Legally High – Tiggy’s Buzz Test
Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…
Wasabi – A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.
The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High – 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.
Energy Drinks – The TV advert promised to give me wings – sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless – the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning – but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…
OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High – 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.
Spinning – When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High – 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.
Hemp Oil – Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.
The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.
Lesson learned – hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation – 10/10, Legal High – 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.
Non-Dairy Creamer – I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High – N/A. I’m not that daft.
So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.
They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com
The first and rather more attractive type is the Resting Pec as I like to call it. These once-proud muscular mounds are reasonably firm and pert, but perhaps require their owners to consume a few less KFCs and spend a bit more time pumping the Bowflex in order to reach their optimum manliness again.
3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.
2. Get high. It works for rock stars, it could work for you. Roll a fat one, sit back and wait for inspiration. The disadvantage being anything you’ve written down is unintelligible when you recover. Get high again and it all makes perfect sense. Come back down and it’s scribble again. This technique may take some practice.
