Tag: death

Tiggy’s Thought for the Day – Dead Sexy

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Dead is not sexy.Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.


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Eddie McMayonnaise… on Dead People

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eddie mcjpgThe Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist Eddie McMayonnaise shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

.As top columnist for the Lunenburg County Bugler I’m not usually one to snark about my fellow journalists. But on the other hand, it’s very easy and there is payment involved.

Have you noticed when the TV or newspaper reports the death of someone, it always says “He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, with his family and friends around his bedside.” Every time! What I’d like to know is:

I'm dead angry!– How come his family knew what time he was going to die, so they could all gather around his bedside?

– Or, had they been standing there for days, impatiently waiting for the old bugger to pop his clogs so they could read the will?

– Or, was there some kind of machine unplugging ceremony involved?
“Are we all here? Right, who wants to flip the switch?”

– Or, do newspapers… lie?
“He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, alone in the washroom with his head jammed down a urinal…” It just doesn’t have the same brevity, does it?

And how come when someone famous dies, we all have to pretend we liked them? “Oooh, I was such a big Michael Jackson fan!” cried my colleague the other day, as she wiped away a tear. “I loved that song he did with Paul McCartney, you know, Ebony and Ivory?”

For the record, I only listen to dead musicians. That way I won’t be disappointed when they don’t go on tour.

Oooh, it makes me angry! I’m off to HMV to lick all the Thriller CDs. Toodel-oo!


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Tiggy’s Bucket List

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I’m not thinking of dropping dead any time soon. There are things I need to do first. So, like those old guys in the coincidently titled “The Bucket List”, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

Have you ever done any of these things? If they were a bit boring let me know and I’ll cross them off.

1. See inside my brain.

2. Vomit sake into a Tokyo gutter.

3. Fire a gun without killing someone (for once).

4. Win the Turner Prize for Art with my work Frozen Prawn in a Bucket.

Fetch, Fido! Roll over!5. Win a Dog Show with a cunningly disguised hamster.

6. Drive a tractor into the Sphinx.

7. Eat a jam and spam flan on a trip to Milan.

8. Send back a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.

9. Be undressed by kings and see some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see.

10. Endure a bitter and acrimonious divorce from George Clooney.

11. Roll a joint in less than three hours.

12. Ride a Segway around the CERN particle accelerator while it’s on.

13. Crawl through air ducts while being chased by robots.

14. Win an Oscar for my screen adaptation of the Yellow Pages.

15. Accidentally delete YouTube.

16. Run over a pop tart with a traction engine.

My Favourite Spoon.17. Give a three-hour lecture to an audience of people I hate, entitled “My Favourite Spoon”.

18. Think up a funny Lolcat caption.

19. Liberate Greenland.

20. Enter rehab for an addiction to tree sap.

21. Star in a medieval-themed adult movie called Robbin Hood of Sherfuck Forest.

22. Use the ‘c’ word in a company presentation.

23. Invent a new kind of cheese.

24. Take pot shots at kite boarders with a potato gun.

25. Ban the word “soccer”. It’s football.

26. Tickle a panda.

27. Steal a cloud.

28. Open a peanut-themed restaurant and call it The Nut Sack.

29. Un-see Two Girls, One Cup.

30. Tour Namibia on a space hopper.

There’s no knowing when that ragged mob will catch up with me and burn me at the stake, so I’m pumping up my space hopper and heading off before it’s too late.
What’s on your bucket list?


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Tiggy’s Hit Parade – A Dead Good Record

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Music fans! Confused by the choices in your record store? Want to get ‘with it’ like all the hip cats down at the Hop? Or something? Then check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade reviews!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy possesses neither a turntable nor any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy.

1. All My Friends Are Dead

HP - DEAD FRIENDS

Poor social outcast Freddie! No clues as to the nature of his entire social circle’s demise. Either Freddie has dark secrets and suspicious lumps of meat in his freezer, or his friends simply took their lives en mass after hearing his last album I’m Hiding In Your Wardrobe.

Freddie’s miserable medleys (possibly) include:

* Banned From Facebook Again

* Swingin’ (From The Rafters)

* My Hamster Left Home

* I’m Hiding In Your Basement

* It Tastes Like Chicken, But It Isn’t Chicken

A great party album for wakes and intensive care units! Thanks to Worst Album Covers for their toppermost of the poppermost record collection.

Next time on Hit Parade – Folky Frolics… and Fruit Chutney!


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