finer than firin’ up a few hunks. Of fresh meat, I mean! Can I come to yous party?

Bob: Of course, Mike! But be warned, my buddies have lots of stamina and party pretty hard, it will be a long hot night!

Mike: Sounds like a party that’s right up my alley, fer sure!

Bob: Yeah, anyway Mike, about this barbecue …

Mike: Bob, bein’ a huge meat fan, I was happy to do some research for y’all, and conduct a thorough test of the top barbeques out there. So I went down to my local Home and Garden centre to check out some best buys.

Bob: That’s great Mike, very kind of you. So what did you find out?

Mike: Well Bob, I was assisted by a nice young guy called Dan, who is a barbecue expert at the store. He was mighty enthusiastic about sharin’ his expertise with ole Mike.

Bob: OK, shout out to young Dan there! Honestly Mike, is it just me, or are these in-store experts getting younger these days?

Check out the grill!Mike: I know what yer sayin’ Bob; I’d say young Dan was only in his early twenties! And about 180lb, six foot tall, dark brown eyes, looked like he worked out, I’d say.

Bob: OK Mike, I think that was probably more information than we needed. Anyway, I guess you and Dan had a fine old time in the barbecue department, prodding and poking, and exploring all the options?

Mike: Fer sure, Bob! I ran my hands over all the parts, we tested the knobs for sturdiness, and then we got a bit of meat goin’ on there.

Bob: So Mike, from your research, what model barbecue would you recommend to our readers out there?

Mike: Barbecue? Oh, I don’t really know there Bob, me and Dan were havin’ too much of a good time to look at barbecues. I guess any of them would be fine.

Bob: OK Mike, thanks for that barbecue test. I’m sure Tiggyblog readers will be rushing to the Home and Garden store right now to get some advice. And thanks to Dan for giving a helping hand.

Mike: Oh, you got that right, Bob! I’m goin’ back to the store tomorrow to test the power drills.

Bob: Mike, once again that was too much information. Anyway, I’m looking forward to having a great time grilling steaks on my new barbecue this weekend!

Mike: And I’m lookin’ forward to comin’ to the party, fer sure! And if any of you male readers out there are chefs or have meat handlin’ skills, be sure to give ole Mike O’Drizzle a call, and send a photo if you have one, as I’ll be lookin’ for some guys to help me out at the barbecue. Ain’t that right, Bobby?

Bob: Oh Christ. Anyway Tiggy fans, let’s all pray Monty is back in one piece for next month’s Meat Beat. Keep on cookin’!


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The Internet Never Lies: Tummy Rumbles

Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle. Roar.

The other day, my tummy started making noises. It rumbled. It made a horrible, gargling noise that sounded like a dwarf being flushed down a toilet. I assumed I must be hungry, but no amount of potato chips or beer seemed to pacify my gurgling gut.

I decided to scour the Internet for information on my minor, if irritating, condition. It was probably just gas, or too much beer, or that moldy bean burrito I should have thrown away but ate after I’d scraped the green stuff off.

I trawled cyberspace for medical blogs, message boards, and self-diagnosis forums. According to my online diagnosis, my symptoms pointed to one obvious condition. It wasn’t caused by green burritos. Or eating the wrong flavour potato chips. Or consuming vast quantities of alcohol. No, that grumbling sound was the terrifying roar of GUT WORMS. Hungry, angry, 6ft-long bowel beasts. No question about it.

According to my Internet research, we are all at risk, as gut worms are very easy to catch – you can pick them up by touching an infected person, sharing a cab, or attending a KISS concert. In fact, everyone’s insides are probably crawling with huge, squirming parasites that are slowly eating our brains and sucking the very life out of our bodies.

So, next time you hear that familiar growl deep inside your belly, you’ll know what it is. It’s a very hungry gutapillar. Throw it a donut and it won’t eat your brain.

It’s true! It said so on the Internet.


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Tofu and Other Stuff We Don’t Thinks Right

Meat! Meat! Meat!

It’s time for another Meat Beat with the Prince of Pork, Monty O’Drizzle!

Monty: Howdy, Tiggy fans! Now, me and Bobby don’t wanna get all riled up about other people’s eatins’. We know a lot of the internet folk and Tiggyblog fans are them homosexual liberal vegan types, and we respect that, hey? Jus’ don’t start invitin’ us to your parties or nuthin’, no offense. And the more vegans they is, the more meat fer us! Kinda works out, hey?

But I would like to talk to yous about foods that are just not right, see? They just ain’t men’s food. I mean, you ladies can eat them jus’ fine, and we know better than to tell you little ladies what to do, hey Bob?

Bob: Yes Monty, sometimes ladies take us the wrong way, don’t they? Like the nice lady you took out for dinner, but she didn’t realize she’d have to gut the main course herself.

Monty: Holy heck, all that cryin’ and screamin’ sure put me off a lady’s company, fer sure! Anyway Bobby, about this nasty food stuff we warnin’ the nice people about. This is our list of foods you shouldn’t be puttin’ in yer mouth.

Sushi - them's lady food!1. SUSHI
Bob: Monty and I don’t have anything against fish, of course! There’s nothing better than spearing a salmon or wrestling a swordfish for the grill. But we both agree that sushi is just… well…

Monty: Lady food, Bob, that’s what I’m sayin’! It’s all pretty colours and all itty bitty. And they want you to eat it with lil sticks! What the hell is that about? Them crazy Chinese.

Bob: Monty, the Japanese have a long history of sushi-making, it’s a very delicate art.

Monty: Art, Bobby-boy? Ya don’t fill yous belly with art! I’d have to eat five hundred of them piddy-tiddy things just for starters. And if yous wanna eat raw, there’s nuthin’ finer than the insides of a freshly-shot deer. You try eatin’ that with fiddly lil sticks, hey?

2. TABOULI
Monty: Bobby, I have no idea in holy hell what a tabouli is. Is it like some kinda moose?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Is it some kinda squirrel?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Does a tabouli have a look a fear in his eyes as he sees yous aiming fer his heart?

Bob: No Monty, tabouli is a mix of bulgar wheat, parsley and spices. It’s like a salad.

Monty: Holy heck Bob, don’t let that salad stuff near me. Might turn me all homosexual, like my brother Mike. He’s a big homosexual, but he sure loves his meat, so he’s all right with us, hey? Our momma was not happy when she found out about Mike likin’ them hairy sailor types that…

Bob: Anyway Monty, maybe we should look at the next item on our grocery blacklist.

Tofu! No! Puddit down, folks!3. TOFU
Monty: Now, I’m not one to go swearin’ in polite company, but what the freakin’ hell is tofu for? Tiggy says it’s a good meat replacement. Did ya hear that, Bob? Meat replacement? I don’t think I even understand what them two words mean together.

Bob: Some people substitute tofu for meat in their diets when they are trying to lose weight, Monty.

Monty: Why the hell you wanna go lose weight? There’s nothin’ finer a big meaty man, that’s what men should be like, hey? And Mike would agree on that too.

All you obese Tiggyblog fans out there, you takes my advice and get yerself a huntin’ bow. You’ll get some good exercise runnin’ round the forests chasin’ and killin’ some nice healthy food.

Bob: Amen. Next on our list is tempeh.

4. TEMPEH
Monty: Bob, are you makin’ this stuff up? That’s not a food, that’s some place in Florida! Man, yous been breathin’ them fumes from the barbecue.

Bob: Monty… oh, never mind. The last item on our shopping list is tomato.

Death by tomato. It ain't pretty!5. TOMATO
Monty: Now, red is a nice colour when it’s seepin’ outta a fresh kill. But you don’t wanna be go puttin’ them big red tomatoes in your mouth! You know how they grow them? And I wanna apologize to the ladies here, but let me be candid bout this – they grow them outta a big pile of shit! Yep, you heard straight! Poop!

And we don’t like poop, do we Bob? Ya can’t eat poop, not even if you barbecue it. We tried it once, but it weren’t so good.

Bob: No Monty, the only acceptable way to eat tomato is in tomato ketchup. No barbecue party is complete without it.

Monty: Not me, Bob, I ain’t touchin’ tomato ketchup! I’ll just have the regular ketchup thank you.

Bob: But Monty, ketchup is…

Monty: That’s enough yappin’ Bob. Now, y’all noticed a lot of nasty food starts with the letter ‘T’? That’s somethin’ to be aware of next time yous in the grocery store. Jus’ avoid all food products startin’ with the T. Jus’ to be safe, hey?

Bob: What about turkey?

Monty: Oh yeah, turkey. But that’s kinda like a big ugly chicken, so you okay with that.

Bob: T-bone. Tenderloin. Tripe. Trotters.

Monty: Yeah, technically they begin with ‘T’s but, oh, Bob, jus shut yer shute and fire up the grill, hey? I’m gonna strap on some steaks and exorcise them tofu things from my mind.

Bob: You mean ‘slap on’ some steaks, Monty?

Monty: Sure I do Bob, that’s what I jus’ said! See y’all next time folks… an’ watch out for them taboulis!


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Sticky Butter Butter Stick

It's butterly friggin' brilliant!

Gourmet chefs! Working up a sweat to earn another Michelin star for your restaurant? Too busy sculpting carrots and flambéing guinea pigs to tackle that pile of unbuttered bread? Banish your kitchen nightmares with this handy Sticky Butter Butter Stick!

Top shouting chef Gordon Ramsay would probably be even more successful if he had this powerful grease gadget in his f*#*ing kitchen!

* Sticky Butter’s computer-designed ergonomic shape means it can tackle even the most exotic bread shapes – and rolls too!

* Don’t stop at bread! Butter Stick can also be applied to crackers, asparagus and as a soothing balm for insect bites.

*Collect the whole range of great kitchen accessories including Ketchup Rifle, Spray Can Jam and Lard Pen!


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