The Dreaded Office Greetings Card
You’re sat at your office desk, minding your business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.
Stuck for something to write? Here’s a few ideas.
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.
Congratulations! What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John
Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
I’m totally saving these for future reference!
chat blanc’s last blog post..One of the Wonders of the World: Women
I will follow your instructions and not use, BUT I’ll be thinking about them with a smirk on my face next time a card comes around.
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Distraction Is Deadly
Those are some of the best…now I just need a job so I can use them! Thanks!
Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..Mama Bear’s Getting Mighty Angry
I’ve got friends who may want to use a few of these.
C.B.Jones’s last blog post..Chuck Norris is Walker, Texas President!
I’m glad I don’t work in an office.
Hilarious, though.
Stumbled.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..My Play Date with President Obama
It’s worth getting fired to use those!!
Now that’s how you sign a card. I usually do something silly like that which will make the recipient read it twice, then think, “Who the hell was that person anyway?”
chowner’s last blog post..Suggestions from Heidi Fleiss on how to supplement your income during these tough economic times
It’s almost worth going back to the grind at corporate America just so I could use some of these.
I once circulated a birthday card among complete strangers in a grocery store. My “boss” was not amused by the unknown signers….meh.
MadMadMargo’s last blog post..World’s Hottest Pepper Eater
Tiggy, ya kill me. I am so glad to know what to write in future.
Love those “Hallcrap” moments.
HumorSmith’s last blog post..Blogsane
I always said “go fuck yourself” or all occasions.
I guess it’s time to get more creative?
Mike’s last blog post..My Embarrasing Death
Heh, I just got visions of someone working in an office with Miss Tiggy…
I think that would be incredibly amusing. 🙂
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..When Campbell’s Chunky Attacks
Thanks everyone! I will be adding more useful “comments for every occasion” when I think up some more. You could be in for a long wait. 😉
“If you die, can I have your desk?” This is my favorite. Although recently, thanks to our booming economy and soaring unemployment rate, it’s been changed to “If you get fired, I can have your desk.”
“Get well, get well soon, we wish you to get well!”
– My favorite office scene EVER!!!
Steph’s last blog post..Hippo Sweat Sunscreen?
great ideas!!!!!!!!!! can I borrow them?
.-= jailbird´s last blog ..Dirty Shank #281 Thanksgiving =-.
Fer sho, Jailbird! Glad to be of help!