Tag: drinking

Boring Beijing? Tiggy’s Exciting Olympics

The Olympics - could be worse, could be every year.

Are you watching the Beijing Olympics? Assuming you can see it through the smog. Well, I am boycotting the Olympics this year, for the reason I reckon everyone is – it’s boring as fuck. Who the hell wants to waste precious time watching drug-addled idiots running around in the blazing heat? I can do that at my local park for free. Ten gazillion dollars spent on two weeks of flag waving, blisters and lycra rash. What a waste of money.

However, if the Olympics bosses introduced these exciting sports I may be interested…

Olympic Cheese Rolling ? More fun than a bath tub of Cheez Whiz!Cheese Rolling – This ancient sport involves a large round cheese, a hill and some drunk people. Simply roll the cheese down the hill. The winner is the drunk who manages to beat the cheese to the finish by throwing themselves down the hill after it.

I’m sure there are hills in Beijing, so construction costs = $0. I’m not sure if they have large cheese in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Dressing Up Race – This would liven up the 1500 metres no end. Runners would have to stop every 100m and add a layer of clothing – a feather boa, frilly dress or large floppy hat. Maybe they could have a theme like Gay Parade or ABBA Tribute. It would add a dash of colour and in no way demean the athletes and their sport. Hurdles in Heels? Long Jump in Rubber? The possibilities are endless.

Meaty, mighty and a lot more interesting than men's synchronised fencing.Men’s Triathlon – Never mind running, swimming and whatever the other thing is, I propose three REAL tests to sort the men from the boys – beer drinking, Marmite wrestling and barbequing. Who can drink the most, defeat his opponent in a bought of sticky yeast extract tussling then cook a plate of plump sausages to perfection?

I ‘m sure the Australians would do well at this, although they’d probably moan about wanting to use Vegemite instead of Marmite. Sorry fellas, rules are rules.

Women’s Triathlon – Waxing, Mojitos and Shoes. I think I could represent Canada in this sport, although I am no good at shoes. Or waxing.

‘High’ Jump – No pole, no landing mat, just a large spliff and the will to succeed. A plate of Gummy Worms and Cheetos could be dangled from a crane as an incentive to the giggling competitors to jump even higher!

I’m not sure if they have drugs in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Men’s Nude Hockey – That is something I would like to see. Just saying.

Ohh, watch out for that flying puck!

I am writing to the International Olympic Committee right now with my suggestions, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to add them to the London 2012 Olympics. But first, I’m going to lie down and think about the men’s hockey a bit more…

 

They’d win gold medals in the 500 metre bonkers race at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Teetotal

Beer and boys - ewww!

Great Aunt Tiggylina Butternut-Mynge and her Temperance Society chums eagerly await World War I.

7. Teetotal

The superhuman ability to abstain from all alcoholic beverages.

I tried being teetotal once. I went to a bar and drank only tomato juice. I drank so much I spent the rest of the night vomiting bright red fountains of spaghetti sauce. Even worse, I was sober enough to remember it.

Kids, just say NO to vegetable-based liquid refreshments.

 


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Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets

You're Beautiful, It's True!

I take ten minutes to put on my make up. Five minutes to apply, then five minutes to take it off again as I usually look worse than when I started. My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab.

I’ve tried every overpriced beauty product on the market and still look like a bag of spanners. I cannot buy beauty at the drugstore, so I’ve come up with some cheaper alternatives.
· Try some old-fashioned home remedies. Drinking apple cider vinegar is supposed to be great for the complexion. I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to consume one teaspoon or one litre a day, so I tried both. It’s one teaspoon.

· Drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your body hydrated. Improve the taste with a dash of lemon, fruit juice or white rum.

Cocktails - Get your 5-A-Day!· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.

· Get as much sleep as you can. Three fruit cocktails send me to sleep for hours, so I can kill two birds with one stone.

· Make cheap facial masks using ingredients from your fridge. A mask made with beaten egg, maple syrup and cheese whiz gives my face a nice orangey glow.

· Cigarettes are bad for your complexion, so avoid them. The beauty magazines don’t mention avoiding water bongs however, so I think we’re okay with those.

Remove all the crap before applying to skin.· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.

· Yoga. Apparently sitting on one arse cheek with your arm in the air for two hours is good for your body and mind. Combine this with watching TV or playing video games and you’ll be looking good in no time. You must wear a leotard while doing it otherwise it won’t work.
If you follow this advice and still look hideous, remove the mirrors from your house and shut your eyes when walking past anything reflective.
I find this technique works wonders.


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Piss-Up In A Brewery

Beer and BeerI was invited to the launch of a new beer at a local brewery. Free beer all night. Free food and entertainment. A dream come true!

I arrived early, dangling my party pass at a group of tourists on a brewery tour. They must have thought I was a local celeb attending an exclusive bash. I felt very hip.

I rushed towards the loud music and aroma of sweet, fresh brew. Huge illuminated cases of icy beer filled every corner. “Try our new beer!” beamed a bikini-clad blonde as she thrust her hand into the ice and pulled out a chilled bottle. Forget the feminist implications of this sexist PR tactic, I thought, this chick has free booze.

Cheesy Things
A large buffet table groaning with crudités, nachos and unidentifiable cheesy things was beckoning. Ignoring the more nutritious offerings, I dived straight into the chips and cheesy things. It was plentiful and free.

Two hours and five beers later I was still going strong. Beer tasted so much sweeter when it was free. But the bikini-clad girl’s smile had turned to a grimace. She was probably wishing everyone would go home. All right, she had to stand next to a freezer in her undies all night, but the beer wouldn’t open itself, would it?

Five hours and an unknown number of beers later I was struggling. I couldn’t leave – there were still bottles in the case, swimming amongst the melting ice cubes. Bikini girl was nowhere to be seen. The buffet was empty except for the crudités.

Grease
I chewed on a raw carrot but my stomach required grease to hold down the beer. I had to pee for the eighth time in an hour. My hazy brain reminded me I had work in the morning. I would leave, but I couldn’t stand up. The carrot was threatening a comeback. I never wanted to see another bottle of beer again. I had learned my lesson.

Annoyingly, I’ve just been invited to an exclusive party at a cocktail bar. I don’t want to appear ungrateful so I will just pop my head round the door and say hello. Maybe just one little drink…


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