Tag: sex

Guest Poster – Eddie McMayonnaise on Television!

Posted on by

As you know, nothing makes me angry. “Where are the rants, screaming and violent rage?” you often complain. I’m not capable of hateful thoughts, so my new guest poster, Lunenburg County Bugler’s star columnist Eddie McMayonnaise has volunteered to share his thoughts on things that make him want to smash things. Over to you, Eddie.

Eddie is cross!“Oooh, I’m So ANGRY!” About Television!

I love television! It’s a great way to avoid talking to Mrs McMayo, who is quite the most tedious company. But do you know what makes an even worse sound than Mrs McMayo – that’s right, the television!

Why do computers on TV shows like CSI: Las Vegas make lots of noise? Does your computer bleep and twitter every time you press a key? Mine just goes ‘ping!’ and crashes. Why is Gil Grissom’s computer better than mine? How come it takes five seconds for his computer to descramble a blurred CCTV image of a suspect, match his face to his fingerprints, detail his entire criminal record and alert a SWAT team to the dumpster he’s hiding in? In five seconds my computer is still wondering if it feels like opening Firefox. Bah!

TV - isn't not very realistic, is it??Why do sounds sound different on TV? Not just computers, but fights. When a burly cop inexplicably downs all weapons and punches the bad guy, we hear this really impressive “Phhhhhwwwattt” as the baddie’s teeth disappear down his throat. When I punch someone, I just hear the gentle click of my fingers dislocating. Bugger!

How come on TV when two people are having sex, they don’t shout out stupid things as they climax, or giggle nervously and make squelching noises like everyone else? How come no-one ever falls out of bed, comes too soon or shouts “Gross! Suck it yourself, you perverted freak!” like everyone else?

And afterwards they just get out of bed, slip on their clothes and go for a coffee. They don’t clumsily search for Kleenex or fumble about with sloppy condoms. Why aren’t they sticky?

Ohhhh, the TV makes me angry now! I’m off to kick a charity worker. Toodeloo!


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Tiggy’s New Job – Part Two

Posted on by

Going to work can be fun.

In my quest to find gainful employment, I’m trying out some new career options. The bar work and animal stuffing jobs didn’t go so well. I need something more glamourous and exciting…

3. Erotica Shop
If I’m going to work in a shop, it might as well sell interesting stuff. So what better than a XXX adults-only sex shop? At least it won’t be full of schoolchildren and old ladies muttering about arthritis. And a 10% employee discount on all leather goods!

However, my day at Sticky Ricky’s Love Emporium wasn’t all fun and Vaseline…

Hands off, that leather corset is mine!– Customers don’t tend to be hunky young men needing help in the fitting room.

– Don’t ask “Can I help you, Sir?” to an obviously amateur transvestite.

– Using the PA system to announce “We’re rolling back prices on cock rings!” is not appropriate.

– Employees only get a 5% discount. Dammit!

4. Movie Extra
I was always destined for acting greatness. Ever since my well-received performance as sheep #3 in the school nativity, I knew my acting talents should be developed. Unfortunately my fake Actors’ Union membership card fooled no-one, but I managed to get work as an extra. Things I learned…

There's me! Over on the left! There!– Getting a part as a murder victim in CSI is not much fun. Unless you enjoy spending 14 hours covered in blood locked a packing trunk.

The director didn’t actually use me; he just locked me in a packing trunk all day.

– Do not accept any work for movies about high seas, mountain rescues or being trapped at the top of blazing roller coasters.

– The director does not need ‘in-the-field’ assistance and criticism from you, the 19th pedestrian on the left. Unless you want to go back in the packing trunk again.

– You will spend most of the day huddled in the corner of a muddy field with your fellow extras, while the cast and crew laugh at you from their cozy trailers. The lead actors will pass the time by playing ‘Extras Skittles’ with oranges and small rocks.

So much for my dream job! Sitting in a warm office drinking coffee and breaking wind all day doesn’t seem like such a bad deal after all.
And on the bright side, I still have my Sticky Ricky’s Dirty Discounts card…

2 for 1 deal on all leather thongs over at Humor Blogs


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Addicted to the Internet? Cure it… with Another Addiction!

Posted on by

Internet addicts: Does this scene look familiar?The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.

But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.

Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.

Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.

Another of God's lost flock.Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.

Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.

Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.

Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?

Awww! Ahhhhh! Ooooooh!Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.

I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.

Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.

If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.

I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.

 

They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Bill C-10: It’s Not Porn, It’s Art

Posted on by

Say NO to C-10! Grrrr!

Those of us involved in the Canadian creative community (and those of us pretending to be, for the purpose of this story) are worried. The government is trying to introduce a Bill called C-10, a draconian law preventing artists from using government loans to finance ‘challenging’ movies. Canadian banks are often reluctant to finance such movies, citing pathetic excuses like “They’re usually drivel”.

Just in case C-10 passed, I thought I’d better get my claim in with the Tax Credit Department before the men in grey totally destroyed my freedom of expression. I felt my luck was in with my latest venture, a scarifying indictment of capitalist urban society entitled The Cock Whisperer.

Auditions were going very well.Based on a true experience, The Cock Whisperer is the powerful story of a girl who has the gift-like ability to banish men’s rampant and uncontrollable sexual desires by sitting in a room with them for five minutes. I’d assembled a cast from the many out-of-work actors in my neighbourhood and spent several hours sweating over the script.

Unfortunately, the Tax Credit Department did not share my enthusiasm for the project and demanded vicious rewrites before they would consider scribbling out any cheques. They claimed my touching tale about touching todgers was merely an excuse for me to film attractive gentlemen without their underpants, and was not in the Canadian public interest to fund it.

I remonstrated that actually the Canadian public wanted, nay, demanded to sit in a movie theatre for two hours looking at men’s units – all my friends had said so. Apart from the male ones. And the local vicar. And my neighbour, who actually called the cops when I asked to borrow their hot tub for a few scenes. I think the cops are beginning to tire of being called to my street.

My fight with the Police State suits will continue as I refuse to compromise my artistic integrity. Like filming Titanic without the iceberg, you cannot have a story about cocks without cocks.

Failing that I’ll borrow my mate Sparky’s video camera and produce the bloody movie myself without their stupid tax credits.

Anyone got a hot tub I can borrow?


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail