Tag: dicks

Another 20 People I Don’t Want to Meet

Guess what I've got under the counter.

Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

  1. A disillusioned Illusionist
  2. An air traffic controller with double vision
  3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
  4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
  5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
  6. A quadriplegic marching band
  7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
  8. A hangman with a theme tune
  9. A piss-stained news anchor
  10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
  11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
  12. A butcher with a boner
  13. An unhappy clapper
  14. A nail bomber with a book deal
  15. A Satanist selling life insurance
  16. A suicidal bus driver
  17. A talk show host with botulism
  18. A robber wearing a rubber
  19. An easily-distracted surgeon
  20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

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Pirats of the Caribbean

Someone's about to get jolly well rogered.

My poor friend Sparky had been dumped by his girlfriend following the “fun lol” incident. Super Dave and I decided to take Sparky to the bar to take his mind off his woes.

Unfortunately, none of us had much money. The barman was not pleased when Sparky paid for our rounds with a pile of quarters. I suspect Super Dave had been ‘fixing’ Pepsi machines with a screwdriver again. We sat at the bar in a cloud of gloom, sucking on lemon slices to extract the very last drops of rum and coke. What a crappy evening.

Suddenly, Super Dave let out a squeal like a little girl on a fairground ride. He leapt from his bar stool and rushed towards some tall, tanned dude who had just walked into the bar.

“Sparky! Sparky! Take a photo! Photo of me and Billy!” he squeaked as he magically produced a camera from nowhere and thrust it into Sparky’s hands. Sparky rolled his eyes.

“I recognize him. He’s that actor guy off the TV. Big deal.” murmured Sparky as he spat his lemon on the floor and pointed the camera at the grinning pair. “Honestly, call acting work? That idiot spends all day getting his hair done, then he rattles off a few lines and gets paid a shitload of cash…” his voice trailed away as he spotted the row of free cocktails lined up on the bar for Billy actor guy.

And then Sparky too was gone, pushing his way up to Billy, shaking his hand and giving him that “I think we could do business” look. Oh no.

Sparky spent the next hour duping Billy into thinking he and Super Dave were talented local actors looking for work. Phone numbers were exchanged and descriptions of recent performances were invented. Billy promised he’d help the boys get some work. Apparently his director friend was looking for help with a costume drama he was filming by the waterfront. Some kind of cool pirate adventure movie, a big name star – a great opportunity for talented actors looking for serious roles.

Sparky and Super Dave were ecstatic. If Billy recommended them, the director would be sure to hire them. The boys spent the rest of the night schmoozing with Billy, racking up a huge drinks bill and leaving the bar with stars in their eyes. Don’t worry, Tiggy would pay for the drinks with her credit card. She’d figure out a way to pay it off somehow.

* * *

Depp is going to be there, right?True to his word, Billy got them the job. I couldn’t believe it. Sparky and Super Dave were going to be movie stars! This director must be desperate. Immediately I began my campaign to ensure I got access to the set. This movie sounded big. Maybe Johhny Depp was in it? He did a lot of pirate stuff. I wanted my picture with Johnny Depp. I’d paid for the drinks that night, it was the least they could do for me.

Sparky and Super Dave were more concerned about the number of ladies present on set. Dressed as swashbuckling pirates, they’d have no trouble picking up young starlets who’d pay for their drinks and do a bunch of other stuff with them too. Super Dave was even pondering getting his hair cut.

The morning of the boys’ first day of shooting, I rushed to the waterfront to wrangle my place on the set. I’d even put on some make-up, just in case Johnny was there. I had to battle my way through a large crowd of excited schoolchildren. Get out of my way you little bastards, I hissed. I’m with the cast.

The sea of bobbing brats parted before me to reveal the spectacle of a great pirate battle. Two giant fluffy rats dressed as pirates were throwing punches at the director. A large purple dinosaur dressed as a cabin boy was running around, shouting “Get these fucking idiots OFF MY FUCKING SET!” Didn’t look like much of a swashbuckling adventure to me.

A giant rat stumbled towards me.

“Tiggy! He fucked us over! Billy fucked us over! Friggin’ kiddies’ dinosaur movie!” squealed a voice from inside the costume. “Sparky’s gonna kill him! Fuck, I can’t see!” the rat squeaked as he tripped over the lighting cables and was pounced upon by two security guards.

Cover your eyes, kids. This pirate adventure was about to get bloody.


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20 More People I Don’t Want to Meet

That, plus 85.

Never mind the last bunch of losers, nutcases and dicks, here’s some more people I’m avoiding right now.

1. A cop wearing only one shoe

2. People who order skinny lattes but aren’t sure what skinny lattes are

3. People who believe Sunday is the first day of the week

4. People who insist a tomato is a fruit

5. A lap dancer that smells of cheese

6. Eighty-seven Goths

7. A door-to-door tampon salesman

8. A Christmas Parade Santa with a weak bladder

9. A vicar clenching a potato between his buttocks

10. An underage ambulance driver

11. A one-armed pizza chef

12. A dwarf dressed as a pixie

13. Anyone who bought a ShamWow because they liked the TV ad

14. A superhero with Tourette’s

15. A door-to-door door salesman

16. A bishop with a squirrel under his hat

17. A lawyer who lives in a trailer

18. A heavily perspiring Hooters Girl

19. A pixie dressed as a leprechaun

20. A Wal-Mart greeter with an erection

Have you met anyone you don’t want to meet recently?


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People I Don’t Want To Meet

Deadly ninjas on a coach trip?

Here’s some people I don’t want to meet.

1. An enthusiastic undertaker

2. A swimming instructor with two penises

3. Twins who are married to each other

4. A taxi driver with bite marks on his cheeks

5. A sad weatherman

6. A party of Japanese tourists capable of killing

7. A telesales caller who just keeps repeating “Help me…”

8. A man wearing track pants that smell of cheese

9. An armed robber with a catchphrase

10. A blind TV chef

11. A bubbly anorexic

12. A vegan survival camp instructor

13. A sweaty flight attendant

14. An elderly man with a wire sticking out of his skull

15. Women who buy perfume because they liked the TV ad

16. A vegan Eskimo

17. A serial killer with a heart of gold

18. A mailman wearing make-up

19. An airline pilot with a lucky mascot

20. A grotesquely obese woman licking a pickle


Who don’t you want to meet?


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