Terminal Hell

Terminal 5 Hell

Good to see Heathrow Airport’s new Terminal Five get off to a flying start. Lost baggage, confused staff and crashing computers caused long delays for crowds of suffering holidaymakers. Sounds like T5 is running normally already.

As a frequent prisoner of Terminal Hell, I’ve come up with a few tips to ease your Departure Lounge delirium.

Worrying Rash – Get to the front of the massive check-in line by making a call to the Centre for Infectious Diseases to find out if your test results are in yet.

Buggy Run – Electric airport buggies look fun to drive, so borrow one for an hour. Charge kiddies $1 each to go on your Magical Mystery Airport Tour, or charge them $2 each to have a burnout contest.

Air Scare – Amuse yourself scaring passengers at the observation deck by shouting “Oh my God! That plane’s not gonna make it! Oh… it’s in the air now, phew. Oh my God! Is that smoke coming from the engine? No, wait… it’s just a cloud.” Hours of fun (until you are escorted from the building by Security).

I’m Not Spartacus – Entertain crowds of bored travellers by inviting them to remake famous movies with your video camera. You will have enough bodies to remake Spartacus or Gladiator in the Departure Lounge.

Gimme an ‘R’ – Pretend you are a rock star. Buy a pair of Duty Free shades and walk closely behind a security guard to make it look like he is protecting you from hordes of screaming fans. Wave to people randomly, shouting “Rock and Roll!” and talk loudly on the phone to Axl about the sound check for the Rio gig.

Drunk Rock – Tell a hapless-looking bartender your rock band drank all the booze in the Executive Lounge so you have to sit at the common people’s bar. Your manager will take care of the bill after he coaxes Axl off the Departure Lounge roof. You’ll give them your autograph in exchange for a Rye on the Rocks.

Stinky Sweet – If you cannot find a seat to lay your weary head, visit the Duty Free store and spray on as many powerful perfumes as you can. In no time you will have a whole row of seats to yourself, if not the whole lounge.

Of course once you are released from the Terminal holding pen, you will again be trapped inside a flying chamber of horrors, and still hours away from your holiday destination.
Next year, go camping.