Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s Monty O’Drizzle here, huntin’ expert and world-renowned Master of Meat! Since Tiggy showcased my hit DVD Process That Deer, I’ve been receivin’ thousands of e-mail letters from y’all, wanting me to share some of my extensive meat knowledge! And I’ve brought my apprentice Bob Nutter to help me do some explaining at you.
Bob: Hi everyone! I’ve been training under the amazing Mr. O’Drizzle for several years. I’m hoping to become a Sultan of Steak just like him! He knows meat inside out.
Monty: That’s right Bob! If Monty ain’t shot and split it, it ain’t worth slamming on the grill, hey? Anyways, I don’t need to tell y’all about the pleasures of the flesh… to eat, y’understand! I love meat more than my own Momma… but don’t you go tellin’ her that, Bob!
Hell, I’d live in a meat house, and drive a big truck made outta meat if I could.
Bob: Hey Monty, If General Motors made a meat truck maybe they wouldn’t be in the shit!
Monty: Hey Bob, watch yer shute, that ain’t no language to use in front of ladies. Anyhows, I know a lot of you are toilin’ away in offices doing them stupid paper-stuffin’ jobs, and having to put up with all them townie office workers. Pity there’s no bow huntin’ allowed in the boardroom, hey?
So here’s our list of the things ya’ll can do to amuse yourself with meat, to keep them spirits up at work.
I told ya meat is useful!
How to Annoy Your Co-Workers Usin’ Meat
1. There’s nothin’ finer than the smell of microwaved meat waftin’ from the office kitchen, and hangin’ in the air all day like a big meaty cloud. Now, we just love that smell. It’s kinda how a man should smell, you know? But your tubby co-workers on them strict ‘tofu and pond weed’ diets will be bangin’ their heads against the desk in agony, lustin’ after all that beautiful hot meat! If your co-workers are crazy mulch-munchin’ vegans, oh my, they gonna be quittin’ their jobs in no time!
Don’t tell ’em what we do with vegans, Bob, the nice people here might think bad of us.
2. Do your weekly meat shoppin’ at your lunch break. Display them succulent steaks and plump sausages on your desk to show off tonight’s supper feast. Make sure you show your majestic meat mountain to them co-workers who will be spendin’ their evening alone, eating Kraft Dinner leftovers. Jeez, Mac and Cheese… I wouldn’t feed my that stuff to my dog!
Man, that dog cooked up nice. After he passed away, y’understand.
3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!
The heat from the computer will warm that meaty treat and generate a real nice sweaty pig smell in your boss’s office. That stupid boss will never figger where it’s comin’ from!
4. Them leftover ham sandwiches from that boardroom meetin’… did they taste kinda strange to you? Course not, that’s stupid talk! But them nasty belly pains and vomitin’ you pretend to have suggest otherwise!
Take the rest of the day off work to go huntin’, and threaten to sue the company for food poisonin’!
5. Pretend to be one of them born-again vegans. Yeah, this will take a lot of doin’ but bear with me, hey? Preach loudly about meat bein’ all nasty and stuff, and hang posters of Morrissey around the office.
Them frustrated co-workers will take revenge by leavin’ hot meaty cheeseburgers on their desks, and microwaving pot roast all afternoon. Strange how them burgers and pot roasts keep disappearin’? It couldn’t be you eating them, right, ’cause you’re a tree-suckin’ vegan!
Hey Bob, don’t tell ’em what we did with Morrissey that time, folk might get troubled with the image they get in their minds.
Anyways, that’s all the meat musin’ I have for ya! I gotta get me inside a chicken or somethin’ before I explode!
Bob: You need to get some chicken inside you, Monty! Heheh, he’s always saying that wrong.
Monty: Yeah Bob, that’s what I meant, for sure! Anyways see y’all soon for more hot meat love!