Tag: tofu

Tofu and Other Stuff We Don’t Thinks Right

Meat! Meat! Meat!

It’s time for another Meat Beat with the Prince of Pork, Monty O’Drizzle!

Monty: Howdy, Tiggy fans! Now, me and Bobby don’t wanna get all riled up about other people’s eatins’. We know a lot of the internet folk and Tiggyblog fans are them homosexual liberal vegan types, and we respect that, hey? Jus’ don’t start invitin’ us to your parties or nuthin’, no offense. And the more vegans they is, the more meat fer us! Kinda works out, hey?

But I would like to talk to yous about foods that are just not right, see? They just ain’t men’s food. I mean, you ladies can eat them jus’ fine, and we know better than to tell you little ladies what to do, hey Bob?

Bob: Yes Monty, sometimes ladies take us the wrong way, don’t they? Like the nice lady you took out for dinner, but she didn’t realize she’d have to gut the main course herself.

Monty: Holy heck, all that cryin’ and screamin’ sure put me off a lady’s company, fer sure! Anyway Bobby, about this nasty food stuff we warnin’ the nice people about. This is our list of foods you shouldn’t be puttin’ in yer mouth.

Sushi - them's lady food!1. SUSHI
Bob: Monty and I don’t have anything against fish, of course! There’s nothing better than spearing a salmon or wrestling a swordfish for the grill. But we both agree that sushi is just… well…

Monty: Lady food, Bob, that’s what I’m sayin’! It’s all pretty colours and all itty bitty. And they want you to eat it with lil sticks! What the hell is that about? Them crazy Chinese.

Bob: Monty, the Japanese have a long history of sushi-making, it’s a very delicate art.

Monty: Art, Bobby-boy? Ya don’t fill yous belly with art! I’d have to eat five hundred of them piddy-tiddy things just for starters. And if yous wanna eat raw, there’s nuthin’ finer than the insides of a freshly-shot deer. You try eatin’ that with fiddly lil sticks, hey?

2. TABOULI
Monty: Bobby, I have no idea in holy hell what a tabouli is. Is it like some kinda moose?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Is it some kinda squirrel?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Does a tabouli have a look a fear in his eyes as he sees yous aiming fer his heart?

Bob: No Monty, tabouli is a mix of bulgar wheat, parsley and spices. It’s like a salad.

Monty: Holy heck Bob, don’t let that salad stuff near me. Might turn me all homosexual, like my brother Mike. He’s a big homosexual, but he sure loves his meat, so he’s all right with us, hey? Our momma was not happy when she found out about Mike likin’ them hairy sailor types that…

Bob: Anyway Monty, maybe we should look at the next item on our grocery blacklist.

Tofu! No! Puddit down, folks!3. TOFU
Monty: Now, I’m not one to go swearin’ in polite company, but what the freakin’ hell is tofu for? Tiggy says it’s a good meat replacement. Did ya hear that, Bob? Meat replacement? I don’t think I even understand what them two words mean together.

Bob: Some people substitute tofu for meat in their diets when they are trying to lose weight, Monty.

Monty: Why the hell you wanna go lose weight? There’s nothin’ finer a big meaty man, that’s what men should be like, hey? And Mike would agree on that too.

All you obese Tiggyblog fans out there, you takes my advice and get yerself a huntin’ bow. You’ll get some good exercise runnin’ round the forests chasin’ and killin’ some nice healthy food.

Bob: Amen. Next on our list is tempeh.

4. TEMPEH
Monty: Bob, are you makin’ this stuff up? That’s not a food, that’s some place in Florida! Man, yous been breathin’ them fumes from the barbecue.

Bob: Monty… oh, never mind. The last item on our shopping list is tomato.

Death by tomato. It ain't pretty!5. TOMATO
Monty: Now, red is a nice colour when it’s seepin’ outta a fresh kill. But you don’t wanna be go puttin’ them big red tomatoes in your mouth! You know how they grow them? And I wanna apologize to the ladies here, but let me be candid bout this – they grow them outta a big pile of shit! Yep, you heard straight! Poop!

And we don’t like poop, do we Bob? Ya can’t eat poop, not even if you barbecue it. We tried it once, but it weren’t so good.

Bob: No Monty, the only acceptable way to eat tomato is in tomato ketchup. No barbecue party is complete without it.

Monty: Not me, Bob, I ain’t touchin’ tomato ketchup! I’ll just have the regular ketchup thank you.

Bob: But Monty, ketchup is…

Monty: That’s enough yappin’ Bob. Now, y’all noticed a lot of nasty food starts with the letter ‘T’? That’s somethin’ to be aware of next time yous in the grocery store. Jus’ avoid all food products startin’ with the T. Jus’ to be safe, hey?

Bob: What about turkey?

Monty: Oh yeah, turkey. But that’s kinda like a big ugly chicken, so you okay with that.

Bob: T-bone. Tenderloin. Tripe. Trotters.

Monty: Yeah, technically they begin with ‘T’s but, oh, Bob, jus shut yer shute and fire up the grill, hey? I’m gonna strap on some steaks and exorcise them tofu things from my mind.

