Addicted to the Internet? Cure it… with Another Addiction!
The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.
But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.
Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.
Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.
Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.
Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.
Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.
Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?
Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.
I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.
Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.
If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.
I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.
They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com
Hey, there’s also reading books, but I guess that can be done on the Internet too. Plus when there’s folks like you to read, how are we supposed to make time for reading books?
I get my gambling and religion and sex from the internet.
But I do so want one of those panda finger puppets (to keep my John Cusack finger puppet company). So I’m off to eBay.
See, I never have to leave my computer–except to get more fudge-covered pop tarts.
Is there a 12-step program for Internet addiction? Googlers anonymous?
I really like to blend my addictions as much as possible, I hate having them compete against one another, it’s really not right to favor just one.
I also enjoy combining addictions. Did you know cocktails in Atlantic City casinos are delivered by cocktail waitresses? And my chances of hooking up with them are the same as hooking up with any cyber hottie.
BTW, this was a hysterical post. Thanks.
I don’t mind my internet addiction, but substituting it for a sex addiction does not sound that bad. Could be a great combination
I was sent here from ilikedthisone.blogspot.com/. We are “friends” at blogcatalog.com. Yeah, he’s right. You have some really funny and entertaining things going on at your blog. You’re going straight to my blogroll!
Ha!! Brilliant suggestions!
Even if I have money, I’m trying the bus token/gambling scam.
Free booze is free booze!
Hi! My name is Lisa Lisa and I’m an addict…. of many things. One being a blog reader. It’s like CRACK! I’m hooked!
It’s a shame your Vegas gambling addiction didn’t pan out because then you could have used the money to scour the world for more finger puppets for your collecting addiction.
Ah, the inequities in life…
Really enjoyed Net Addiction. But, you missed a big one. What if I choose to become an Alcoholic, or, at least, a cheap Wino?
I’ve Stumbled and Propellered this piece.
(You’ll have to wait a few days, though. My Marketing Agent puts these through for me.)
Unfinished: I guess reading classic literature on the internet doesn’t count, because it’s like reading a book anyway? I bet Dickens would have loved the internet, he’d probably spend all day writing lolcat capshuns.
Meg: Simply click on the panda finger puppet photo and get out your credit card! It’s magic! (John Cusack finger puppet? Are you sure?)
Skip: I can’t imagine a Googlers Anonymous meeting being much fun – how would net nerds be able to communicate face-to-face without Messenger?
Chat: Blending addictions is a great idea, but supposing you were addicted to skydiving and Ming vase collecting?
Joe: Cheers! Don’t worry, most cocktail waitresses are very pretty men in drag. If that thought cheers you up, then it’s true.
Rob: It’s a shame a lot of guys combine sex and the internet. Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘sticky keys’.
Don: Thanks! Most people usually tell me I’m going straight to Hell.
Damon: Don’t forget to tie it on a string first. One token can last days.
Lisa Lisa: Crack is worse than blogging. Apart from the bloodshot eyes, weight loss and zombie expression. Hmm.
Jenn: Depending on the money I’d have won, I could have expanded my field a little to fine wine and helicopters. Stupid fruit machine!
Jack: Welcome! We’re always open to new ideas here. I think a lot of my readers have already explored this addiction quite thoroughly…
The only problem is you can only simultaneously gamble and have cybersex with a religious zealot while on the Intenet.
If you know of any offline solutions, I’d appreciate the help.
I am so starting a collection of panda finger puppets!!
I’m going to go with hoarding. But it won’t be stuff it will be animals. And I’ll be the crazy cat lady who lives amongst the urinie and feces of her beloved fur balls. But at least I won’t be an internet addcit anymore. And I’d probably be a lot more productive. Urine smell and all.
I’ve tried to quit the internet, cold turkey. I replaced it with crack and that still didn’t help. I’m back now.
I cannot believe you only have three panda finger puppet shops…what kind of primitive town IS Nova Scotia anyway?
Jinksy: I never said it was foolproof! Keep trying, let us know how it goes.
Jeff: Watch out Meg, you’ve got competition. See the value of panda finger puppets soar.
Pegleg: Pissy kitties better than web obsession? Hmmm.
Kirsten: Welcome back! Crack addiction is so overrated.
Nanny: We only have three panda finger puppet shops, six inflatable elephant shops and two branches of Bob’s Taxidermy. Boonies, eh?
Maybe the finger puppets could have doubled as one-armed-bandit covers, just a thought. If security came you could always says you were spreading the Olympic spirit using that distinctly Chinese symbol.
You forgot the cat addiction. If a person becomes, say, a cat-lady, and fills ones house with cats, this usually results in excess amounts of fur floating around, which inevitably ends up in the computer, thus causing it to overheat and crash.
Plus cats are rather amusing.
oh…i am addicted to the internet. i browse all night and sleep at 4 a.m. in the morning. my holidays r almost over. uff…wat to do