The Internet Never Lies: Tummy Rumbles
The other day, my tummy started making noises. It rumbled. It made a horrible, gargling noise that sounded like a dwarf being flushed down a toilet. I assumed I must be hungry, but no amount of potato chips or beer seemed to pacify my gurgling gut.
I decided to scour the Internet for information on my minor, if irritating, condition. It was probably just gas, or too much beer, or that moldy bean burrito I should have thrown away but ate after I’d scraped the green stuff off.
I trawled cyberspace for medical blogs, message boards, and self-diagnosis forums. According to my online diagnosis, my symptoms pointed to one obvious condition. It wasn’t caused by green burritos. Or eating the wrong flavour potato chips. Or consuming vast quantities of alcohol. No, that grumbling sound was the terrifying roar of GUT WORMS. Hungry, angry, 6ft-long bowel beasts. No question about it.
According to my Internet research, we are all at risk, as gut worms are very easy to catch – you can pick them up by touching an infected person, sharing a cab, or attending a KISS concert. In fact, everyone’s insides are probably crawling with huge, squirming parasites that are slowly eating our brains and sucking the very life out of our bodies.
So, next time you hear that familiar growl deep inside your belly, you’ll know what it is. It’s a very hungry gutapillar. Throw it a donut and it won’t eat your brain.
It’s true! It said so on the Internet.
How do you know what flushing a dwarf sounds like?
Just saying.
Who’s got your belly? Hahah.
Like the new movie poster!
I’d be far more concerned catching other things at a KISS (Knights In Service of Satan) concert than gut worms.
Thanks for creeping me out so early in the day! EWWW! Did you ever see the House episode where he pulled the tapeworm out of the girl’s stomach? Looked like something out of a horror movie!
Funny, but gross!
I’m wondering if that bean burrito had hallucinogenic properties…
I heard that Gene Simmons personally licks each and every KISS ticket. Why? I have no idea.
Everything you read on the Internet is true. But what I really want to know is how you know what a dwarf sounds like when it’s getting flushed down the toilet. Speaking as a dwarf, that concerns me. What are you, an orc or goblin or something? Maybe that’s why you have worms. Orcs are prone to worms.
I’m never touching another person again (with the exception of my wife).
And C.B is right. Just don’t ask what Gene does if you get backstage.
Oh, gross. My stomach is growling a lot right now, and, stupid me, I thought I was just hungry. I hope gutapillars like Lucky Charms.
I never understood the connection between hearing dwarfs being flushed down toilets and attending kiss concerts now I understand…
There is always an upside, if you had cared to read on further, they are also known to crawl out your bum at night to eat up all those crabs..
The Interwebs is the best source of information. I almost rely exclusively on Wikipedia for all of my information. I think it’s the best way to go in this day and age. How could a million people be wrong? 🙂
Mike: Um. Oh. It’s a long story.
Evil: Trust me, you don’t want my belly right now.
LOTGK: KISS gigs are indeed a many-hazardous thing.
Larew: Dr. House still looks sexy, even with a huge gut worm.
Meg: Trust me, you won’t be laughing when the roaring starts in your tum.
Stephanie: That may explain the unfortunate dwarf-toilet incident. It was just a dream. Phew!
C.B.: That’s nothing compared to what Nickelback do to VIP passes, but, oh, I don’t want to start rumours.
Mike: Let’s just assume I was high and we’ll move on. Please don’t call the cops.
Chowner: I assume you have been backstage at a KISS concert? I’m so sorry.
JD: I’m thinking it may be your brain worm? I don’t think they’re fond of Lucky Charms, or indeed any corn-based breakfast snack.
Megaman: You see? It all makes sense now!
Bunny: Living in a seafaring town, crabs are always a problem. Good to know.