Tag: dead

Tiggy’s Thought for the Day – Dead Sexy

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Dead is not sexy.Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.


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Eddie McMayonnaise… on Dead People

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eddie mcjpgThe Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist Eddie McMayonnaise shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

.As top columnist for the Lunenburg County Bugler I’m not usually one to snark about my fellow journalists. But on the other hand, it’s very easy and there is payment involved.

Have you noticed when the TV or newspaper reports the death of someone, it always says “He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, with his family and friends around his bedside.” Every time! What I’d like to know is:

I'm dead angry!– How come his family knew what time he was going to die, so they could all gather around his bedside?

– Or, had they been standing there for days, impatiently waiting for the old bugger to pop his clogs so they could read the will?

– Or, was there some kind of machine unplugging ceremony involved?
“Are we all here? Right, who wants to flip the switch?”

– Or, do newspapers… lie?
“He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, alone in the washroom with his head jammed down a urinal…” It just doesn’t have the same brevity, does it?

And how come when someone famous dies, we all have to pretend we liked them? “Oooh, I was such a big Michael Jackson fan!” cried my colleague the other day, as she wiped away a tear. “I loved that song he did with Paul McCartney, you know, Ebony and Ivory?”

For the record, I only listen to dead musicians. That way I won’t be disappointed when they don’t go on tour.

Oooh, it makes me angry! I’m off to HMV to lick all the Thriller CDs. Toodel-oo!


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Fake Corpses

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Shopping on the internet is fun! From the comfort of your own home, you can browse millions of stores and buy all sorts of stuff you don’t really need.

I’m featuring some of the toppermost of the shoppermost must-have items here at Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre! And there’ll be even more junk appearing at a brand spanking new website – coming soon!

 

CORPSES FOR SALE – They’re Not Real! I Think.

Margaret Thatcher never looked so good!

Corpses For Sale provides a one-stop-shop for all your necrotic needs. Browse through an extensive selection of realistic stiffs (not being familiar with real-life dead people I couldn’t vouch for their authenticity).

Customize your corpse’s degree of decay! Buy it a nice wig! Imagine the hours of pleasure your personal cadaver will bring.

 

* Take corpsey for a ride so you can use the car pool lane. If you get caught by the police just tell them you are taking your grandmother to a funeral – hers. It will raise a smile with the cops and they will let you off. Probably.

* As a hilarious yet harmless prank, bury it in your neigbour’s garden and call the cops. Don’t forget to film it for YouTube!

* Hide an eye or rotting finger in your kid’s school lunch box. Imagine how adorable they will look as they scream in terror and piss themselves in front of their friends in the dinner hall. Precious!

 


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