Tag: china

Boring Beijing? Tiggy’s Exciting Olympics

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The Olympics - could be worse, could be every year.

Are you watching the Beijing Olympics? Assuming you can see it through the smog. Well, I am boycotting the Olympics this year, for the reason I reckon everyone is – it’s boring as fuck. Who the hell wants to waste precious time watching drug-addled idiots running around in the blazing heat? I can do that at my local park for free. Ten gazillion dollars spent on two weeks of flag waving, blisters and lycra rash. What a waste of money.

However, if the Olympics bosses introduced these exciting sports I may be interested…

Olympic Cheese Rolling ? More fun than a bath tub of Cheez Whiz!Cheese Rolling – This ancient sport involves a large round cheese, a hill and some drunk people. Simply roll the cheese down the hill. The winner is the drunk who manages to beat the cheese to the finish by throwing themselves down the hill after it.

I’m sure there are hills in Beijing, so construction costs = $0. I’m not sure if they have large cheese in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Dressing Up Race – This would liven up the 1500 metres no end. Runners would have to stop every 100m and add a layer of clothing – a feather boa, frilly dress or large floppy hat. Maybe they could have a theme like Gay Parade or ABBA Tribute. It would add a dash of colour and in no way demean the athletes and their sport. Hurdles in Heels? Long Jump in Rubber? The possibilities are endless.

Meaty, mighty and a lot more interesting than men's synchronised fencing.Men’s Triathlon – Never mind running, swimming and whatever the other thing is, I propose three REAL tests to sort the men from the boys – beer drinking, Marmite wrestling and barbequing. Who can drink the most, defeat his opponent in a bought of sticky yeast extract tussling then cook a plate of plump sausages to perfection?

I ‘m sure the Australians would do well at this, although they’d probably moan about wanting to use Vegemite instead of Marmite. Sorry fellas, rules are rules.

Women’s Triathlon – Waxing, Mojitos and Shoes. I think I could represent Canada in this sport, although I am no good at shoes. Or waxing.

‘High’ Jump – No pole, no landing mat, just a large spliff and the will to succeed. A plate of Gummy Worms and Cheetos could be dangled from a crane as an incentive to the giggling competitors to jump even higher!

I’m not sure if they have drugs in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Men’s Nude Hockey – That is something I would like to see. Just saying.

Ohh, watch out for that flying puck!

I am writing to the International Olympic Committee right now with my suggestions, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to add them to the London 2012 Olympics. But first, I’m going to lie down and think about the men’s hockey a bit more…

 

They’d win gold medals in the 500 metre bonkers race at Humor-Blogs.com


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Smog Is In The Air

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Suck it up, Smog fans!

Now the snow has cleared and the frostbite infections have healed, it’s time to welcome the season known as smog. That pretty yellow haze and tickly feeling in the lungs heralds the arrival of my favourite time of year. And it seems we just can’t get enough of smog!

Smog’s popularity is growing. Cities everywhere vie for the prize of ‘Smog Capital of the World’ with more countries joining in the fun every year. Toronto put in a good effort last year, but was out-hazed by those up and coming pea-souper-stars Beijing and Mexico City. Better luck this year, TO!

Some people say smog is a bad thing that contributes to countless deaths and diseases, posing a greater threat to our health than smoking, drinking and coffee creamer. But a world without smog would be unthinkable! Just consider the benefits…

Without smog, Christmas is ruined! – Without smog, there would be no Christmas! Imagine the tears in small children’s eyes as they open their empty stockings. “Sorry kids, but the Chinese factories that make Santa’s toys have closed down due to anti-pollution laws. You’ll have to play with this pile of organic hemp instead”.

Surely it’s better to let factories pump noxious chemicals into the atmosphere than deprive little Johnny of his plastic TransformoMangaZoid robot? Those Chinese factory workers will just have to learn to hold their breath more often.

– Smog can help prevent heart attacks! Sick of those emaciated health gurus lecturing you about how unhealthy you are and how you should get off your lardy arse and go jogging? It’s alright for those multi-billionaire fitness freaks; they can jog around their luxury yachts in Monaco.

But for those of us in Smog City, running around wheezing in the fuggy haze is very dangerous! You could suffer heart failure, or get hit by a car lost in the fog. Are these exercise Nazis trying to finish us off? Far healthier to remain inside and take a nice relaxing nap.

Hurrah for biofuel!-We need smog to Go Green! Now boffins have invented biofuel, more land is needed to grow this precious crop. Getting rid of all that useless wheat and corn (who eats that stuff anyway?) only provides a fraction of land needed.

Fortunately, many countries have realized that by burning down all those land-hogging forests they can grow even more biofuel and help save the planet!

Unfortunately, burning involves blanketing entire regions in dense toxic fog for weeks on end. But it’s for the environment, right? And that can only be a good thing.

Thank goodness for smog! Without it world economies would collapse and we’d all have to walk to the shops – where they’d be nothing to buy anyway! Until we can keep modern society running on fresh air I guess we’ll have to do without it.


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