Tag: cats

Guest Poster – Eddie McMayonnaise On Modern Art!

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The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

Me and Prime Minister Stephen Harper agree on one thing. The Arts are rubbish! So-called ‘artists’ waste their time splattering paint about and poncing around on stage, when they could be doing useful jobs like building cars and running banks!

Tonight I have to review a play at the local arts theatre. The play is billed as “An intimate study of one woman’s journey through life and spirituality, reflected against the backdrop of social turmoil and political strife in 1960s Belfast”. Gahhhh!

Why are plays always about dramatic spiritual journeys and social turmoil? Why can’t they be about monkeys or something? I’d like to see a play about monkeys.

Tomorrow I have to attend an open night at the local Gallery of Modern Art. They have nibbles, which is the main reason I’m going. But how am I going to make polite conversation with the fancy art crowd about this:

Rabbits... teeth... erm...

Apparently, this work is a study of the symbolic progression of climate change as perceived through the eyes of nature…. I can see rabbits. With boobs? Are those things pretzels? What?

The stray cats at the local dump have created better art than that! No really, they have:

Lol, cat art.

Not bad for a first attempt, Tiddles!

Ohhh, I’m so cross I’m going to set fire to the Fire Station and call it Art. Ta-ta!


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Kitties Aren’t So Nice

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Evil kitteh. Don't look into the eyes!

I’m about to be shunned by the entire internet. Friends will turn away and my readership will plummet. But before you go, dear reader, please hear me out (and to be fair, have I ever been wrong in the past?) How can I say this…

Cats are evil.

A familiar sight during my childhood.I’m sorry! I know many of you have cats and love them to bits. But they are the devil’s pet! I have been at war with cats for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memory is of being attacked by a grey furball that decided chewing a baby would make a nice change from a half-digested starling.

Fluffy the cat made my childhood a misery. That dastardly kitty tried to kill me when I was a toddler. It was Christmas Day and I was innocently watching TV, chocolate-smeared and engrossed in The Wizard of Oz. The scheming feline deliberately jumped on our enormous over-laden Christmas tree, bringing it crashing down on my head and plunging thousands of pin-sharp pine needles into my skull.
“Mummy!” I screamed for days after. “I want a dog!”

Owned.My parents eventually caved in and bought me a dog. That will teach that bastard cat. However, my parents plumped the most timid, scardey-cat Collie they could find.

Fluffy ruled poor Sniffles with a rod of iron. Sniffles waited patiently as Fluffy polished off his bowl of Doggy Chow. He slept soundly as Fluffy ripped the defrosting chicken to shreds and sicked up chicken bones around the house. He wagged his tail and lolled his big pink tongue as Fluffy pounced on my head and dug her claws into my eyeballs. So much for my canine protector!

So you see, I don’t have much luck with cats. Any other animal is fine. Put me in a cage with a man-eating wild creature and they’ll just lick my face. Here’s a real, it’s-true-and-not-Photoshopped photo of me with a crocodile.

Tiggy and Charlie the crocodile. Yeah, really smart.

See? I’ve tickled a crocodile’s belly and even stroked a bear’s paw (it was still attached to the bear). But put a wide-eyed little kitten in my lap and in less than a minute I’ll be dripping with blood and covered in cat fur.

There must be a way to make cats like me. Start smoking catnip? Toss kitty treats in my path wherever I go? Or accept that me and the feline world will never see eye-to-cat-eye and just buy a large shotgun?

And did I ever tell you about the time I got attacked by a Shetland pony…?

They have a worrying catnip addiction over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Cat Activity Centre

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Kittyland Love Centre.Is your fluffy friend bored? Kitty tired of shredding your sofa and sicking up dead mouse parts? See his cats eyes light up with this Cat Activity Centre! Combining materials developed on the International Space Station with Japanese construction technology (possibly) this tower of feline fun will make kitty purrrrr!

Pussy will delight in scampering up and down the ladders, hiding in the catnip-infused boxes and swinging on the hammock thing. They’ll never want to leave!

 

Don’t forget Fido – boffins are currently developing a range of doggylicious toys for your pooch, including:

It's sock-vomit doggy heaven!* Sock On A String – Now Rover can swallow his favourite laundry item all day without that expensive trip to the veterinarian!

Simply pull the string to retrieve sock from your dog’s digestive tract.

* Doggy ‘Doo-Doughs’ Treats – your hound is always happy when he’s playing with poo! These yummy brown piles taste as good as they look.

Simply scatter a handful of treats around the garden and your dog will think he’s in the local park! Safe for kids, too.


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