Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God
Oh My God, Oh Your God, Oh His God, Oh Her God…
Pavement, “Shady Lane”
Do you believe in God? You would think I was a flippin’ nun, the amount of times I say “Oh My God!” And I’m not just talking about shouting it out during those sexy fun time moments. For such a cynical, probably-ex-communicated agnostic, I spend a lot of time referring to “God”. Have you noticed how many silly sayings are associated with the Big Guy?
Godspeed: How fast is that? For an old guy, I can’t imagine God is that fast. Maybe he has a chariot pulled by angels. Naked angels. If I was God, that’s how I’d want to travel.
Maybe he drives a Porsche. Can you get cars in Heaven? How would they get up there? When a car dies, does its oily little soul drive through the Pearly Gates? Or does Heaven have its own car manufacturing industry? So there are factories and manual labour… in Heaven? So much for lazing around on fluffy clouds eating Philadelphia dip.
On the other hand, if God is omnipresent he is already everywhere, so He doesn’t have to move at all. This phrase needs a rethink.
God Botherer: One thing worse than a salesman (or a “corporate account executive” as they call themselves now) is a salesman selling God. They eagerly chatter on about Jesus and Good News and His Plan like it’s the first time anyone has told you about it.
You then waste ten minutes ranting about how you read the Bible but couldn’t follow the plot, got beaten up at Bible study as a kid, and how St. Paul said eating shrimp is evil but you like shrimp so stuff what he thinks… and all this time the God Botherer smiles and patiently waits for you to either convert or die of apoplexy.
Is hiring these dicks the best marketing plan God has? If I was God, I’d hire the most kickass marketing people I could, get some prime-time TV advertising going and perhaps sponsor a hockey team or something. It would be cool to be on a squad with God on your side, literally.
Godawful: The God Botherer told me God Is Love, so how can God be awful too? You mean he was lying? You could argue God is awful because he lets earthquakes and tsunamis and premature ejaculation happen. But isn’t that the fault of Mother Nature? So Mother Nature is awful! But she invented rainbows and baby rabbits and smokable herbs, so isn’t she good as well? I’m confused.
Here’s an idea I bet even the Pope hasn’t thought of – supposing God and Mother Nature are married, and are both behind this creation lark? It’s easy to see how trouble starts…
God: Damn you, woman, I told you not to fiddle with that storm cloud! You’ve washed away an entire civilization. I’ve been working on that all week!
Mother: You and your silly little human experiments. When are you going to do something useful, like clean up that oil spill in my ocean? Honestly, playing with tankers at your age…
God: Well if you hadn’t turned those stupid dinosaurs into oil, there wouldn’t be oil spills!
Mother: Dinosaurs were your idea!
God: Try telling that to those frikkin’ Creationists!
Mother: Do you want me to send a hurricane to sort ’em out?
God: Oooh, yes. There’s nothing good on TV tonight anyway… apart from the hockey.
Oh dear, I’ve taken God’s name in vain. Am I going to Hell? Good. It beats working in a Porsche factory.
Halloween needn’t be Hell this season! Now your kids can spread the word of the Lord while scaring the neighbourhood with these fetching costumes! Lovingly handcrafted at the Convent of the Blind Virgins in Alabama, these beautiful costumes will warm even the coldest of atheist hearts!
* Anoint your own Pope Cute I in this fetching papal gown. He’ll have great fun bestowing Sainthoods and rounding up heretics at the kiddies’ Halloween party.
* Your little Angel will be a vision of purity in the St Agnes of Diphtheria costume! She will be charmed by the story of Agnes, a simple Syrian farm girl who saw a vision of Christ and was promptly beheaded by those dreadful Muslims.
Don’t forget your kids’ friends are only laughing at them because they are jealous and sinful! And their parents are probably poor.
Fun for the faithful shouldn’t stop at bedtime! Treat your tots to a set of Evangelical PJs! Available in Bride of Christ or Crusading Infidel Destroyer themes for your innocent little lambs!
With cute hand-crafted “Righteousness” motifs and a fetching red cross of war, your kids can sleep peacefully knowing the Lord is protecting them through the power of polyester.*
* Not tested against evil spirits or machete-wielding clowns. Highly flammable – do not wear near burning bushes or crosses.
Head on over to the Humor Bloggers’ Halloween Carnival –
guaranteed to put the willies up you!
The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.
But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.
Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.
Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.
Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.
Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.
Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.
Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?
Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.
I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.
Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.
If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.
I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.
They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com