Tag: dogs

Tiggy’s Hit Parade – Songs for Gay Dogs

Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy. Unless you’re at a Billy Bob Thornton concert.

Hip hop for homo hounds!

4. Songs For Gay Dogs

Fido come out of the kennel? Bonzo batting for the other side? Celebrate your pooch’s newfound pride with this selection of hits from Paddy “P-Doggy” Roberts, world-renowned Trance DJ and gay-animal activist. Your camp canine will adore pulsating dance floor numbers including:

* My Big Bone
* Bassett In The Bushes (At The Off-Leash Park)
* Oooh, Bitch
* Your Teasing Tail
* Snoop Me, Dogg Stylie
* Littlest Hobo Love (You Go, Girlfriend!)

I don’t know if this album caters for the needs of lady-loving lady dogs as I didn’t really want to listen to it.

Next time on Hit Parade – A Puppet Show! No, really.


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Kitties Aren’t So Nice

Evil kitteh. Don't look into the eyes!

I’m about to be shunned by the entire internet. Friends will turn away and my readership will plummet. But before you go, dear reader, please hear me out (and to be fair, have I ever been wrong in the past?) How can I say this…

Cats are evil.

A familiar sight during my childhood.I’m sorry! I know many of you have cats and love them to bits. But they are the devil’s pet! I have been at war with cats for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memory is of being attacked by a grey furball that decided chewing a baby would make a nice change from a half-digested starling.

Fluffy the cat made my childhood a misery. That dastardly kitty tried to kill me when I was a toddler. It was Christmas Day and I was innocently watching TV, chocolate-smeared and engrossed in The Wizard of Oz. The scheming feline deliberately jumped on our enormous over-laden Christmas tree, bringing it crashing down on my head and plunging thousands of pin-sharp pine needles into my skull.
“Mummy!” I screamed for days after. “I want a dog!”

Owned.My parents eventually caved in and bought me a dog. That will teach that bastard cat. However, my parents plumped the most timid, scardey-cat Collie they could find.

Fluffy ruled poor Sniffles with a rod of iron. Sniffles waited patiently as Fluffy polished off his bowl of Doggy Chow. He slept soundly as Fluffy ripped the defrosting chicken to shreds and sicked up chicken bones around the house. He wagged his tail and lolled his big pink tongue as Fluffy pounced on my head and dug her claws into my eyeballs. So much for my canine protector!

So you see, I don’t have much luck with cats. Any other animal is fine. Put me in a cage with a man-eating wild creature and they’ll just lick my face. Here’s a real, it’s-true-and-not-Photoshopped photo of me with a crocodile.

Tiggy and Charlie the crocodile. Yeah, really smart.

See? I’ve tickled a crocodile’s belly and even stroked a bear’s paw (it was still attached to the bear). But put a wide-eyed little kitten in my lap and in less than a minute I’ll be dripping with blood and covered in cat fur.

There must be a way to make cats like me. Start smoking catnip? Toss kitty treats in my path wherever I go? Or accept that me and the feline world will never see eye-to-cat-eye and just buy a large shotgun?

And did I ever tell you about the time I got attacked by a Shetland pony…?

They have a worrying catnip addiction over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Cat Activity Centre

Kittyland Love Centre.Is your fluffy friend bored? Kitty tired of shredding your sofa and sicking up dead mouse parts? See his cats eyes light up with this Cat Activity Centre! Combining materials developed on the International Space Station with Japanese construction technology (possibly) this tower of feline fun will make kitty purrrrr!

Pussy will delight in scampering up and down the ladders, hiding in the catnip-infused boxes and swinging on the hammock thing. They’ll never want to leave!

 

Don’t forget Fido – boffins are currently developing a range of doggylicious toys for your pooch, including:

It's sock-vomit doggy heaven!* Sock On A String – Now Rover can swallow his favourite laundry item all day without that expensive trip to the veterinarian!

Simply pull the string to retrieve sock from your dog’s digestive tract.

* Doggy ‘Doo-Doughs’ Treats – your hound is always happy when he’s playing with poo! These yummy brown piles taste as good as they look.

Simply scatter a handful of treats around the garden and your dog will think he’s in the local park! Safe for kids, too.


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