Tag: A Bad Idea

Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre: Teeny Princess Machine Gun

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It's pink! It's cute! It's semi-automatic!

Moms! Looking for a special gift for your precious daughter? Does your little lady want the best and wants it now – or else? Nothing says “I love you” more than this oh-so-cute Teeny Princess semi-automatic machine gun! Now your loved one can feel safe on the streets amongst the hordes of drug dealers, rapists and terrorists – and coordinates perfectly with her favourite girly outfits!

* Your little girl will be Queen Popular at school – they’ll all want to be her friend – or else!

* Feel free to let your daughter run errands to the drug store, shopping mall or crack house knowing your little one can take care of herself – or she’ll take care of them!

* Buy her even more love with glamourous Teeny Princess accessories including Sparkle Puss fluffy ammo bag and silencer attachment! It’s like, totally awesome!


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20 Books You Shouldn’t Read on Public Transport

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Pump Him Hard - a good read, but not on the bus.

1. Horse Porn: A History

2. You and Ebola

3. The Hitman’s Handbook

4. Rophynol – A Buyers Guide

5. Wet Nursing Your Grandchildren

6. Pump Him Hard

7. Make It Look Like An Accident

8. Fodor’s Top Ten Whores of Old Amsterdam

9. Pisstory – The History of Public Washrooms

10. Living With Sores

11. Bus Crash: A Pictorial Journey

13. Jihad Made Easy

14. Grow Your Own Brain Worms

15. 30-Day Tripe Diet

16. Kill It, Strip It, Wear It

17. A Red Nose and A Strap-On: Diary of A Sex Clown

18. Human Trafficking for Dummies

19. Cooking Cats the Italian Way

20. Hairy Potter and the Cock Ring of Doom


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Beach Bummers

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Bitchin' about the beach.

While relaxing on the beach during your vacation, do you notice:

– The people with the highest fat density wear the least amount of clothes?

– Hot-looking beach babes always sit next to you when you have water retention?

– Pasty redheads on sun loungers seem to think they can outsmart solar rays?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you didn’t flush?

– Savage hungry seagulls can hear an ice cream being unwrapped from five miles away?

– All children under seven appear to be on speed?

– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to a giant ant colony?

Go away! Go away!– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have bikini-line shaving rash?

– You find sand up your bum even if you’re sitting on a shingle beach?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you had some really bad oysters the night before?

– Fat old women with enormous flabby thighs just can’t stop bending down and picking up shells in front of you?

– Metal detector operators combing the shoreline always look poor?

– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have a hangover that would break Keith Richard?

– When you kick a kid’s sandcastle, their father is always 200lbs larger than you?

– The more wrinkly the man, the tighter the Speedos?

– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to an overfriendly drunk hobo called Captain Billy?

– Redhead sunbathers seem to think the best cure for agonizing sunburn is more sunbathing?

– Despite storing them in an airtight box, the main ingredient of your sandwiches is sand? Or ants?

– Women who sunbathe with their legs wide open are usually over 70?

– The person who used the beach washroom before you was Captain Billy?

Beaches are hell. Stay home!


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And You Think You’re Having a Bad Day

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Next life, he's coming back as a fish dick.

You think you’re having a bad day? Maybe you got to work hoping for a peaceful day surfing the internet, but your boss slapped a pile of work on your desk that will last you until retirement.

Worse than that? Maybe your Aunt Lucy’s life support machine was switched off by mistake. Before she’d changed her Will to leave you a million bucks. That’s bad.

Worse still? You ran over Aunt Lucy’s cat, got fired from your job for spending all day surfing the internet, then got hit by a truck and are now hooked up to life support. That’s pretty bad.

But it could be worse. You could be Sam the Catfish. This is his lousy day story.

I’m watching a TV documentary about some dicks going fishing in a lake in Brazil. These two idiots are chucking in their line or whatever the angling term is, when one of them gets a bite. He excitedly yanks out the line to reveal a wriggling, angry catfish! I’ll call him Sam. I’m not sure if his name really is Sam, but it seems like a good name for a catfish. Anyway, poor Sam is struggling on the line. A bad day for a fish, you think. But get this – half of Sam’s body is missing! The lake is full of fuckin’ piranhas, and Sam’s the lunchtime sushi special!

“Oh dear,” chuckles one of the fishing dicks. “Looks like our supper’s already half eaten!” Poor Sam is half the fish he was this morning, and these guys think it’s funny! But at least Sam has escaped the piranhas…

“Thank goodness!” thinks Sam. “I’ve been rescued from that vicious mob of fish! There is a God after all… ohhhh… uhhhh… where am I…can’t breathe… no… water… oh no… fish dicks!!!”
Not only is Sam suffocating to death, he is also about to get his head smashed in and served for supper. His bad day can’t get any worse, can it?

“Oh, this fish is no good,” dick one says.
“You’re right. Better release the poor fella,” dick two suggests.
Good idea chaps! Throw Sam BACK into the water!
“Fuck.” thinks Sam.

That is what you call having a bad day.


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