Category: Tiggy’s Top Tips

Useful Things To Do With Snow

Pretend Drugs Fun

Snow. It’s fun for the first week, isn’t it? Four months of non-stop blizzards later, I’m tiring of the frosty white stuff.

The lady on the Weather Channel advised me to leave my nice warm house and try to embrace it. I went skiing but was politely asked to leave the slopes after mowing down a kindergarten snowboarding class. I made a snowman, but he scared me. There must be something else to do with snow.

Freezer – When the power goes out (and it will) rescue your beer and fish sticks by burying them in the snow. However, you will need to maintain a 24-hour guard to ensure raccoons, rats and neighbours keep away from your precious horde. That ice pick will come in handy after all.

Post No Bills – Pack your postbox full of snow. Postal workers will be unable to deliver those post-Christmas credit card statements and outrageous heating bills.

Time Capsule – Keep the kids amused by placing newspaper clippings, photos and post-Christmas credit card statements in a time capsule. Place under a pile of snow. The spring thaw (May) will reveal the capsule! Go down memory lane and revisit the good old days (January).

Popsicles – Pour orange juice on the snow and suck away.

Snow Art – Pile up snow and call it Art. Your front garden is now an art gallery so there may be Government tax credits to be had. Give your snow piles pretentious names like “Sky Dream Mastication #16” and collect $$$ from your local Arts department.

eBay – Might as well try selling it. If people can auction single cornflakes and donuts shaped like Pope John Paul II, who knows what else the idiots will bid for. Shovel snow into a jar and call it “Elasticated Sky Box #9” to add value. Your customer may complain the installation has melted when they receive it, but that’s like, Art , right?

YouTube Drug Fun – Pretend your garden is full of cocaine. Pretend to snort it and fall over a lot. Get your friends to film it and put it on YouTube. Isn’t YouTube a hoot?

Psychedelic Snow Drug Fun – Sprinkle food dyes around your neighbour’s snowy garden and act normal. When they ask you if you can see multi-colour snow, declare they must be on psychedelic drugs and call the cops. Get your friends to film it and put it on YouTube. What fun!

Now I’ve come up with all these great ideas for enjoying snow, the sun has come out and the damn stuff has melted into grimy grey blobs. Thanks for nothing, lady on the Weather Channel.


Tiggy’s Diet Tips

Sushi Flavoured Gummy Worms - 0 Calories!

I’m not fat. Curvy maybe, but definitely not porky. But every time I indulge in a biscuit or a cocktail or three, it shows. If I was fat it would just disappear into the folds, but super-sizing myself would take years of dedicated cake eating.

So how to lose those annoying few pounds? I’ve put a few diets to the Tiggy test.

Gummy Worms
I discovered this diet while working at a company that kept a large jar of the gelatinous treats in the boardroom. My wages were too paltry to afford proper food, so I avoided the overpriced delis and helped myself to a handful of wobbly worms every lunch.

After one month I had lost 5 pounds! Unfortunately I also tended to lose consciousness by 3pm, despite the initial sugar rush. Another disadvantage was being fired after being unmasked as the Gummy Worm thief.

Oriental Diet
Inspired by the slim Chinese girl who took my job after I was fired, I decided to try a diet of sushi, noodles and green tea. Nutritious and low in fat, I’d be healthy and rake-thin in no time!
Sushi cost a fortune. How can they charge so much for so little? There was never enough rice and slippery fish in that little tray to fill me up, even if I ate the plastic grass bits too. Green tea tasted like brewed tree clippings. I ended up eating mostly ramen noodles and Chinese take-out (which is Oriental food, so technically allowed.)

One month of plastic grass, twig tea and cheap noodles later I was 9 pounds heavier. Maybe the Chinese girl was on the Gummy Worm diet.

Vegan Alcohol-Free Diet
For this diet I could eat as much fruit, raw vegetables, tofu and pulses as I liked. Bread, dairy products, coffee and alcohol were forbidden.
Fuck that.

There is no wonder food to help me lose weight. Getting off my arse and indulging in hours of punishing exercise is the only solution. That sounds like hell, so I have decided to accept my body the way it is and wobble my way through life. Pass the egg rolls!