Addicted to the Internet? Cure it… with Another Addiction!
The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.
But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.
Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.
Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.
Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.
Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.
Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.
Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?
Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.
I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.
Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.
If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.
I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.
They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com
– Remember the movie Be Kind, Rewind where that podgy bloke from the Foo Fighters made his own movies? Be your own Hollywood superstar and film yourself starring in your favourite blockbusters! If you are a bit ugly you could try hilarious slapstick comedy. If you are more attractive or have large physical assets, movies of an adult nature could be an option.
– If the RIAA is going to have to prise your iPod from your cold dead hands before your delete your illicit collection, consider becoming an outlaw! Run away from the authorities and form a commune in the wilderness with your fellow desperate downloaders. Away from the iron grip of the law you can indulge in other dangerous criminal behaviour like smoking indoors, making hash brownies and distributing photocopies of whatever the hell you like – there’s no copyright laws in your Republic. Awesome!
