Tag: writing

Tiggy’s Cryptic Reminders List

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I need a Blackberry.

Do you ever write down reminders to yourself but can’t understand what they mean later on? I’ve looked through my trusty jotter and attempted to decipher the cryptic crap I’ve scribbled down. I’m sure they were very meaningful and important at the time…

(These are all genuine. I wish they weren’t).

“Dora – ages 5+, two AA batteries”

Was this a reminder to buy a small child a birthday gift? Is some poor forgotten niece crying into her party dress because evil Aunt Tiggy forgot her birthday again? At least I reminded myself to buy batteries. And I hope it wasn’t a reminder to buy the poor child this –

Dora is exploring some weird things these days.

I’m not sure what kind of exploring Dora gets up to these days, but I’m thinking that it isn’t quite suitable for ages 5+.

Crusty old seaman. Sponsored by HP?“HP Sea Shanties!”

Hewlett Packard is well known for computers, printers and gadgets that bleep and costs a fortune in toner. But I had no idea they’d branched into coastal folk songs. They must be toe-tappingly good because I’ve put an exclamation mark at the end.

Does HP now employ a sou’wester-clad musical troupe to sing hearty songs about plug ‘n’ play pirates? Or how the crystal-sharp light from a HP monitor guided a storm-tossed fishing boat to shore? I checked their website but I couldn’t find Nautical Ditty Downloads anywhere.

“Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why.”

Worryingly, I wrote this at work. Even allowing for my appalling handwriting I can’t make this one out at all. I have to phone around stair repair companies, but I’m not sure why? Is my phone being moved to the stairs, as I’m being turfed from my desk to somewhere more appropriate to my position?

I’ve obviously been spending too much time inhaling photocopier fumes. Maybe I should give HP a call about a replacement machine. But I want it in marine blue.

But does he taste good mashed?“Mike Smith potato”

For those who don’t know, Mr. Smith is a local musician and actor who plays lovable Bubbles in the Canadian comedy Trailer Park Boys. He is not, nor has ever been, a starchy, tuberous root vegetable. I’ve never seen a potato or any other vegetable that looks remotely like Mike Smith (mind you, I did once see an onion that looked like Bono).

What was this bizarre reminder for? Do I owe him a potato? Does he owe me a potato? Is he starring in a hilarious root-vegetable-based comedy show? What the hell would a root-vegetable-based-comedy show be like?

I couldn’t possibly imagine, even after inhaling photocopier fumes.

“National *Something* Day Today”

Hurrah! It's National Something Day!I had no idea Canada celebrates National Something Day. Was it a statutory holiday? I’m guessing National Something Day is the day when Canadians honour any noun of their choice.

How about National Penis Day? National Free Cocktail Day? National Tiggy Day? Maybe all three?

I didn’t record the date so I’ll end up missing it again next year. Bugger.

I think I’m going to invest in a voice recorder and record my reminders instead. Mind you I’ll probably end up with a stream of messages blabbering “Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why…”

 


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Tiggy’s Top Tips for Writer’s Block

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Agghh! Agghhh! Aggggghhhhhh!!!

Damn this blank page! I need to fill it with witty comments and interesting observations for Tiggyblog, but after four hours all I’ve done is write my name at the top. And I spelled that wrong.
Writer’s block is frustrating, especially if your life is dull and devoid of inspiration. How can you generate great ideas for that overdue article or blog? I’ve thought up some useful tips to help you fill that page in no time.

 

1. Go for a walk. Running away from your empty page is a good start. Hopefully you will be inspired by something on your walk. Or get hit by a car. This will give you plenty to write about as you recover in hospital.

Oooh bright lights, happy colours... dfkso, gjdooe ane eift!2. Get high. It works for rock stars, it could work for you. Roll a fat one, sit back and wait for inspiration. The disadvantage being anything you’ve written down is unintelligible when you recover. Get high again and it all makes perfect sense. Come back down and it’s scribble again. This technique may take some practice.