Bob: You mean ‘slap on’ some steaks, Monty?

Monty: Sure I do Bob, that’s what I jus’ said! See y’all next time folks… an’ watch out for them taboulis!


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Meat Beat with Monty O’Drizzle

I told ya meat is useful!

Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s Monty O’Drizzle here, huntin’ expert and world-renowned Master of Meat! Since Tiggy showcased my hit DVD Process That Deer, I’ve been receivin’ thousands of e-mail letters from y’all, wanting me to share some of my extensive meat knowledge! And I’ve brought my apprentice Bob Nutter to help me do some explaining at you.

Bob: Hi everyone! I’ve been training under the amazing Mr. O’Drizzle for several years. I’m hoping to become a Sultan of Steak just like him! He knows meat inside out.

Monty: That’s right Bob! If Monty ain’t shot and split it, it ain’t worth slamming on the grill, hey? Anyways, I don’t need to tell y’all about the pleasures of the flesh… to eat, y’understand! I love meat more than my own Momma… but don’t you go tellin’ her that, Bob!

Hell, I’d live in a meat house, and drive a big truck made outta meat if I could.

Bob: Hey Monty, If General Motors made a meat truck maybe they wouldn’t be in the shit!

Monty: Hey Bob, watch yer shute, that ain’t no language to use in front of ladies. Anyhows, I know a lot of you are toilin’ away in offices doing them stupid paper-stuffin’ jobs, and having to put up with all them townie office workers. Pity there’s no bow huntin’ allowed in the boardroom, hey?

So here’s our list of the things ya’ll can do to amuse yourself with meat, to keep them spirits up at work.
I told ya meat is useful!

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers Usin’ Meat

1. There’s nothin’ finer than the smell of microwaved meat waftin’ from the office kitchen, and hangin’ in the air all day like a big meaty cloud. Now, we just love that smell. It’s kinda how a man should smell, you know? But your tubby co-workers on them strict ‘tofu and pond weed’ diets will be bangin’ their heads against the desk in agony, lustin’ after all that beautiful hot meat! If your co-workers are crazy mulch-munchin’ vegans, oh my, they gonna be quittin’ their jobs in no time!

Don’t tell ’em what we do with vegans, Bob, the nice people here might think bad of us.

2. Do your weekly meat shoppin’ at your lunch break. Display them succulent steaks and plump sausages on your desk to show off tonight’s supper feast. Make sure you show your majestic meat mountain to them co-workers who will be spendin’ their evening alone, eating Kraft Dinner leftovers. Jeez, Mac and Cheese… I wouldn’t feed my that stuff to my dog!

Man, that dog cooked up nice. After he passed away, y’understand.

Ham - git it down ya!3. Stick a slice a’ ham inside your dumbass boss’s computer. I know it kinda seems like a waste of good eatins, and Lord God knows I never pass the chance to get some pig into me. But hey, the sacrifice is worth it!

The heat from the computer will warm that meaty treat and generate a real nice sweaty pig smell in your boss’s office. That stupid boss will never figger where it’s comin’ from!

4. Them leftover ham sandwiches from that boardroom meetin’… did they taste kinda strange to you? Course not, that’s stupid talk! But them nasty belly pains and vomitin’ you pretend to have suggest otherwise!

Take the rest of the day off work to go huntin’, and threaten to sue the company for food poisonin’!

5. Pretend to be one of them born-again vegans. Yeah, this will take a lot of doin’ but bear with me, hey? Preach loudly about meat bein’ all nasty and stuff, and hang posters of Morrissey around the office.

Them frustrated co-workers will take revenge by leavin’ hot meaty cheeseburgers on their desks, and microwaving pot roast all afternoon. Strange how them burgers and pot roasts keep disappearin’? It couldn’t be you eating them, right, ’cause you’re a tree-suckin’ vegan!

Hey Bob, don’t tell ’em what we did with Morrissey that time, folk might get troubled with the image they get in their minds.

Anyways, that’s all the meat musin’ I have for ya! I gotta get me inside a chicken or somethin’ before I explode!

Bob: You need to get some chicken inside you, Monty! Heheh, he’s always saying that wrong.

Monty: Yeah Bob, that’s what I meant, for sure! Anyways see y’all soon for more hot meat love!


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Tiggy’s Words Of The Day – Spong & Tofu

Two whole words of the day, you lucky people! I must be on happy drugs.

A jolly farmer attends to his lovely flowers.

5. Spong

A real word. And you thought piggle was made up. Referring to “irregular, narrow, projecting part of a field” I believe it is also the sound tofu makes when you poke it with a fork.

If Tofu was called Spong they would sell a lot more of it.

 

6. Tofu A tofu disguised as a spong.

A tasteless wobbly substance with a texture similar to the stuff you find clogging household drainpipes. Curdled bean scrapings are compressed to form mattress-sized slabs of quivering goo. Springy enough to use as a mattress but usually chopped up and put into vegetarian products instead of real food.

The Tofu marketing department missed a trick by not calling it Spong.


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