Tiggy’s Diet Tips

I’m not fat. Curvy maybe, but definitely not porky. But every time I indulge in a biscuit or a cocktail or three, it shows. If I was fat it would just disappear into the folds, but super-sizing myself would take years of dedicated cake eating.

So how to lose those annoying few pounds? I’ve put a few diets to the Tiggy test.

Gummy Worms
I discovered this diet while working at a company that kept a large jar of the gelatinous treats in the boardroom. My wages were too paltry to afford proper food, so I avoided the overpriced delis and helped myself to a handful of wobbly worms every lunch.

After one month I had lost 5 pounds! Unfortunately I also tended to lose consciousness by 3pm, despite the initial sugar rush. Another disadvantage was being fired after being unmasked as the Gummy Worm thief.

Oriental Diet
Inspired by the slim Chinese girl who took my job after I was fired, I decided to try a diet of sushi, noodles and green tea. Nutritious and low in fat, I’d be healthy and rake-thin in no time!
Sushi cost a fortune. How can they charge so much for so little? There was never enough rice and slippery fish in that little tray to fill me up, even if I ate the plastic grass bits too. Green tea tasted like brewed tree clippings. I ended up eating mostly ramen noodles and Chinese take-out (which is Oriental food, so technically allowed.)

One month of plastic grass, twig tea and cheap noodles later I was 9 pounds heavier. Maybe the Chinese girl was on the Gummy Worm diet.

Vegan Alcohol-Free Diet
For this diet I could eat as much fruit, raw vegetables, tofu and pulses as I liked. Bread, dairy products, coffee and alcohol were forbidden.
Fuck that.

There is no wonder food to help me lose weight. Getting off my arse and indulging in hours of punishing exercise is the only solution. That sounds like hell, so I have decided to accept my body the way it is and wobble my way through life. Pass the egg rolls!