3. Cut up the Dictionary and draw words out of a hat. Arrange the words on the page. Problem solved.

4. Become a movie reviewer. You will never have to think up an original idea again. Make a list of stock phrases such as “Touching portrayal”, “More profanity than plot” and “Don’t waste your money” and cut and paste as required. You don’t even need to watch the movie, just look at the promotional poster and draw your own conclusions.

Word in Peru - oil prices to hit $200 a barrel.5. Think in the third person. Imagine yourself as someone else and look at the world through their eyes. You could write a topical blog from the perspective of a brown Peruvian Alpaca (or whatever colour you prefer). I’m sure they have opinions on global oil prices. Combine with tip #2 for further inspiration.

6. Set a target. Aim for no more than 2 words a day – they have to be really good words though. By the end of the week you’ll have a sentence. It’s a start.

7. Pay someone to write for you. Writers are cheap and can often be bought with alcohol and smokes. Let them suffer writer’s block on your behalf.

8. Join an interesting local group. An extremist right-wing religious sect or suicide cult preparing for Armageddon would be perfect – if you get out alive just think of the stories you could tell! And they’d all be dead so they couldn’t sue you.

Religious cults - they're all mad as pies!

9. Get yourself arrested. This could be easily arranged in combination with tip #2, or you could go for an ecological slant by chaining yourself to a tree. Or better still, a logger. Don’t forget to take your notebook to jail.

10. Accept the fact your creativity is spent and your writing career is over. You will need to get yourself a real job.

 

Follow these handy tips and your creative juices will be flowing all over the place, earning you enough money to keep on writing and pay for all those drug fines. Now grab your pen and blog off.


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Tiggy’s Hollywood Movie

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You like me, you really... oh, maybe not.

I didn’t know what Hollywood scriptwriters looked like until I saw them on the picket lines during the recent writers’ strike. They looked normal enough – they didn’t drive up in their Ferraris flashing botox smiles like Tinsel Town big shots. They wore normal clothes, had normal faces and probably had messy houses and an overdraft like everyone else.

Hollywood needs them. Can you imagine if they were filming CSI: Las Vegas and the director says to the cast “Hmmm, maybe someone can pretend to be dead, here’s some fake blood. Fucked if I know, just make it up as you go along…” Gil Grissom wouldn’t look like such a know-it-all forensic fancy pants then.

Awesome Movie
Maybe I had what it took to be a movie screenwriter. Stupidly, I wondered out loud to my friends how easy it must be. All you need is to think up some characters, put them in a situation and then resolve that situation, somehow, in about 95 minutes. Go on, my friends said. At least come up with an idea.

My movie script needed careful planning. I had to come up with fascinating characters and an intriguing plotline with plenty of twists. Half an hour of solid work through my lunch break later, I had the foundations of my awesome movie – a dark road trip comedy with a clever subplot. I’d hardly finished my cup-a-soup as I typed out my synopsis. I am in the wrong job, I thought. Just wait until my friends read this. I wonder which producer will call me first?

Hot Dog-Eating Monkeys
My friends’ reviews were lukewarm. “Um, Tiggy, hasn’t this been done before?” “I don’t get that bit about the monkey and the hot dog eating contest…” “I’ve noticed one major flaw in your plotline…”

What a bunch of loser armchair critics. How dare they trash my idea! I played the whole movie back in my mind – it was fantastic! I’d pay to see it several times at a theatre. I sulked like a diva for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a screenwriter. The pressure to come up with original, logical and entertaining material is too much for me. The trauma of a rejected idea is unbearable. These Hollywood writers must have a thick skin, even without the botox.


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Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Flange

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Word Of The Day

I reckon I know at least 200 words, maybe even more. Tiggy’s Word Of The Day will feature some of my favourite ones. And maybe some that aren’t so great. Sorry.

(I’m not doing it every day or I will have run of words out by Christmas).

1. Flange

An engineering term for a rim, collar, or ring on a shaft.

Flange shaft. Rim flange. Flange ring. Engineers have a bigger sense of humour than I suspected. Either that or they can discuss flange rings without feeling warm in a special place. And don’t get them started on crack fatigue.

 


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