Bad Apples – Tiggy’s Campaign to Ban This Evil Fruit
I’m starting a campaign to ban apples. They may look delicious as they line up neatly in the grocery store, like a troupe of polished red soldiers on display. But they are EVIL! Apples have enjoyed world domination for too long, denying the rightful king of fruits – the banana – its crown.
Easily the best fruit ever, the banana is sunny yellow, full of goodness and loved by cute monkeys and Oriental sex performers everywhere. Watch out Granny Smith, I’m on to you!
Apples have been causing trouble since the beginning of time. Recall the trouble Eve got into when she nibbled on one of those little green bastards. One bite of a Golden Delicious and feminism is set back 10,000 years.
If only Eve had been tempted by a big luscious banana, that useless specimen Adam would have been told to Fig Off in no time.
Not content with messing it up for the ladies, the apple tried to halt the onset of human enlightenment by attempting to kill great scientist Sir Isaac Newton. According to what I read in a history book (I think), Sir Issac was innocently sitting under a tree inventing time travel, a cure for piles and a way to stop colours running in the washing machine (which he also had just invented).
A mercenary Cox’s Pippin sent to snuff out the boffin failed in its assassination attempt, causing only concussion. Newton was nursed back to health by Florence Nightingale, but the only thing he could recall was the Law of Gravity. This was of no use to anyone because gravity had already been invented.
The apple has found other ways to control us. Did you know the apple is the biggest threat to our youth? It has cleverly let poor little cannabis take the fall for that, the dastardly fruit it is.
Think about it. As a rite of passage, every 12-year-old must get drunk at the local park by chugging back a litre of cheap booze. To the young palette, beer tastes like battery acid. Pocket money won’t stretch to whiskey. What is cheap, sweet and will get you pissed and vomiting by the swings in no time? CIDER. Once hooked on this fruity poison, it’s downhill all the way to a life of alcoholic misery and self loathing.
Apple – It’s the Gateway Fruit. I think George Bush and Gordon Brown need to be told their war on drugs needs diverting to the orchards. Burn them! And the orchards.
An evil force depends on the apple for its survival – the wasp. This hideous killing machine sustains its powers by gorging on apples then proceeds to make our lives a misery by attacking our homes, barbeques and poolside sex parties. With the onset of global warming, the wasp is getting bigger – did you know scientists predict (maybe) that by 2030, wasps will be the size of herons? Can you imagine that flying into your open car window?
The only way to avoid the insect invasion is by destroying all apple trees and replacing them with banana plantations, which will attract cute wildlife like monkeys and Oriental sex performers.
It’s time to take action and oust the apple. I’m off to the supermarket now to chain myself to the fruit counter and demand this dangerous product be removed from the shelves – for the sake of the children.
Vive La Banana!!
Support my anti-apple campaign over at Humor-Blogs.com
OK, I admit, I want to be a Hooters girl! I don’t really want to be a waitress – I tried it once, but my lack of balancing, pouring and social skills meant that career lasted one night only. No, it’s because all the girls who work at Hooters are pretty.
Wasabi – A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.
Energy Drinks – The TV advert promised to give me wings – sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless – the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning – but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…
Hemp Oil – Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.
