Tag: clooney

Hope I Die After I Get Old

Posted on by

That's the spirit!I’m looking forward to being old. Life so far has not been as exciting as I hoped. I was too weird to have enjoyed a flirtatious carefree youth and I’m spending most my adult life sitting in traffic queues and being thrown out of cocktail bars. I’ve decided my twilight years are going to be the best of my (fast diminishing) life. I’ve only got 50 years to wait! Well, 45. All right, maybe closer to 40. Bugger.

I hope my family dumps me at the doorstep of the local seniors’ home the day I reach admission age. Senior homes may be like prisons with flowery curtains, but think of the benefits! Three square meals a day, lots of TV to watch and uniformed helpers to cater to your every need.

I imagine by the time I’m old they will have senior homes in space – Heaven’s waiting room in the heavens. Being weightless will help us old folk move around easily and I’m sure the boffins will have invented some sort of magic space lemonade to keep us fit and regular.

Me and my old-timer chums can float around the TV lounge all day watching remastered 3D holographic movies from the old days. We’ll hovver around sucking Werther’s Original Magic Mushrooms (drugs will of course be legal by then) and watch classics like SAW IIV and Debbie Does Denmark.

Hopefully boffins will have invented an interactive virtual reality pod too. We can indulge our fantasies and have some senior sexy time with holographic stars. Oohh virtual George Clooney, just wait until I get out of this prosthetic brace and we’ll have some fun!

Tiggy in 100 years. I hope.Pumped up on magic space lemonade and as many Werthers Originals we can get our wrinkly hands on, life will be one big senior home house party (at least until bedtime at 7pm).

Old Mr. Jay-Z Johnson in his pimped out wheelchair can provide entertainment with ditties from the good old days. “Oh, ma bitch! Ma Ho! Shake ur Ass, bitch!” he will croak as his blinging gold false teeth rattle inside his bony head.

Maybe devilish geriatrics Mr. Rose and Mr. Slash will wake from their afternoon naps and treat us to some old-fashioned guitar shredding and arthritic-foot-tapping rock tunes. As long as they keep the noise down.

We have nothing to fear from old age! It’s going to be a fogey-fest of liquid meals, happy pills and moaning about how today’s youth don’t know they’re born, the old days were much better. First one to the stair lift gets a go with Virtual George!


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Beards Are Sexy And I Want One

Posted on by

Arrggghhh! Oooohhh!Its official – men with beards are hot. Wouldn’t you love to fiddle with Dave Grohl’s grungy stubble, or swoon over George Clooney’s latest cock pirate look? I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if they shaved, that’s for sure.

I’ve been a beard fan since I was four and fell in love with Animal from the Muppet Show (I also wanted to marry C3-PO, but that story is going no further than my therapist).

As a four-year-old girl I dreamed of having my own beard one day. My fantasy was shattered after I excitedly informed my dad I wanted a beard like Animal’s when I grew up. Dad had to break the news to his sobbing daughter that ladies couldn’t grow beards. And maybe it was also time to reveal that C3-PO wasn’t a real robot. Childhood can be so painful.

It’s not fair. If women could grow beards just think of the fun we could have with them.

An attractive addition to your beard.– Hairdressers can double their profits as matching hair ‘n’ beard highlights become fashionable. Women can squander more money on overpriced beard-care products to enhance their facial fur.

Accessories like ribbons, glitter and flashing LED lights could be woven into the beard to create a stunning look for the weekly Girls’ Night Out.

– Woke up with a beard that would make Fidel Castro weep? Now you can add Bad Beard Day to your list of excuses to stay in bed. Tell your boss you are sick due to “women’s problems” and no further questions will be asked. If your boss is a man you can take the rest of the week off, they have no clue about these things.

– Coordinate your “lady parts” and beard with a theme! Wow them at the clothing-optional beach with matching Brazilian stripes, or a sexy heart-shaped trim to impress your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day!

Those flashing LED lights could also be incorporated for a seasonal Christmas tree theme, creating a stunning festive display “above and below”.

Just think how many cans of beans you could hide in there.– Beards have lots of practical uses. Never lose your keys or small children again by simply tying them to your beard.

Growing a long ZZ-Top beard will come in handy on holiday as a fluffy beach towel, or use it to hide grocery items you are not intending to pay for.

A beard of my own is but a dream, unless I start taking steroids or save my hair clippings to create my own face fuzz. Lady beards could be the new black! Look out for it at the next Paris Fashion Show.

The cock pirate look is all the rage over at Humor-Blogs.com


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail