Tag: space

Tiggy’s Hit Parade: Futuristic Folk Songs of the Future!

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Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Prepare to get all folked-up with this folking awesome LP!

OMG, space and rocket ships and folk!

8. Folk Songs for the 21st Century

The 21st century may seem like a long way off now, but think of the fun we’ll have in the future! Space travel will be as easy as catching a bus, holidays to Jupiter will be commonplace, and we’ll all have personal robots to cook our meals and provide intimate pleasure!

Star trekkin’ troubadour Sheldon has travelled all the way back from the 21st century to share his “folk of the future” with us! Hyperspace-hopping hits include:

* The Green, Green Grass of Alpha Death Star Z-71
* My Dirty Ro-Bo Ho
* My Lover From Venus, She Had a Penis
* Jizzy Spacesuit Blues
* A Piddle on the Moon
* Cock Rocket (That’s She Called Me)

Can’t wait 100 years for Sheldon’s next cosmic collection? Simply get yourself cryogenically frozen – make sure you defrost in time for his next out-of-this-world long playing album!

Next time on Hit Parade… songs to clean up river pollution by! No really. It’s an album full of songs to clean up river pollution by.

Look, I don’t record the bloody things.


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Space Suits

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Ooh, I'd like to ride your shuttle!Wow! I nearly came when I saw these out-of-this-world super space suits! Frustrated shuttle pilots everywhere can indulge their fantasies with these cosmic costumes.

Simply redecorate your garage or lounge in tin foil, and create high-tech controls from old switches and cereal boxes… and prepare to lift off!

There’s no end of space fantasies I’d love to recreate inside my shiny capsule.

Of course you won't look stupid.* To enhance your galactic experience, hire a children’s bouncy castle and pretend to bounce your way across the moon or even Mars! Don’t forget – shoes off first.

* For a hilarious prank, pretend you are a Cosmonaut who has crash-landed in your neighbour’s garden. Tell them in made-up Russian you need them to urgently phone Vladimir Putin, NASA and the nearest Radioactive Waste Decontamination Unit. They will be thrilled to have such fun-loving neighbours!

If you can’t afford to spend $$$ at The Space Store, simply pop over to the Kennedy Space Center and grab yourself a pair of these fetching high-tech intergalactic… oven gloves!

They bake muffins in space, too!

As used on the space shuttle by Neil Armstrong! Probably.


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Space Adventure – Star Wars, Ray Guns and Orange Soda

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Pee-aaawn!

Kids today – they don’t know they’re born, eh? I never had a Wii, cell phone or the internet when I was growing up. But I don’t envy the toys and gadgets available to today’s kids. Well, maybe I’m a bit jealous. As a kid I would have happily sold my pet hamster for a cool Japanese robot or for all that Star Wars merchandise. It’s not fair!

I want to be a Jedi warrior! Not fair!When I was a child all I wanted in the whole world was a Star Wars light saber. Every Christmas I’d beg my parents for that glowing plastic sword. And every Christmas I got Barbie dolls and Fuzzy Felts. That was great, but I reaaaallly wanted a light saber. A cardboard tube painted bright blue just wasn’t the same.

Starved of futuristic weapons and plastic movie merchandise, I had to make my own intergalactic entertainment.

Pee-aaawwn, Pee-aaawwn

Every weekend my little buddies and I congregated in my bedroom with a tape recorder, two plastic ray guns and a huge bottle of tartrazine-laden orange soda. We wrote, directed and starred in an awesome space adventure show called, well, Space Adventure.

Robots are cool. Even with the sniffles.I played a Princess Leia-type heroine with a flowing white gown and an alarmingly bloodthirsty outlook for a seven-year-old. My friend Sam was the ship’s commander (it’s not fair, I wanted to be commander – so much for women’s lib) and snot-nosed little Danny was DZ-7 the robot. He didn’t really relish the part as he had to spend the whole afternoon speaking in a monotone American accent. “Beep…power-failure-in-reverse-thruster-four…beep”. In hindsight, I think he would have preferred to have played Princess Leia.

We spent the whole weekend running around my bedroom, I mean Starship Eagle-5, battling fires in reverse thrusters and zapping menacing borgatron robots (also voiced by Danny in a snuffly monotone voice). “Pee-aaawwn! Pee-aaawwn!” we squealed as we pretended to fire our ray guns. Commander Sam shouted “We’re coming down too fast!” way too many times.

Aren’t Kids Irritating?

We're coming down too fast! Again.My poor parents. Their peaceful weekend was shattered by the sound of screams, thudding feet and pee-aaawwn pee-aaawwn. They were then treated to our evening presentation of Space Adventure, and were forced to listen to a three hour recording of what they’d just heard all afternoon.

If only we had been able to spend our free time glued to the internet or playing video games my house would have been a lot quieter, not full of rampaging small children waving ray guns and spilling orange soda on the carpet. But what a dull childhood that would have been! I wouldn’t have swapped Space Adventure for anything.

Strangely enough, I recently discovered that snotty little Danny now works for a major electronics company… that makes production line robots. I hope he’s not secretly working on borgatrons.
Pee-aaawwn!

 

They’re coming down too fast and need to fire their reverse thrusters over at Humor-Blogs.com

 


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I Like The Moon

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Shiny, lovely, moony.

“We like tha MOON!“ squealed the Spong Monkeys in their famous ditty. And what’s not to like? It hangs in the sky like a pretty night light, helping countless drunks find their car keys in the dark.

But what do we know about the moon? I decided to investigate. I read a stack of library books on astronomy and astrophysics. To be honest I didn’t understand a word of it, but I’ll have a stab anyway.

Photo courtesy of invisible custard squirrel.Location – The moon is in the sky every night. In the early evening it looks huge, but later on it is just a tiny globe high up. But the moon hasn’t got further away! It’s just an optical illusion.

Sometimes I have the illusion of three or four moons bouncing around the sky. I asked around but it seems only me and the invisible custard squirrels can see them.

Identification – The moon is known as The Moon. It is a moon, but it is not Moon. It’s a pretty stupid name to be honest. Other moons have nice names like Pheobe and Io, so why can’t the moon have a name like Uhuru or Jeffery?

Come to think of it, The Earth is a crap name too. I think it should be renamed Bubbles.

Buddy, stop arseing around and get on with some digging.

Composition – I consulted the astronomy books for this bit. Words I understood were dust, rock, iron and magnesium. Words I didn’t understand were olivine, clinopryoxine and ilmenite. Apparently the moon has this stuff in it. I don’t know how scientists know, the Apollo astronauts spent most of their time arseing around with flags and moon buggies rather than doing any bloody work.

Effects – The oceans slosh around on Earth due to the moon’s magnetism. This is probably caused by iron molecules colliding with the particulates in the clinopryoxine. I have no frigging idea to be honest. All I do know is the next time I am clinging to the side of a turbulent ferry heaving the contents of my guts overboard, I will have the moon to thank.

Suck on that, conspiracy theorists!Conspiracies – Some people think man has never been into space, let alone the moon. This is crazy. Tom Hanks obviously filmed Apollo 13 in space – you can clearly see the Earth from his spacecraft window.

Others claim the moon landing photos were shot in a secret NASA studio. But how would NASA know what to make the scenery look like if they hadn’t been to the moon? Honestly, some people.

That is all I know about the moon. Now I have to return my astronomy books before the library tracks down who stole them.

They have big shiny helmets and want to play space over at Humor-Blogs.com


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