Boring Beijing? Tiggy’s Exciting Olympics
Are you watching the Beijing Olympics? Assuming you can see it through the smog. Well, I am boycotting the Olympics this year, for the reason I reckon everyone is – it’s boring as fuck. Who the hell wants to waste precious time watching drug-addled idiots running around in the blazing heat? I can do that at my local park for free. Ten gazillion dollars spent on two weeks of flag waving, blisters and lycra rash. What a waste of money.
However, if the Olympics bosses introduced these exciting sports I may be interested…
Cheese Rolling – This ancient sport involves a large round cheese, a hill and some drunk people. Simply roll the cheese down the hill. The winner is the drunk who manages to beat the cheese to the finish by throwing themselves down the hill after it.
I’m sure there are hills in Beijing, so construction costs = $0. I’m not sure if they have large cheese in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.
Dressing Up Race – This would liven up the 1500 metres no end. Runners would have to stop every 100m and add a layer of clothing – a feather boa, frilly dress or large floppy hat. Maybe they could have a theme like Gay Parade or ABBA Tribute. It would add a dash of colour and in no way demean the athletes and their sport. Hurdles in Heels? Long Jump in Rubber? The possibilities are endless.
Men’s Triathlon – Never mind running, swimming and whatever the other thing is, I propose three REAL tests to sort the men from the boys – beer drinking, Marmite wrestling and barbequing. Who can drink the most, defeat his opponent in a bought of sticky yeast extract tussling then cook a plate of plump sausages to perfection?
I ‘m sure the Australians would do well at this, although they’d probably moan about wanting to use Vegemite instead of Marmite. Sorry fellas, rules are rules.
Women’s Triathlon – Waxing, Mojitos and Shoes. I think I could represent Canada in this sport, although I am no good at shoes. Or waxing.
‘High’ Jump – No pole, no landing mat, just a large spliff and the will to succeed. A plate of Gummy Worms and Cheetos could be dangled from a crane as an incentive to the giggling competitors to jump even higher!
I’m not sure if they have drugs in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.
Men’s Nude Hockey – That is something I would like to see. Just saying.
I am writing to the International Olympic Committee right now with my suggestions, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to add them to the London 2012 Olympics. But first, I’m going to lie down and think about the men’s hockey a bit more…
They’d win gold medals in the 500 metre bonkers race at Humor-Blogs.com
I’d watch your version of the Olympics 24-7!! I’d even got to the tryouts for the naked hockey team and console the losers. you know, to support my country and all.
I think scantily clad women jumping on trampolines would be great. That’s a sport, right?
That nude hockey thing would bring a resurgence of interest in the original spirit of the games which I believe were all done nude. I really can’t understand why they died out back then in the days of Old Greece.
Nude Olympics period. That’s the way to go. All that bouncing and bobbing around. Yummy 🙂
Or perhaps offer two types of Olympic games – modern and classic. Classic Olympics would be similar to what we see now, whereas the modern Olympics would allow athletes to imbibe any drugs of their choosing. Let’s see how fast humans can run the 100m sprint with a molotov cocktail of class A drugs inside them :-)))
Regards
SolReka
Brighter Energy Solutions
Olympics? That started already? Holy crap, where was I?
Excellent suggestions!
I gotta disagree on the naked hockey thing though. Think about it…
1. Hockey is hard enough without being carted off the ice with a puck stuck in your ass.
2. Well hung players have the unfair “two stick” advantage.
3. Haven’t you ever heard about shrinkage?
I second the trampoline event!
I think you have something there. I would watch that for the cheese-rolling alone– which, you know, is a spectator sport that has left me breathless for years. I sit and cheer– will it be the Wensleydale this year over the Stinking Bishop? Will the Cheddar outdo the Swiss? Will Jack beat the Jack-and-Jill in getting down the hill first? Who’ll come tumbling after?
It’s white-knuckle all the way!
Wouldn’t the coldness of a hockey arena and the nudity cause a bit of shrinkage?
I saw your post on the front page of Humor-Blogs.com and you had me at as “boring as f___”. But then I saw the men’s nude hockey team, and almost thought that I shouldn’t have been so hasty to give you the thumbs up. 🙂
Yeah, I’d go for the cheese roll. The hockey team might be a little too cool…
You are a genius! I would watch your olympics any day. I’m watching men’s singles badminton right now. The only entertaining part is that they’re using a shuttlecock.
There are some new sports I think they added, though. They have a naked pie eating contest and clothing optional apple bobbing.
Chat Blanc: I’d be rink-side a lot more often too. I want to ride the big zamboni!
Joe: Thanks for that image!
Augusto: I agree. And the sponsors need not miss out – their sportswear logos could be painted in all sorts of interesting places.
SolReka: Check back soon, Tiggy’s thoughts have already turned to that very idea…
Damon: Maybe shrinkage may cancel out the two stick advantage? Or teams would have to be fairly, erm, weighted? Chat, I think I have a job for you! Bring a tape measure.
Jeff: Now I have that image in my mind again. Thanks!
Jenn: Betting on cheese! I bet you never thought you’d see those three words together in a sentence.
Jason: Maybe we could allow some sort of wooly warmer for the affected part? That would look stylish.
Unfinishedperson: Giving the thumbs during a nude hockey game – you’d have to be careful doing that…
Leeuna: Cheese rolling – it’s the future of sport!
Kirsten: If only there was a sport called ‘shuttlecock’. What would it be like, I wonder? Naked food consumption contests wins my vote!
The combination of the Men’s Nude Hockey team and the mention of “plump sausages” has made me quite a fan of your suggestions for the Olympics.
I would watch the naked hockey and even knit the willy warmers.
(I cant actually knit)
🙂
Can we make the Australian men talk while they’re rolling around in Marmite? And bbq-ing? And, well, drinking too? I am already a fan of your olympics. I only wish everyone had your clarity of thought.